Answer by Vijayraj Kamat on Quora.
How do you gain people skills?
Simple. By genuinely loving people.
Empathy, care, sensitivity in speaking, acting will naturally follow?
Except that it usually doesn’t.
We spend a lot of effort ‘practising’ people skills, but it still does not get us anywhere.
Why?
Because what “How do I gain people skills?” often actually means is:
“How do I get people to like me?”
“How do I get people to do what I want?”
“How do I get people to do what I want, but feel like they are doing it for themselves?”
It is all about ‘me’. The better word would be ‘me skills’ rather than ‘people skills’.
It would be like someone in India saying “I really want to get to Eiffel Tower and I mean it” then getting a map of India, scratching out “Map of India” and labelling it as “Map of France” and trying to follow it. No matter how much he ‘sincerely’ walks, he will never end up in the right place.
So you need to get the ‘me’ out first. You need to understand what that even means!
If you are a person who is genuinely empathetic, a deep listener, truly present, sincerely care, compassionate, courageous – rather than “practising day and night” toappear like someone who is empathetic, exhibiting body language of a good listener,mimicking behaviours of ‘being present’, imitating actions of ‘caring people’, ‘charismatic people’ based on scientific studies – chances are you are going to end up being a very good people person…and sustain it forever.
People will be touched by your authentic presence. Even if you were never ‘trying for it’. Even if you are far from perfect.
So yes; to be a good people person, start by actually loving people, without any ulterior motives. BE a people person, rather than working hard to PRETEND you are a people person.
This question originally appeared on Quora: How do you gain people skills?
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