ABC/Paul Hebert
By Melissa Locker
June 26, 2018

Becca has a dozen suitors left on The Bachelorette, and she is confident that one of them will become her husband. Because these are relationships playing out in fast forward, she decides to take them all to Vegas for a mini-vacation and preview of a potential honeymoon. When in Vegas, expect gratuitous aerial shots of the Strip, walk-ons from local personalities, and a chorus of Becca’s suitors spontaneously yelling, “Vegas, baby!”

Here’s what happened this week on The Bachelorette:

One Hump Or Two

While Colton screamed, “Solo date in Vegas, baby, yeah!” when he got the date card, he pretended he was okay with leaving the Strip for… a camel ride (which is not a euphemism). Becca wanted to do something un-Vegas and a camel ride is certainly that. They rode off into the sunset on separate camels, which seemed determined to keep the happy couple apart and make it impossible for them to hold hands. (Perhaps the camels are named Jordan and David?) The camels couldn’t keep them apart forever, though, and they dismounted, disrobed and jumped into the hot tub some poor interns had to set up in the middle of the desert. Later, they went to a restaurant, where they talked about their past relationships. Colton explained why his “walls are up,” and then they made out. Outside, the producers had paid for a giant sign urging Colton to “Kiss Her.” He obliged while the other men, locked in their hotel room instead of carousing in a Vegas casino, saw the sign and realized it meant Colton was stealing their collective girlfriend.

Newton’s Law

It’s only the fifth episode of the season, but the producers have apparently already run out of ideas for dates. For the group date, the men were once again asked to write songs for Becca. While Chris and Becca wrote songs under the tutelage of Richard Marx, this time the group wrote with the help of Vegas legend Wayne Newton. Unlike Richard Marx, though, Wayne Newton rode up on a horse, and the men had to perform their songs in front of a live audience. Donning tuxes, they sang their love songs, all set to the tune of Newton’s “Danke Schoen” while a not-nearly drunk enough audience cheered them on. Chris believed he “killed it” at the contest, ranking himself as one of “the top frontrunners.”

Last week, Jean Blanc told Becca he was falling in love with her — and then took it back. Becca kicked him off for the headache. This week, Blake (Blaine? Blaze? Blade?) said he was falling in love with her, too, and she accepted it and gave him the date rose. Mixed signals! Becca called it a night early and Chris suddenly realized that he never got alone time with her. He decided to be defensive and defeatist about it and declared that he’s going home this week.

The Two-On-One Date

Wills voiced the opinion of the crowd, that Jordan and David were too focused on each other, when they should be focused on Becca. The only solution? Drive both of them out into the desert and see if one of them comes back. Becca loaded the men into a Jeep, drove them deep into the desert and set the two men against each other. David spent his time bad-mouthing Jordan, while Jordan spent his time claiming that David was just a liar. He charged back to David and hollered some stuff like, “You lack charisma! You lack integrity! You lack a personality!” and then the ultimate burn, “You’re worse than Arie!” Becca told them they were behaving like middle school girls, and that she should have just hopped in a helicopter and left them both in the desert. Instead, she told David to go home. She wasn’t ready to give Jordan the date rose, though, because he’s annoying, but in a way that the producers find slightly more interesting. As David learned to survive in the desert alone, Jordan and Becca went out to dinner and he spent the whole time talking about his portfolio and the world of male modeling. Becca picked up the date rose and Jordan broke into a huge grin. However, instead of pinning it on his chest, she told him that she’s just not that into him. She walks him out. He complains that he played the game right, he was vulnerable, he put himself out there, and he got no reward. Becca took the date rose on a date, holding it close while sipping champagne and watching the fireworks alone, save for her rose. Still better than that Arie-themed date.

The Cocktail Party

Now that Becca has trimmed her crop of beaus to a reasonable ten, she is ready to drink. Before she can raise a glass to love, reality style, though, she has to go talk to Chris about why he didn’t come talk to her during the date. The conversation quickly devolved into a “you don’t like me enough,” “no, you don’t like me enough!” until Becca finally sent him away because… he’s annoying. Then he decided he really needed to talk to her, and interrupted Wills’ date to plead his troth one more time. Wills very politely balked, pointing out that he already gave Chris two minutes and that was more than generous. Chris thought Wills was rude for not ceding his time, but no one else agreed with him. He finally gots some alone time with Becca and they argued some more, and then entered into a staring contest that only ended when Chris Harrison called time.

The Rose Ceremony

When the time finally came to start handing out roses, Garrett got the first one. He was followed by Jason and, proving he won the argument with Chris, then Wills. Lincoln got a rose pinned on him, as did Leo and Connor. The final rose came down to Venmo John or Chris, and because she didn’t know a great thing when she saw it, she opted for red-flag-waving Chris, instead of sweet, kind and probably rich Venmo John.

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