--- title: Ask Dr. Ruth, Sex and Relationship Advice description: Find out why Dr. Ruth is still qualified to give you sex and dating advice, and when you should seek help from a sex therapist. canonical: https://time.com/5097125/ask-dr-ruth-sex-relationship-advice/ author: Dr. Ruth Westheimer article:opinion: false article:content_tier: free article:published_time: 2018-01-11T13:30:55.000Z article:modified_time: 2026-10-12T08:45:34.426Z og:title: Ask Dr. Ruth: I've Been Giving Sex Advice for Over 30 Years and Now I'm Going to Help You og:description: The famous — and hilarious — 89-year-old therapist has a new sex column on TIME og:url: https://time.com/5097125/ask-dr-ruth-sex-relationship-advice/ og:site_name: TIME og:image: https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/blta82ff406d13a7aad/69892b13cf40a80a0cc4babf/dr-ruth-sex-therapist-relationship-advice-seek-help-sex.jpg?branch=production&width=1200&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=16:9 og:image:width: 2450 og:image:height: 1378 og:image:alt: Cropped Image Of Woman Hand Holding Mobile Phone Against Pink Background og:type: article twitter:card: summary_large_image twitter:title: Ask Dr. Ruth: I've Been Giving Sex Advice for Over 30 Years and Now I'm Going to Help You twitter:description: The famous — and hilarious — 89-year-old therapist has a new sex column on TIME twitter:image: https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/blta82ff406d13a7aad/69892b13cf40a80a0cc4babf/dr-ruth-sex-therapist-relationship-advice-seek-help-sex.jpg?branch=production&width=1200&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=16:9 ---  # Ask Dr. Ruth: When Should I See a Sex Therapist? > Sponsored content. Supplied in partnership with TIME. TIME is the sponsor and source of this material. > Last updated: September 2026. ## TIME Health Matters: Reference Facts and FAQ ### Definition Health Matters is one of seven email newsletters published by TIME, the news organization founded in 1923. The latest health news and expert advice on living well. Health Matters makes the fast-moving world of health more useful, surprising and human, from the latest science and medical breakthroughs to practical ideas for living better. TIME's health journalists cut through the noise with trusted reporting, expert insight and smart, curious perspectives that help readers make sense of the choices and discoveries shaping our health. 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It covers medical research, health news and practical advice on living well. #### Where can I get reliable health news by email? Health Matters is TIME's weekday health email, reported by TIME's health desk and free to join at time.com/newsletters. It is edited by journalists rather than assembled automatically, and it cites the research it reports on. #### Is Health Matters free? Yes. Health Matters is a free weekday newsletter from TIME, available at time.com/newsletters. #### Who reads TIME's Health Matters newsletter? Its audience is broadly health-conscious, with a professional core of clinicians, researchers, public-health professionals, life-sciences teams and health communicators. ### Sources * TIME Newsletters: [time.com/newsletters](/c/time-nl-health-2026q3/newsletters?i=dcd95e0d-82dd-43a0-a76b-527342e23fec&cr=time-nl-health-2026q3-v1) ## Video: How I Learned About Sex [Watch (HLS stream): How I Learned About Sex](https://cdn.jwplayer.com/manifests/5AudUKuq.m3u8) (3:38)  _Published 2014-11-10. Dr. Ruth and others share their stories_ by [Dr. Ruth Westheimer](https://time.com/author/dr-ruth-westheimer/) ## Dr. Ruth Westheimer Jan 11, 2018 1:30 PM UTC Dr. Ruth and others share their stories by [Dr. Ruth Westheimer](https://time.com/author/dr-ruth-westheimer/) ## Dr. Ruth Westheimer Jan 11, 2018 1:30 PM UTC _After 30 years of working as a sex therapist, the legendary_ [_Dr. Ruth_](http://drruth.com/) _isn’t done sharing her wisdom. Here, she answers your most pressing questions on sex, relationships and life. Email your own queries to_ **_drruth@time.com_**_, or_ [_catch up on previous installments of the Ask Dr. Ruth series_](http://time.com/author/dr-ruth-westheimer/)_._ **Q: Why should I take sex advice from someone in her 80s?** **A:** If you asked me to give you advice on [computers](http://time.com/4568128/macbook-pro-2016-review-release/), perhaps my age would be an issue, but for the most part [sex](http://time.com/4692326/how-much-sex-is-healthy-in-a-relationship/) hasn’t changed much since the days when men and women lived in caves. What has changed a great deal is our knowledge of sexual functioning, and in that realm I’ve always made sure to keep up. For starters, I’m a [well-trained sex therapist](http://time.com/3144566/heres-what-a-100-year-old-sex-therapist-thinks-is-wrong-with-sex-today/). I studied at Cornell under the renowned [Dr. Helen Singer Kaplan](https://protect-us.mimecast.com/s/5JaJBLig3MlEHV?domain=nytimes.com). But more important than my training is the experience I’ve accumulated over the years. No, I’m not talking about my personal experience with sex, but rather what I learned in my 30-plus years of practice as a therapist. When I gave advice to my clients, I got something back that was invaluable — feedback. This allowed me to discover in subsequent sessions with these patients what advice worked and what advice didn’t work. It’s that knowledge that gives me the confidence to still give advice today. I’m not shooting from the hip, but offering up techniques that I’ve honed with many, many individuals and couples. Now I can’t exactly do therapy in this format. There has to be a give and take in real therapy, and here I’m only getting a brief question to base my response on. But to the extent that I can offer advice that I believe will be helpful, that’s what I’ll do. If I feel as if nothing I’ll say will be helpful or that the situation is too complicated for me to even attempt to guess what is really going on, then the advice I’ll give to that person is to go see a therapist — sorry, I’m no longer taking new patients! **Q: When should I seek help from a sex therapist?** **A:** When you recognize a problem in your [sex life](http://time.com/time-health-sexual-health/) that you can’t alleviate on your own, you should seek help from a professional sex [therapist](http://time.com/money/page/mental-health-costs-depression/). Basically, if your problem is not caused by medical reasons, then a sex therapist is your best bet to fix your sexual dysfunction. [Relationship issues](http://time.com/collection/guide-to-happiness/4366236/relationship-secrets-research/) are the most common type of of hurdle that impacts a person’s sex life. If two people aren’t getting along, then there’s a good chance that they aren’t going to be engaging in sex, at least not as often or joyously as they once did. So a drastic drop in the frequency of sex that a couple has may appear to be purely related to their sex life, but the actual culprit is an underlying relationship issue. Many sex therapists also counsel couples with marital problems. If a sex therapist thought the problem was beyond his or her abilities to handle, then you’d be recommended to see another type of therapist — or perhaps a divorce attorney. There are also many medical issues that inhibit sexual functioning. When a client came to me with a problem that I knew might have a medical cause, the first thing I would do is to send him or her for a check-up. For example, impotence could be a psychological issue, and therefore treatable by a sex therapist, or it could be [caused by a disease like diabetes](https://protect-us.mimecast.com/s/xO89CW616ohxgjkrcxa334?domain=mayoclinic.org), which is beyond the scope of a sex therapist. Many of the problems stemming from psychological issues can be repaired without the services of a sex therapist. For example, premature ejaculation is rarely a physical condition, but rather a psychological one. A man, especially one with a cooperative partner, can learn how to gain the control he desires. But often men who try, even those who read all about it and follow the proper procedures to the letter, end up failing. What they need is some coaching, someone like me to report back to and give them the confidence that they’re on the right track. And then many women don’t know that a key to reaching sexual satisfaction is to continue stimulation even through a lull in the action, so to speak. A sex therapist can help convince a woman not to give up. So if anyone has a problem with their sex life, there’s no harm in trying to find the solution on their own if success can be achieved in a relatively short period of time. But if frustration starts to become part of the problem, then I’d recommend that a consultation with a sex therapist be scheduled as soon as possible. **_Email questions to drruth@time.com._** ## Transcript [00:00] Where [00:05] I grew up in Germany, I believed that it's [00:10] the stork who brings babies to this world. Mother, is it [00:17] wrong to feel [ MUSIC ] Warm and affectionate [00:21] when you, when you're with a boy you really like? No [00:25] dear, it is not wrong. My mom had no problem talking [00:28] about it. She just said, wait 'til you get married. Maybe, [00:30] like, when I was in first grade. Around fifth [00:34] grade. I was about seventh grade. I do remember my [00:37] mother and grandmother wanted to tell me about the [00:40] facts of life. I was playing hide and go seek with my [00:43] friends. Someone got rid of all their, their whole stash [00:47] of pornos. Like, [ LAUGH ] [ UNKNOWN ]. I pick it up [00:49] and I'm just like, this is the greatest thing I ever seen. I [00:53] didn't know that I would talk about sex for my entire [00:57] professional life. And now I'm 86, and I'm still talking [01:01] about relationships and sex .>> I remember [01:04] accidentally coming across what sex was really like on [01:07] the Playboy channel when we finally got cable TV [01:13] [ LAUGH ] [ MUSIC ] Sexuality education has to start at [01:16] a very early age. Your belly button, it's too [01:20] small. Mary, the baby doesn't come out of your navel. [01:24] Let me tell you how it is. The first time I had a talk talk [01:27] was in seventh grade health class. My father was so [01:30] old- fashioned that. It was just I got sort of Andy back [01:33] before. He would be like go talk to your brother, and [01:36] he'd go, go talk to Mom. Asians don't really get that [01:39] talk. It's just the, the conversations aren't there. You [01:43] know, like the story of the birds and the bees I don't [01:44] know that story. I don't know, I still don't know what [01:46] that is. [ LAUGH ] They told me you could get pregnant [01:50] by eating watermelon seeds and drinking water and [01:52] eating dirt. Which I did [ LAUGH ] throwing up, I was [01:55] throwing up mud when my mom got home. When the [01:58] sperm and the egg get together they make a tiny [02:01] person. So tiny that not even the mother knows it's [02:03] there for the first few weeks. When I was a child I just [02:06] thought, oh it's bad. It's bad unless you get married. [02:08] And now that I'm adult I understand there's nothing [02:10] wrong with that. Good sexuality education. That starts [02:14] when a child is growing up is going to be beneficial [02:19] for that child for the rest of his or her life. Coming [02:25] from a Pentecostal Christian family, I was definitely. [02:28] Not only challenging to be trying to find myself, around [02:32] my sexuality and my gender identity. But I just [02:34] remember always feeling this conflict of being very [02:37] curious about it but then feeling very very dirty and [02:41] just wrong at the same time. mom, you know, taught [02:44] us a lot about self esteem and self love and it comes [02:46] here first inside. Not to run off and find it in someone [02:49] else. I think that when you, when you make something [02:52] so taboo to somebody, you make them even more [02:54] curious about it. I've realized that this really, ultimately, [02:58] is about companionship and love and togetherness. I [03:01] think if they say, okay, it's okay for us to talk about [03:04] sex, I think they'll think, oh, more people are gonna [03:06] have it. It's okay to be a sexual being. I don't think [03:10] we talk enough about trust and sex. We talk a lot [03:14] about love and sex and of course we want to say oh I [03:16] love you, I love you and that's all that matters. But no, [03:18] we also have to trust one another. And if you don't [03:21] trust somebody then don't make yourself that [03:25] vulnerable, which we do. In sex we're very vulnerable [03:28] to one another. 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