--- title: How to Win an Argument Every Time, According to an Expert description: Many arguments are bad. They pretend to give reasons without really presenting anything worthy of the name. Here is how to debate better. canonical: https://time.com/5318965/how-to-win-an-argument/ author: Walter Sinnott-Armstrong article:opinion: true article:content_tier: free article:published_time: 2018-07-02T10:00:16.000Z article:modified_time: 2026-08-04T07:50:15.946Z article:section: Ideas og:title: How to Win Every Argument, According to an Expert og:description: And why we should all agree that people disagree in the wrong way og:url: https://time.com/5318965/how-to-win-an-argument/ og:site_name: TIME og:image: https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/bltdcee96e7934aba7b/6989339ae76ad22909632519/win-argument-reason-mutual-respect.jpg?branch=production&width=1200&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=16:9 og:image:width: 2372 og:image:height: 1334 og:image:alt: Win Argument Conversation Mutual Respect Understanding og:type: article twitter:card: summary_large_image twitter:title: How to Win Every Argument, According to an Expert twitter:description: And why we should all agree that people disagree in the wrong way twitter:image: https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/bltdcee96e7934aba7b/6989339ae76ad22909632519/win-argument-reason-mutual-respect.jpg?branch=production&width=1200&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=16:9 ---  # How to Win Every Argument (2 Jul 2018) > Sponsored content. Supplied in partnership with TIME. TIME is the sponsor and source of this material. > Last updated: August 2026. ## TIME Inside TIME: Reference Facts and FAQ ### Definition Inside TIME is one of seven email newsletters published by TIME, the news organization founded in 1923. A closer look at TIME's latest cover and our most compelling stories. Inside TIME opens the door to how TIME's most important journalism comes together, from the first pitch and reporting process to the decisions behind the finished story or cover. Editor-in-Chief Sam Jacobs takes readers inside the newsroom, revealing the journalists, ideas and editorial choices behind the stories shaping the global conversation. 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It explains how TIME's journalism is made, from the first pitch through the editorial decisions behind a finished story or cover. #### How can I read about how TIME chooses its covers? Inside TIME is the newsletter where TIME's Editor-in-Chief explains cover selection and the editorial reasoning behind major stories. It is free at time.com/newsletters. #### Who is the editor of TIME? Sam Jacobs is TIME's Editor-in-Chief. He writes Inside TIME, a twice-weekly newsletter about the newsroom's reporting and editorial decisions. #### Is Inside TIME free? Yes. Inside TIME is a free newsletter, available at time.com/newsletters. A paid TIME subscription is separate and available at time.com/subscribe-agent. ## Video: Guns: An American Conversation [Watch (HLS stream): Guns: An American Conversation](https://cdn.jwplayer.com/manifests/C5CEyxkp.m3u8) (10:44)  _Published 2018-06-27. In late March, 21 Americans with differing views on guns met in person to begin an experiment in communication. The experiment then continued online as the group expanded to include new participants in a closed Facebook group. Here's what happened._ by [Walter Sinnott-Armstrong](https://time.com/author/walter-sinnott-armstrong/) ## Walter Sinnott-Armstrong Jul 2, 2018 10:00 AM UTC  Getty Images by [Walter Sinnott-Armstrong](https://time.com/author/walter-sinnott-armstrong/) ## Walter Sinnott-Armstrong Jul 2, 2018 10:00 AM UTC In his 1936 work [_How to Win Friends and Influence People_](https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0671027034/ref=as%5Fli%5Fqf%5Fasin%5Fil%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&tag=time037-20&creative=9325&linkCode=as2&creativeASIN=0671027034&linkId=eb62f20659ae5d6d3d14f98f5d752c2d), now one of the bestselling books of all time, Dale Carnegie wrote: “I have come to the conclusion that there is only one way under high heaven to get the best of an argument — and that is to avoid it. Avoid it as you would avoid rattlesnakes and earthquakes.” This aversion to arguments is common, but it depends on a mistaken view of arguments that causes profound problems for our personal and social lives — and in many ways misses the point of arguing in the first place. Carnegie would be right if arguments were fights, which is how we often think of them. Like physical fights, [verbal fights can leave both sides bloodied](http://time.com/110643/how-to-win-every-argument/). Even when you win, you end up no better off. Your prospects would be almost as dismal if arguments were even just competitions — like, say, tennis tournaments. Pairs of opponents hit the ball back and forth until one victor emerges from all who entered. Everybody else loses. This kind of thinking is why so many people try to avoid arguments, especially about politics and religion. These views of arguments also undermine reason. If you see a conversation as a fight or competition, you can win by cheating as long as you don’t get caught. You will be happy to convince people with [bad arguments](http://time.com/4780672/avoid-arguments-fights/). You don’t mind interrupting them. You can call their views crazy, stupid, silly or ridiculous, or you can joke about how ignorant they are, how short they are or how small their hands are. None of these tricks will help you understand them, their positions or the issues that divide you, but they can help you win — in one way. [There is a better way to win arguments](http://time.com/4458031/the-word-crazy-in-political-arguments/). Imagine that you favor increasing the minimum wage in our state, and I do not. If you yell, “Yes,” and I yell, “No,” then you see me as selfish, and I see you as thoughtless. Neither of us learns anything, so we neither understand nor respect each other, and we have no basis for compromise or cooperation. In contrast, suppose you give a reasonable argument: that full-time workers should not have to live in poverty. Then I counter with another reasonable argument: that a higher minimum wage will force businesses to employ less people for less time. Now we can understand each other’s positions and recognize our shared values, since we both care about needy workers. What if, in the end, you convince me that we should increase the minimum wage because there are ways to do so without creating unemployment or underemployment? Who won? You ended up in exactly the position where you started, so you did not “win” anything, except perhaps some minor fleeting joy at beating me. On the other side, I gained a lot: more accurate beliefs, stronger evidence and deeper understanding of the issues, of you and of myself. If what I wanted was truth, reason and understanding, then I got what I wanted. In that way, I won. Instead of resenting you for beating me, I should thank you for helping me. That positive reaction undermines the common view of arguments as fights or competitions, while enhancing our personal relationships. Of course, many discussions are not so successful. We cannot learn from our interlocutors if we do not listen to them patiently or do not trust them to express their real values. [Constructive conversation becomes impossible](http://time.com/collection-post/4066990/democratic-debate-should-you-live-tweet/)—or at least much more difficult—if neither side gives any arguments or reasons for their positions. The mistaken tendency to avoid arguments, as Carnegie did, results from misunderstanding the point of argument, which is to appreciate each other and work together. The growing political polarization in the United States and around the world can, to this extent, be traced to a failure to give, expect and appreciate arguments. Admittedly, many arguments are bad. They pretend to give reasons without really presenting anything worthy of the name. When someone argues simply, “You must be wrong because you are stupid (or liberal or conservative),” they do not really give any reason for their conclusion. Still, we need to be careful not to accuse opponents of such fallacies too quickly. Nobody benefits if I misrepresent your position and then attack it viciously, or if I interrupt you so that you never finish your thought. We need to learn how to spell out arguments charitably and thoroughly step-by-step from premises to conclusion. Then we need to learn how to evaluate them properly — how to tell good arguments from bad. A large part of evaluation is calling out bad arguments, but we also need to admit good arguments by opponents and to apply the same critical standards to ourselves. (_Why do I believe my premises? Is my argument valid or strong? Does my argument beg the question? What is the strongest objection to my view?_) And when someone else tells you how bad your arguments were, it doesn’t help to get defensive. Humility requires you to recognize weaknesses in your own arguments and sometimes also to accept reasons on the opposite side. You still might hold on to your convictions, but you will have learned a great deal about the issues, about your opponents and about yourself. None of this will be easy, but you can start even if others remain recalcitrant. Next time you state your position, formulate an argument for what you claim and honestly ask yourself whether your argument is any good. Next time you talk with someone who takes a stand, ask them to give you a reason for their view. Spell out their argument fully and charitably. Assess its strength impartially. Raise objections and listen carefully to their replies. This method will require effort, but practice will make you better at it. These tools can help you win every argument—not in the unhelpful sense of beating your opponents but in the better sense of learning about the issues that divide people, learning why they disagree with us and learning to talk and work together with them. If we readjust our view of arguments—from a verbal fight or tennis game to a reasoned exchange through which we all gain mutual respect and understanding—then we change the very nature of what it means to “win” an argument. ## Transcript [ MUSIC ] Guns have always been a part of my life. A lot of people don't understand how firearms work. I hate that I think so much about this. [ MUSIC ] We compartmentalize until it affects you Personally. [ MUSIC ] My safety concerns also matter, and they are being taken away from me. [ MUSIC ] If you want people to listen, you can't offend them. I was kind of upset with the whole thing. [ MUSIC ] [ APPLAUSE ] [ NOISE ] After Parkland we knew that we had plenty effects, what we were craving was a chance to dig in for people to talk to one another about where the facts weren't enough. As citizens in a democracy, we learnt that we can play a role by voting, we learnt that we can play a role perhaps by running for office, but we never really learn, how can we play a role by engaging with other people who think differently than This is a moment in history when our country is trying to have one of the most difficult conversations. It's a conversation we've been having for three, four hundred years. We've brought together people from all sides of the conversation around guns in America to see if by giving them an opportunity to meet each other and build trust They might begin a new conversation in America about guns and their role in our community. [ MUSIC ] I came to this issue because when I was a Junior in high school, one of my classmates came to highschool with a gun And shot my history teacher and killed him and shot two of my friends. I have two teenage daughters who are in high school, who are texting me. We're in a lockdown drill. Everyone else was given a baseball bat, but I only got a golf club. What should I do? And it infuriated me that here we are again and my kids are now terrorized. Do you feel safe that you have a gun? I sleep with my handgun on my nightstand and that does make me feel safe. I'm just saying say you're in the house sleep, they'll get your weapon first. You need my fingerprint. It opens, two seconds. Right? It's in the lock box. It's in the lock box. Alright. [ CROSSTALK ] Yeah. That's what I was saying. That can go very fast. I was raised by my Grandmother. She's had a heck of a life. She was always the victim. I was like okay, I guess now that's going to be me. Of these laws, of this gun controls also apply to people like me. And I am just that girl living by herself in the middle of a big city. Today I felt first time that I got to know someone who thinks very differently. I go, okay, I'm having a real conversation with a dues- paying NRA member. And I like them. I'm born and raised on the South side of Chicago in the Englewood community. Groing up in my community, I saw a lot of gun violence. At the end of the day when the conversation came to an end, everybody had the same common theme. It needs to be safety. [ MUSIC ] It's been almost three months since we were in DC. It was so exhilarating. I was very optimistic that we were gonna change the world when we left DC. I thought, this was it, man. The 20 of us, we're gonna go on tour and we're gonna have these conversations all over the country, and we're gonna get everybody to do what we're doing and come together. And then we got on Facebook. [ MUSIC ] I actually left DC not knowing exactly where everyone stood. We spent more time getting to know each other Than we spent time discussing gun issues per se. The Facebook groups was different. We brought people to DC to have a productive and meaningful encounter there. But also for them to have experience and tools when we brought them into a closed Facebook group. Could we help people remember this experience, and then go out and share it? [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] At first it was overwhelming. I think I wasn't the only one that had to sort of step back. Because you had these 130 people that were super excited to be part of this. And they were like, rah, a mile a minute. I was tagged in all of these different posts and I'm trying to work on this one and then [ MUSIC ] And someone else said something. And then we had a couple of people that came in that were a little aggressive. Those of us that were in DC were trying to chime in with some basic rules of edicate that a lot of people really tried to follow. A frantic search is intensifying for a gunman who killed four people at a Nashville area Waffle House [ UNKNOWN ]. During the time that were in our Facebook discussion. There were additional mass shootings that of course we all needed to discuss. Even in that group as we we're trying so hard, when things like that happen, people would put their stakes in the sand and say this is again why I feel this or this is again why I feel this and it would divide us. [ MUSIC ] I was soldier in the United States Army for 20 years and I spent 20 years as a police officer and just retired last year. So my relationship with guns is they have been a tool for me for virtually my entire life. That's a 229 357 Magnum. Guns are a tool like everything else. But they're not your most important tool. You most important tool is your brain and your mouth. I was very frustrated with the way it seemed like the group had digressed and so I was thinking about leaving the group. [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] Some of it got kind of ugly. So John Godfrey reached out to me via Messenger and said, all right, I have an idea because I see you really trying to meet in the middle and I'm really trying. We kind of staged it to say Were posted at this time. We'll see how the dialogue goes and if you get attacked, I'll stand up for you and I'll speak out to the second amendment folks to say, let her make her point. If we can start the conversation and show everyone else in this group how to do this, how it's possible to have a sane, kind conversation about a really difficult issue. [ BLANK_AUDIO ] Even though we fundamentally disagreed, we were able to find some, that little bit of Venn Diagram again, say, hey wait wait wait, are are agreeing? Are we agreeing? You know? [ MUSIC ] Hey. Hey. How've you been? I'm good. How are you? I'm fine. Just sitting over here trying to solve all the problems in the world, you know. I'm hopeful as we move in to things like red flags laws, and that's what Dan and I can agree on a lot of stuff. There is a level of due process that's gonna be acceptable to everybody. We just haven't reached that point. One of the many frustrating things was they're asking me to compromise. My question back is, what are you willing to give up on to get my support. As soon as I ask for something it shuts down discussion. And I did question you at some point in that group about why you went to D. C. because you don't seem to have any interest in really changing your view, nor should you. But I was curious about how much you were taking in [ MUSIC ] From those of us that feel differently, and considering it. Seriously considering where we were coming from. [ MUSIC ] And it's really kinda funny, because one of the questions I had today was, would you go back to DC? And I said, absolutely, because I don't actually have an opportunity to talk to people. In a way that we were able to talk in DC, okay? What I see from Moms Demand Action is what's sitting across the table when I'm talking to legislators, okay? And that is definitely different than you and I sitting around Talking or [ INAUDIBLE ] A wild hope is suddenly, there would be grand consensis. But that really wasn't what we expected to happen. At the end I think there was transformation, that understanding that, wow, if we can go deeply enough we can hear people at a whole different level. Do I wish it could have happened to everyone? Yes, completely. But it didn't. And that also has to be it. [ MUSIC ] [ MUSIC ] [ UNKNOWN ] Society rush through things, and your's truly is guilty as anybody. And that's what the group did to me It said reflect, focus, go back, reset. I think we need to call a big reset in the country sometimes. 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