Welcome back to Dancing with the Stars, where the Mirror Ball trophy is still dangling just out of reach of the grasping, cold, spray-tanned hands of our D-listers. Tonight's obstacle standing in the way of a celebrity bringing home the world's must versatile home accessory? The much-discussed Switch Up.
Remember the 2010 Jennifer Aniston film The Switch where Jason Bateman drunkenly switched his baby-making material with the contribution of his BFF's sperm donor? This is just like that, except your nana tippled too much sherry and drunk dialed the DWTS hotline and ordered that the nice host from The Price is Right get to dance with that cute Cheryl Burke or else she's cancelling her subscription to ABC.
Here's what happened on Dancing with the Stars:
Candace Cameron Bure and Tony Dovolani: Candace's take on the match up? "This is going to be so interesting." Then she keeled over in horror. Clad in a dress that could only count as "punk" in the Disney version of The Sid and Nancy Story and dancing to The Sweet's "Ballroom Blitz," the duo quick stepped away with Lori Laughlin watching from the audience because Aunt Becky has nothing better to do with her Monday nights. The judges weren't thrilled with Candace's footwork or armwork, but felt bad about having nothing nice to say and applauded her "energy." 28/40 and 60/80 combined.
James Maslow and Cheryl Burke: Cheryl knows a few things about making a sexy tango, so she swiped a shirtless matador outfit from Maks' closet, swirled up rumors that James was "cheating" on Peta with her, and hit the ballroom with a bang. Julianne Hough had no problem declaring James "the total package," so long as he has "Peta help him tuck his pelvis." Bruno had no problem with his pelvis. 35/40 or 71/80 combined
Best Critique That Sounds Like Cosmo Sex Advice: "She was specific in what she wanted and how she wanted it, so it was pretty fun," said James about dancing with Cheryl.
Best Out of Context Remark: "It sounds like we have a little bit of tucking to do next week," said host Erin Andrews before pimping out Peta to James and begging them to start dating so she would have something to talk about.
Drew Carey and Witney Carson: Through some diabolical scheme, Drew, who at 55 is now the oldest contestant in the competition, has been paired with little tiny baby Witney. As Cheryl put it, "They have this grandpa-granddaughter thing. It's cute. Creepy, but cute." As Drew had the lowest score last week, he couldn't get worse, but managed to wow the judges with his cha cha with Bruno going so far as to declare it "brilliant." 33/40, 63/80 combined
Biggest TMI Of The Night: "I haven't had that much fun in a minute and a half since I was a teenager," announced Len Goodman while reviewing Drew's dance.
Macy's Stars of Dance: Derek Hough has taken over as creative director for this segment, which means dramatic lighting, a severe lack of shirts, intense choreography and incorporating slow motion camera techniques into the live performance. In short: It's great.
Danica McKenna and Maks Chmerkovskiy: Danica hit the lottery and swapped one Chmerkovskiy brother for the other. Julianne accused Maks of "phoning it in" but Maks claimed that at his age he likes to dance every dance as if it is his last. 32/40; 68/80 combined
Charlie White and Peta Murgatroyd: "The super sexy look on me doesn't come super naturally," said Charlie White while preparing for his rumba with Peta. To help him achieve the "super sexy look" he Dippity Do'd his hair back and stole a purple cater waiter's outfit. Julianne thought it was "stunning and beautiful" and deemed Charlie "a mother's dream." But Carrie Ann and Len didn't think the dance was much of a rumba and Unofficial Lift Police Carrie Ann also spied a lift, which means points will be deducted. 34/40, 69/80
Amy Purdy and Mark Ballas: After being paired with Paralympic snowboarder Amy, Mark had to go to Derek for advice on how to interpret dance technique when working with a woman who has no feet. They were able to deliver a salsa that was so hot it gave Taco Bell's fire sauce some serious competition. After Carrie Ann congratulated Amy on her abs, Len decided it was appropriate to announce that Amy's "bottom is the top." Way to stay on topic, guys. 34/40, 70/80 combined.
Cody Simpson and Sharna Burgess: Cody has grown accustomed to being matched with newbie dancer Witney, so when paired with relatively ancient Sharna, he had no choice but to deem it like "dancing with his mom." FYI, Sharna is 28 and managed not to spank him for his insolence. (She believes in attachment parenting). For their foxtrot Cody wisely opted to reap some royalties while on stage and sang their soundtrack. 31/40, 66/80 combined
Best Not Dirty Comment That Sounds Dirty: "You're not quite in control of your length of bone," said Bruno about Cody, for once not trying for the double (or even single) entendre.
Nene Leakes and Derek Hough: Derek feels lucky to be able to dance jazz with the Real Housewives star because he thinks it plays to her strengths. Set to Beyoncé's "Grown Woman," Derek managed to bring out the best in Nene and make her usual partner Tony look under-qualified in comparison. If Nene makes it through to next week, it's because of Derek. Len dubbed it the best dance she did this season, while Bruno delivered a backhanded, "I don't care about the music, I'm doing my own thing!" 32/40, 63/80 combined.
Meryl Davis and Val Chmerkovskiy: Val got to give Olympic gold medalist and current DWTS leader Meryl a whirl this week and he made the most of it. Their Argentine tango was dynamic, fast-paced and downright impressive. Even Julianne Hough couldn't help but croak that she wished she could dance like Meryl. High praise with high marks to match. 39/40, which tied their score from last week, meaning there will be peace around the Chmerkovskiy brothers' dinner table this week.
The Leaderboard: Meryl is in the lead with a combined score of 78/80 with Candace bringing up the rear (is that an offensively risqué term?) with 60.
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