--- title: How to Politely Disagree, According to Science description: How to use neuroscience and psychology to keep your temper level and your mind open canonical: https://time.com/4648916/talk-someone-disagree-anger/ author: Michelle Kinder article:opinion: true article:content_tier: free article:published_time: 2017-01-27T14:47:33.000Z article:modified_time: 2026-08-04T07:54:43.073Z article:section: Ideas og:title: How to Politely Disagree, According to Science og:description: Using neuroscience and psychology to keep your temper level and your mind open og:url: https://time.com/4648916/talk-someone-disagree-anger/ og:site_name: TIME og:image: https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/bltd54cb39e1d52bc0f/6988b78c428a9e42ffcd5a63/disagree-election-conversation-anger-harassment-health-anger-racism.jpg?branch=production&width=1200&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=16:9 og:image:width: 4850 og:image:height: 2728 og:image:alt: Two men pulling at tangled rope in opposite directions og:type: article twitter:card: summary_large_image twitter:title: How to Politely Disagree, According to Science twitter:description: Using neuroscience and psychology to keep your temper level and your mind open twitter:image: https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/bltd54cb39e1d52bc0f/6988b78c428a9e42ffcd5a63/disagree-election-conversation-anger-harassment-health-anger-racism.jpg?branch=production&width=1200&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=16:9 ---  # How to Politely Disagree, According to Science > Sponsored content. 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A paid TIME subscription is separate and available at time.com/subscribe-agent. ## Video: How to Stay Mentally Strong When You Think You're About to Crack [Watch (HLS stream): How to Stay Mentally Strong When You Think You're About to Crack](https://cdn.jwplayer.com/manifests/QLgnQEN9.m3u8) (0:39)  _Published 2016-01-27_ by [Michelle Kinder](https://time.com/author/michelle-kinder/) ## Michelle Kinder Jan 27, 2017 2:47 PM UTC  Gary Waters—Getty Images/Ikon Images by [Michelle Kinder](https://time.com/author/michelle-kinder/) ## Michelle Kinder Jan 27, 2017 2:47 PM UTC After an [election](http://time.com/time-person-of-the-year-2016-donald-trump/) that was glaringly [short on tolerance](http://time.com/3988886/donald-trump-controversy/) and [compassion](http://time.com/4287210/compassion-toward-donald-trump-supporters/), it’s clear we need a new kind of public conversation, where we learn to reach beyond the comforts of people who already think like us, to listen and talk in new ways. This seems daunting. But as a family therapist, I find it heartening to know that practicing social and emotional health in our own homes, even in small ways, can lay the groundwork for a return to civility and connection. In my field, a theory known as “family systems” argues that creating change anywhere in the family can improve the entire system. Think of the country in this light — as a family. By using three key tactics of social and emotional health, we can take a strong next step toward a healthier society. **1.** **Beware the Amygdala Hijack.** You over-react. We all do. It happens. But understanding the neurobiology of over-reaction can help us bring our best selves to difficult situations. When differences seem unbridgeable, the amygdala — part of the brain’s primitive limbic system — can hijack the pre-frontal cortex, the home of rational thinking. This overload activates the fight, flight or freeze response and makes it impossible for us to see the situation with [clear eyes](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pppSJwrEmoI&feature=youtu.be). When triggered like this, we say or do things we normally wouldn’t. But we can train our brains to note when this is happening. With that heightened awareness, we can choose to handle it differently. Without it, we react out of habit and can damage our relationships. In discussions with people who have different beliefs, pay attention to physical clues, like your heart racing. Awareness strengthens your capacity to recover quickly, maintain calm and keep thinking. It won’t resolve issues instantly, but it can create safety so you can continue solving the problem in the future. **2\. Approach differences with genuine curiosity.** When we see someone new, our brains identify them as either an “[outsider](https://www.weforum.org/agenda/2016/10/us-versus-them-how-neurophilosophy-explains-populism-racism-and-extremism/)” or part of our group—in less than a thousandth of a second. Such snap judgments impair our capacity to listen with genuine curiosity — which, as [StoryCorp’](https://storycorps.org/)s [Dave Isay](http://www.ted.com/talks/dave%5Fisay%5Feveryone%5Faround%5Fyou%5Fhas%5Fa%5Fstory%5Fthe%5Fworld%5Fneeds%5Fto%5Fhear) argues, is one of the most powerful gifts we can give other people and ourselves. Listen to family or strangers with curiosity, not judgment. This will transform them in your mind from a flat caricature to a three-dimensional human being. This makes it easier to accept everyone’s flawed complexity, including our own. **3\. Model clarity and courage.** A subset of Americans interpreted the election results as permission to engage more openly in hate crimes. The Southern Poverty Law Center recorded some 900 incidents of [harassment](https://www.splcenter.org/20161129/ten-days-after-harassment-and-intimidation-aftermath-election) in November alone­­ — many occurring in [schools](http://www.cnn.com/2016/11/29/health/school-survey-post-election-negative-incidents/), where all kids ought to feel safe. To create families, communities and a public culture that welcome and encourage conflicting points of view, be clear about non-negotiables like racism or sweeping judgments. Call attention to acts of intolerance, both publicly and in your own daily life. Speak out against slurs and jokes that target groups of people. We should respect context and the past by researching and understanding our history of civil unrest. Our kids need to see us valuing diversity and developing intergroup friendships — and to see us challenging our assumptions and growing in the process. Culture develops in a dual process: From top-down and bottom-up, one interaction and one intention at a time. We have a lot of work to do. But we can’t underestimate our personal and community power in setting the tone for our national conversation and fostering tolerance and compassion. ```json [{"@context":"https://schema.org","@type":"OpinionNewsArticle","@id":"https://time.com/4648916/talk-someone-disagree-anger/","mainEntityOfPage":{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https://time.com/4648916/talk-someone-disagree-anger/"},"headline":"How to Politely Disagree, According to Science","datePublished":"2017-01-27T14:47:33.000Z","dateModified":"2026-08-04T07:54:43.073Z","description":"Using neuroscience and psychology to keep your temper level and your mind open","url":"https://time.com/4648916/talk-someone-disagree-anger/","keywords":["politics","relationships"],"thumbnailUrl":"https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/bltd54cb39e1d52bc0f/6988b78c428a9e42ffcd5a63/disagree-election-conversation-anger-harassment-health-anger-racism.jpg?branch=production&width=1200&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=1200:675&height=675","author":[{"@type":"Person","name":"Michelle Kinder","jobTitle":null,"url":"https://time.com/author/michelle-kinder/"}],"articleSection":"Ideas","image":[{"@type":"ImageObject","url":"https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/bltd54cb39e1d52bc0f/6988b78c428a9e42ffcd5a63/disagree-election-conversation-anger-harassment-health-anger-racism.jpg?branch=production&width=1200&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=1200:675&height=675","width":1200,"height":675,"headline":"Two men pulling at tangled rope in opposite directions","caption":"Two men pulling at tangled rope in opposite directions","creditText":"Gary Waters—Getty Images/Ikon Images","representativeOfPage":true}],"publisher":{"@type":"Organization","name":"Time","url":"https://time.com/","logo":{"@type":"ImageObject","url":"https://time.com/images/logo.png","width":528,"height":156},"foundingDate":"March 3, 1923","sameAs":["https://www.facebook.com/time","https://www.instagram.com/time/?hl=en","https://twitter.com/time","https://www.pinterest.com/timemagazine"]}},{"@context":"https://schema.org","@type":"BreadcrumbList","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"item":{"@id":"/section/ideas/","name":"Ideas"}},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"item":{"@id":"https://time.com/4648916/talk-someone-disagree-anger/","name":"How to Politely Disagree, According to Science"}}]},{"@context":"https://schema.org","@type":"VideoObject","name":"How to Stay Mentally Strong When You Think You're About to Crack","description":"","thumbnailUrl":"https://cdn.jwplayer.com/v2/media/QLgnQEN9/poster.jpg?width=720","uploadDate":"2016-01-27T15:44:28.000Z","contentUrl":"https://cdn.jwplayer.com/manifests/QLgnQEN9.m3u8","embedUrl":"https://time.com/4648916/talk-someone-disagree-anger/","duration":"PT39S","potentialAction":{"@type":"SeekToAction","target":"https://time.com/4648916/talk-someone-disagree-anger/?jw_start={seek_to_second_number}","startOffset-input":"required name=seek_to_second_number"}}] ```