By Melissa Locker
May 31, 2016

Welcome back to The Bachelorette where JoJo Fletcher is rebounding from her break up with The Bachelor‘s Ben Higgins by dating 20 men simultaneously, ’cause that will teach him. Last week we met the men vying for her heart, and now she takes the first steps on her journey to love with only Chris Harrison as counsel.

Here’s what happened on The Bachelorette:

Group Date: Luke, Grant, Will, Evan, Daniel, Vinnie, Ali, James F., some guy in a seasonally-inappropriate stocking cap, and Robby, a former competitive swimmer, are invited to “heat things up.” That’s when the limo bursts into flames and the fire truck rolls up. JoJo climbs out and extinguishes the flames by herself, which should be a metaphor, but is really just an excuse to ogle JoJo handle a hose in a sexy fire fighter costume. Before the men lose themselves in Fantasy Suites fantasies, JoJo loads the men into a fire truck and sweeps them off to compete in a fire fighter challenge — and, frankly, if Grant, the IRL firefighter, doesn’t win this competition he should be forced to turn in his firehose and suspenders.

Wells proves that radio DJs don’t even have the mojo of erectile dysfunction specialists. He goes pale and clammy after some light exercise, so he has to take a moment to huff some oxygen and think about what he’s done with his life. Then JoJo comes to make sure he’s okay and somewhere Tierra has arched her eyebrow knowingly. Then the top three — Luke, Grant, and in a pity vote, Wells — compete for some quality time with JoJo. (Maybe the fire chief wants to see if Wells will need saving and he can earn himself some alone time with JoJo?) Luke starts out strong, but Grant and his actual firefighter skills win the day, earning him extra time with Jo Jo and sparing him some serious razzing from his work friends.

The After Party: For his prize, JoJo lets Grant audition for the June page of the Los Angeles Firefighters calendar. Then she chats with Wells about where his backing quartet All4One went and whether he recovered from all that exercise, James Taylor sang a little ditty, the Erectile Dysfunction Specialist admitted he had children, and Luke opened up about going to West Point and joining the military. While Luke got the kiss, Wells got the rose for getting the vapors while climbing a flight of stairs.

First Date Card: For her date with Derek, who is apparently on this show, JoJo loads him into her light blue convertible and then forces him to make all sort of decisions — Sea or Sky, North or South — because the basis of making long lasting relationships is the ability to make choices about luxury vacation options. They fly to San Francisco and make out in front of the Golden Gate Bridge. Later at dinner, Derek admits that he’s been hurt in the past and Jo Jo can totally relate (Exhibit A. last season of The Bachelor). Their mutual openness earns Derek a rose and prompts a lot of kissing.

The Bachelorette Milestone: Ladies and gentlemen, we have a villain! Chad quickly establishes himself as the frontrunner for house jerkface. He walks around in black tank tops, attaches his suitcase to his torso for pull ups, won’t join in the house singalongs, and dares to question the casts’ strong feelings for a relative stranger. Also, his only friend on the show is Damn Daniel, the meme-loving Canadian who stripped to his “man underwear” and jumped into the pool at the cocktail party. He and Chad are wearing matching tank tops, so you know their love is real. In retaliation the men have all started calling him either “super douche” or “A Chad,” and he is totally both. Or in Bachelor parlance, he is not here to make friends.

Second Group Date: Jordan, Nick, James Taylor, Christian, Alex, and Chad are supposed to “prove their love to me — and the nation.” The men are dropped off at SportsNation, which explains why Jordan Rogers is there, because THE DATE IS RIGGED. They transform SportsNation into BachelorNation and make the men compete in Bachelor-themed contests like spinning three times and then proposing, all narrated by Chad who is “calling things like they are.” He thinks the men are all liars for pretending to be in love with JoJo because they don’t even know her, which is true, but a little too true. He also called JoJo “naggy,” which should earn him a ticket home, but the show needs a villain so JoJo decides she likes his “honesty,” which she manages to say with a straight face. Hopefully she’ll send him packing and the show can keep him around as a narrator. The SportsNation host offered up their Power Rankings, trolling everyone by giving Alex the Marine the number three position, ranking Chad in the number two spot for “honesty,” and listing James Taylor as number one, totally negging Aaron Rogers. Guess Max Kellerman and Marcellus Wiley really do hate quarterbacks.

The After Party: Brad continues his tirade about how he is the only honest man in the room, because he is not here to make friends. While JoJo kisses James Taylor, Chad continues to voiceover the proceedings: Alex is too short, Nick is “super weird,” “they’re all like kids,” and only he is the man. JoJo slowly realizes that Chad is “overcompensating for something.” Instead of asking him what kind of car he drives, JoJo holds his hand while he talks about how his mother passed away just six months ago and that he hasn’t had time to date in four years. Then she makes out with him. The rose goes to James Taylor, though, which makes Chad shoot murderous looks in his direction. (He’ll probably burn James’s guitar in the fire pit outside the mansion later.)

The Cocktail Party: In a move straight out of the Courtney Robertson playbook, Chad decides to ambush JoJo outside the mansion. He takes her for a little walk and kiss before the party, JoJo, who is so innocent, is confused by his sudden appearance, but goes with it. When Chad walks in with JoJo the men focus their eye lasers on him. You would think they were angry about his few extra minutes with JoJo, but they were actually just ogling his meat. No, really, he has eaten about 17 plates of meat and no one can stop staring at him shovel in the protein. Chad promises to keep being himself, much to the producers delight. He interrupts Alex’s alone time with JoJo. The men decide to do something about it. They confront Chad while he’s eating (again!) who tells them the obvious — he’s here for JoJo, not them. Chad continues to be Chad and goes to interrupt Jo Jo’s alone time with the Erectile Dysfunction Specialist. That’s when Alex the Marine decides to confront Chad about his disrespect, which goes about as well as you would expect.

The Rose Ceremony: Going into the ceremony, Wells, Derek and James Taylor have their rose and Chad has another plate of food (really!). The first rose goes to Alex the Marine, Christian (“Another short guy”), Robby, Luke, Chase, Jordan, Grant the firefighter, Ali, Damn Daniel, James F., Nick, Vinny, and finally the Erectile Dysfunction Specialist. The last rose goes to …A Chad, because why would the producers let the best narrator since Carly the Cruise Ship Singer was kicked off The Cruise

Coming Soon: A two-night special with a hot tub, bloody knuckles, a convertible and a whole lotta Chad.

 

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