The Bachelorette Recap: Hot Tubs and Handball in the Norwegian Wood

Rachel Lindsay is still looking for love on The Bachelorette, but the men and their drama just keep getting in the way. That cannot stand (at least without boring fans to tears) so hopefully this week the love and the drama will be equally balanced. Just kidding, this is already being billed as a two-night event that is going to rival Roots and compete with Game of Thrones for best drama at the Emmy Awards.

The Drama

Kenny and Lee are still fighting and Lee is still arrogant, aggravating and passive aggressive and Kenny is using some deep breathing techniques not to lose his temper, but it’s not going so well. Eventually they head their separate ways and Will takes it upon himself to explain a few things to Lee, like the long history of black men being unfairly accused of being “aggressive” and explaining that Kenny wasn’t “trying to play the race card,” but was actually offended. Lee didn’t seem to care. Lee needs to go home and the producers need to realize that racism is not a plot point.

The First One-On-One Date

On paper, Rachel and Jack have a lot in common. He’s a thirtysomething Dallas attorney with good hair. She’s a thirtysomething Dallas attorney with good hair. Yet when the two go on a carriage ride through the historic town of Bluffton, South Carolina, even the horse has to stifle a yawn. When they go to a “shuckin’ and shaggin’” fest, the oysters beg to be eaten just so they don’t have to listen to Rachel’s polite conversation anymore. To be fair, Rachel is apparently battling a cold, but it’s clear she is not feeling the sparks. Jack, however, doesn’t notice the lack of chemistry, mistaking her courteous smile for a genuine one. He yammers on and on about how much he is enjoying himself and can’t stop staring at the woman he is probably going to marry, so is totally blindsided when she decides not to give him the rose.

The Rose Ceremony

Remember when they used to have Rose Ceremonies at the end of each episode? Ah, good memories. Rachel cancels the cocktail party because even she can’t handle the drama these menfolk bring. First rose goes to Eric, followed by Peter, Adam, Will, Matt (wait, this guy is either new or just wandered in off the street), Alex, Josiah, some other people, Kenny, and then it’s the final rose, which of course goes to Lee, because the producers need to squeeze the last drop of this drama out of this dried out lemon. That meant the Tickle Monster went home with one last tickle (really?) as did Iggy.

Road Trip!

Rachel packs up her suitors and heads to the land of the vikings. The crew heads to Oslo, Norway, complete with establishing shots of fjords, the National Theater, the Scandic hotel, the trams, etc. Rachel thinks international travel is the best way to get to know each other.

The Second One-on-One Date

Rachel winnows Bryan from the herd of men and takes him to the top of the world to rappel down from the Holmenkollbakken ski jump while making analogies to marriage. Normally, Rachel is “more afraid to let go emotionally than physically” (that was a super natural thing to say, producers) but not this time. Luckily, Bryan is there, making her feel like she “can do anything,” even kiss while dangling in the air 187 meters up! The producers make sure to play every bit of heavy breathing and panting as the two make their way down to the ground. When they reach solid ground, they make out in front of the people trying to get their harnesses off. As Rachel and Bryan spread cooties all over Oslo, Bryan told her he was falling in love with her. She kissed him and gave him the rose while they made googly eyes at each other and set the bar very, very high for chemistry.

The Group Date

The best way to see what a man is made of is to throw him into a skin tight singlet and make him play competitive handball. The men all showed off their athletic skills and, well, pretty much everything else while they played the game (those singlets were tight). Will was the MVP, though — or maybe Adam Jr., the creepy doll they carted all the way to Norway just to ruin the global reputation of non-doll-toting Americans.

Before the after-party, Rachel tells the camera she wants to be wooed, and Will steps up again and Rachel likes it. She gets some quality time with each of the men. Josiah ruins it all by telling her that he wants to grow old with her and throws a whole bunch of other smooth lines at her, and she calls him on it. She interviews that she thinks he is disingenuous. Then Peter shows up and tells Rachel that they can’t make out because they have a lot of ground to cover. Rachel casually asks him, “Do you want to cover it in the hot tub?” Yes he does. They make out in the hot tub in the middle of a group date and then just rejoin the rest of the men. To divert suspicion Rachel gave the date rose to Will, which made Peter doubt everything he knew.

Two-On-One Date

Kenny and Lee are air lifted to an undisclosed location in the Norwegian wilderness to duke it out for Rachel’s love. After a tearfully sweet conversation with his daughter, Kenny is all peace and love during his time with Rachel. Kenny tells Lee that he should just appreciate where he is, because the Norwegian wood is beautiful. Lee decides to be a snake in the wood and spends all his time with Rachel bad-mouthing and seemingly lying about Kenny. Ugh. Rachel tells Kenny what Lee said and he denies it all and is understandably ticked off that Lee is trying to gas light him when the producers have the receipts. Then the fun really starts — but that has to wait until tomorrow. But based on the trailer this is the only GIF you’ll need.