By Melissa Locker
January 3, 2017

Welcome back to The Bachelor where repeat offender Nick Viall gets his fourth chance at finding love while everyone watches. While he failed to thrive with The Bachelorette’s Andi Dorfman and Kaitlyn Bristowe and Bachelor in Paradise’s Jen Saviano, as the star of The Bachelor both Nick and the producers are genuinely hopeful he doesn’t “f–k it up.” This time things will be different, according to Nick, because his time he promises “to give America a happy ending” and then cracks up like a 15-year old at the dinner table. That’s your Bachelor, America.

Here’s what happened on The Bachelor:

The Mentors: Nick has a lot of history with The Bachelor franchise and his former competitors and reality show cohorts have feelings about him. That doesn’t stop Bachelors Past from doling out advice to him, including Ben Higgins, Sean Lowe, and Farmer Chris (much to the amusement of his ex, Whitney). Sean announces that a lot of people still see Nick as “a giant tool bag,” but swears Nick has become a kinder, gentler human. (Um, don’t tell that to Jen, who he dumped on Bachelor in Paradise so he could be the Bachelor.) Like every bad boyfriend you’ve ever had (or been) Nick swears he has learned a lot about himself and is prepared to win America back. He’s grown, he is ready to learn how to sit on a couch sideways, and drop on one knee and slip a Neil Lane Diamond on a girl’s finger and ask her to be engaged to him for at least six months as per Bachelor contract (probably).

Here’s what happened on The Bachelor:

The Intro: Yes, the producers managed to fit in a gratuitous shot of Nick in the shower.

The First Limo: The first girl out of the limo is Danielle L. a 27-year-old business owner with killer eyelash, nail and hair extensions; Elizabeth is “so happy” to be there; Rachel is a 31-year-old lawyer who likes to vacuum in her spare time according to her video introduction; Christen did a one-second long fan dance; Taylor is a Hopkins-educated mental health counselor who negged Nick like a boss with a line about how her friends think he’s a “piece of s—,” and then psychoanalyzed him to the other women. Rooting for her!

Limo Two: Angela is a model who is here for Nick; Lauren Hussey makes a “vile hussy” joke that Nick may not get; Michelle is a food truck owner who wants to make “lemonade” (hopefully Beyoncé style); Dominique hopes the “fourth time’s the charm”; Ida Marie made Nick do a trust fall; Olivia from Alaska gave Nick an “eskimo kiss”; Astrid made German sound sexy; Hailey made an off-color joke; and Sarah jogged up to meet him because he might “appreciate another runner up.”

Best Opener: Jasmine G. is a pro NBA dancer who brought Neil Lane with her in the limo, just to make it clear that she is here for the right reasons—a 12- carat diamond ring.

The Drama: Turns out that one of the contestants already knew Nick, biblically speaking. Liz hooked up with Nick at the wedding of Bachelor alumni Jade and Tanner and hasn’t talked to him since. He asked for her number and she said no, which is kind of awesome. She wants to see where things will go now that he’s on television again. Liz steps out of the limo, Nick gives her an anonymous hug, and equally anonymous send-off. As she walks off, he gives her a quizzical look, and when Chris Harrison goes to chat with him, Nick says she looked familiar. Inside, she claims that she thinks it’s awesome that he doesn’t remember her and can’t wait to refresh his memory.

Limo Three: Corinne is a Miami business woman who lives with her family—and her nanny; Vanessa is a tri-lingual special needs teacher from Canada who is looking for the love her life (Nick dubs her “a keeper”. There’s a neo-natal intensive care nurse from Nashville, who brings Nick homemade maple syrup and tells him that if things get “sticky” he should come find her. Raven is an ATV-driving business owner from small town Arkansas with a serious hog call; Jami announces she has sweaty hands, tells Nick that he has faults, and then shoves her fingers up her nose to reveal her nose ring, which is a very strange pick up line. There’s a doctor who tests his heart, an aspiring beard masseuse, a flight attendant, a Pilates instructor, and a woman who puts on a plastic glove and tells Nick to bend over. Then there’s Josephine, a nurse who gets the kooky cat lady treatment and tells Nick, “You’re a wiener in my book” and opens a book to reveal a hot dog, which Nick eats for some reason.

Ladies in Red: For some reason, approximately half of the 30 women decided to wear red dresses, which makes them look like a gathering of Rajneeshees. There are so many red dresses that when a girl rode up on a dang camel, the women simply shook their heads and said, “Damn, there’s another girl in a red dress.” As for the camel girl, she told Nick: “I hear you like a good hump,” and then slid off the camel. How do you top a camel? Thirty seconds later, a woman shows up dressed like a shark who calls herself a dolphin, which is probably a metaphor. There’s a chance she’s just in it for the dolphin jokes, though: “I dolphin-itely want to see you inside.”

The Cocktail Party: Inside the mansion, there are 30 girls and one man on a path of redemption who wants them all to feel very empowered by the experience of begging for minutes and roses. He and Rachel the lawyer bond over big families and football; Christen the wedding videographer teaches him to box step; Jasmine G. tries to get some time with Nick, but he’s busy with a girl who didn’t bring Neil Lane on their first meeting. Nick and the neo-natal intensive care nurse have a long talk about her career, which is practically unheard of on this show. The dolphin-shark starts dancing on the floor and making dolphin calls from the pool, saying, “I want to be the first dolphin to get a rose.”

The First Kiss: Corinne gives Nick a bag of tokens (that her nanny probably packed) and then leaves him wanting more. As Vanessa and Nick get to know each other and make googly eyes together, Corinne returns and drags him away for a kiss. Nick naively hopes no other women saw it, but of course they did. Corinne’s nanny probably saw it too.

The First Impression Rose: Chris Harrison drops off the First Impression Rose and all the women stare at it like it’s another girl in a red dress. Later in the evening, Nick plucks the rose from its special tray and hands it to the Shark-Dolphin. Okay, not really, but he does do something almost as unexpected, which is to give the rose to Rachel, the Texas lawyer who also so happens to be an African-American. This possibly means that Rachel is being groomed to be the next star of The Bachelorette and if that happens—ABOUT TIME, SHOW.

The Rose Ceremony: The first rose went to Vanessa, the tri-lingual special needs teacher; then to Danielle L. the business owner; Christen the wedding videographer; Astrid the sexy German; and Corinne the kisser. Then roses went to Elizabeth W. (the W stands for who?); Jasmine the pro-ball dancer; Raven the Razorback fan; the neo-natal nurse; Taylor the shrink; and then crazy cat lady Josephine, who got a rose and a grimace from Nick (the producers are clearly making him keep her). Then there was Christina (?); Sarah (??); Lacey (???); and the shark-dolphin who got a rose for being a good sport; and then roses were handed to a bunch of girls who weren’t dressed as dolphins — Whitney, Hailey, Dominique, Jaimi, Brittany, and then it was the final two.

The Final Rose: Liz still doesn’t have a rose and is making very meaningful eye contact with Nick. Luckily for her, Nick doesn’t have the karma points spare to dump a girl he hooked up with on national television. Maybe on the second night, but not the first.

Coming up this season: All you need to know is that at some point this season a girl says: “My heart is gold, my vagine is platinum.”

Also: On a special episode of Jimmy Kimmel Live!, Kimmel graced the world with this, which may be the best thing The Bachelor has ever inspired:

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