Soon, Becca’s journey as The Bachelorette will end with either Blake or Instagram fan Garrett down on one knee proposing a Neil Lane diamond in exchange for a rose and a televised wedding. Before the three-hour finale, though, the world must suffer through yet another installment of The Men Tell All, where the men that Becca has off-loaded during the season return to rehash old, dull dramas in the hopes of cementing a spot on Bachelor in Paradise and perhaps a few Instagram ad campaigns.
Here’s what happened on The Bachelorette:
Jordan, Model Contestant
Jordan and his face (do you know he’s a model? ’Cause he is!) sat down with Chris Harrison to relive his greatest hits — and his former coworkers spent the entire time complaining to HR that he was insufferable. Somehow Colton, David, and the rest of the men on stage seemed to have forgotten that the producers of The Bachelorette love insufferable contestants, especially ones that will run around in gold underwear and give good face. Chris Harrison, in a blinding moment of clarity, asked the men if what really ticked them off was the fact that Jordan’s antics worked and earned him a whole lotta screen time and a much longer time on the show than he perhaps deserved. The men all pinky swore that no, that is definitely not the reason they were annoyed by Jordan — but it definitely is. For his part, Jordan swore he was really being genuine on the show. “If you guys don’t believe I was myself, play it back, I certainly was myself,” he continued, before comparing himself to a Rolls Royce and unbuttoning his pants to once again show off his sparkly gold underpants.
Colton for Bachelor
Colton undoubtedly wants to be The Bachelor, so to ensure the producers are paying attention, he made himself very vulnerable during his time on the couch with Harrison, because that’s what the producers like. Colton explained that he was upset by Jordan’s antics, because they distracted from his very serious mission to find love with Becca (um, Colton had you seen this before you signed up?). The men, probably sensing that he was taking the starring role in the next season, all started picking on him, particularly Jean-Blanc the perfume enthusiast who Becca kicked off after he said he loved her and then took it back. Colton ended up breaking down into tears over the “cheap shots” taken against him on stage over his virginity. “It’s sad that it’s viewed as baggage or red flags or skeletons in the closet, hopefully it’s something that’s respected so I can continue to live my truth,” Colton said. He’s definitely in the running to be America’s Next Top Bachelor!
Hello, Grocery Store Joe
While most contestants who are kicked off on the first night disappear into a limo and are never seen again, Grocery Store Joe captured the hearts of viewers and earned a serious online fan base. The camera-shy contestant and man of few words stopped by to give a TED Talk on how to turn a “pretty bad” few hours into a television career and social media empire. In between his time running the grocery store and taking selfies with fans on the street, Joe is headed to Bachelor in Paradise and, according to the promos, things don’t go so well for him.
Jason for Bachelor
After Becca decided mid-date that she was just not that into him and dumped him in Thailand without a Fantasy Suite experience to share with his buddies back in Buffalo, Jason was left reeling. After his own highlight reel brought him to tears, he admitted that the sudden breakup was “tough to comprehend.” He still hopes to eat buffalo wings in the future with his friend Becca. “I don’t know that I got the closure I was asking for, but she got the closure she needed to go on and find her happiness,” Jason said on stage. “And that gives me what I need.” Or at least that’s the line he’s going with to keep him in the running to be the next star of The Bachelor, and after his maturity and love is love talk, this could work out just fine.
Many of the men felt Becca deserved an apology after suffering through their yelling, lying, and general shenanigans over the course of their (ahem) courtship. Jean Blanc apologized for his behavior, Chris said that his “insecurities” took over and that he simply “lost control” which is why he went full teen villain over the course of an hour. Although in retrospect, picking fights with Lincoln was perhaps exactly the right thing to do. Speaking of which…
What Wasn’t Mentioned
Two contestants that weren’t at the show — and who were barely mentioned at the gathering — were Lincoln and Garrett. It’s too bad, too, because the show kind of owes its audience an explanation as to how they vet their contestants. Lincoln was recently convicted of indecent assault and battery stemming from a 2016 incident and Garrett, who will probably get Becca’s Final Rose, liked a whole bunch of Instagram posts that mock Parkland high school students, liberal women, trans people, and undocumented immigrants. Yet, Chris Harrison didn’t mention what has been one of the biggest off-camera controversies this season.