--- title: How Emotionally Intelligent People Deal with Conflict description: Emotionally intelligent people are self-aware and choose not to react in an impulsive manner. canonical: https://time.com/4323879/emotionally-intelligent-conflict-response/ author: TIME article:opinion: false article:content_tier: free article:published_time: 2016-05-11T12:30:55.000Z article:modified_time: 2026-04-13T09:02:26.802Z og:title: How Emotionally Intelligent People Respond to Conflict og:description: They defuse conflict og:url: https://time.com/4323879/emotionally-intelligent-conflict-response/ og:site_name: TIME og:image: https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/blt3599acfec5a605f8/69887b49524fc03cb2df6855/boxing-glove-body-image-fitness-health-strength-success.jpg?branch=production&width=1200&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=16:9 og:image:width: 2500 og:image:height: 1406 og:image:alt: boxing-glove-body-image-fitness-health-strength-success-motto-stock og:type: article twitter:card: summary_large_image twitter:title: How Emotionally Intelligent People Respond to Conflict twitter:description: They defuse conflict twitter:image: https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/blt3599acfec5a605f8/69887b49524fc03cb2df6855/boxing-glove-body-image-fitness-health-strength-success.jpg?branch=production&width=1200&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=16:9 ---  # How Emotionally Intelligent People Respond to Conflict > Sponsored content. 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In the Loop is TIME's AI newsletter, built on original reporting and access to the people building and governing AI. It publishes Tuesdays and Fridays and is free at time.com/newsletters. #### Who writes TIME's In the Loop? Harry Booth, a tech reporter at TIME, writes In the Loop. #### Is In the Loop free? Yes. In the Loop is free at time.com/newsletters. by [Marcel Schwantes / Inc.](https://time.com/author/inc/) ## Marcel Schwantes / Inc. May 11, 2016 12:30 PM UTC  Peechaya Burroughs for TIME by [Marcel Schwantes / Inc.](https://time.com/author/inc/) ## Marcel Schwantes / Inc. May 11, 2016 12:30 PM UTC [Anxiety](http://inc.com/marcel-schwantes/youre-going-to-run-into-anxiety-and-burnout-here-are-7-strategies-to-cope-with-i.html), stress, disappointment, [conflict](http://www.inc.com/sylvia-lafair/5-tips-for-leaders-to-harness-conflict-and-communicate-calmly.html), betrayal. If you’re human, you have probably experienced these things—in relation to other humans. It’s no different in the workplace. We’re all in some sort of relationship with someone—peers, direct reports, vendors, customers, investors and other stakeholders. Buttons will be pushed. [Drama](http://inc.com/marcel-schwantes/5-sure-signs-that-you-work-in-a-toxic-office.html) is bound to happen. I’ve seen it especially during tight deadlines, or when two parties have opposing agendas coupled with equally opposing personalities. So what do we do when other people push our buttons and we sense we’re about to “go postal”? Well, there are two paths we can take: We can choose to _react_ or _respond._ **Choosing to React (Not Recommended)**In a previous company, I vividly recall an executive marching down the hall spewing expletives on his way to wage war with a middle manager. An ongoing issue boiled over, and this exec just lost it. The commotion left some people very uncomfortable. As leaders, when we react in such a manner (as this[ highly-publicized corporate exec did](http://www.inc.com/marcel-schwantes/this-human-emotion-can-break-you-7-strategies-to-master-it.html)), we are being impulsive, shortsighted and usually not giving much thought to what we are doing. It usually happens when you don’t get something you want, or react on impulse to an unresolved issue. Or maybe out of fear of something. Then, “fight, flight or freeze” takes over. You may end up domineering or withdrawing, clouding your thinking and judgment in the process. In a communication exchange, this can easily escalate when the other person also reacts without thinking first, turning a conversation into a heated argument or leading to passive-aggressive behavior like backstabbing or gossiping. Yikes. **_Read more:_** [_5 Things That Good Leaders Always Do_](http://www.inc.com/peter-economy/5-things-that-good-leaders-always-do.html?cid=sy304time) **Choosing to Respond (Highly Recommended)**But by responding, rather than reacting, we create space to consider the situation and decide the best approach to handle things. Responding consists of three things: * patience * humility * self-awareness **Patience**We use this leadership virtue to our advantage to assess a situation, get perspective,[listen without judgment](http://inc.com/marcel-schwantes/the-hidden-power-of-this-forgotten-leadership-skill.html), process, and hold back from reacting head on. It’s the decision to sit on your decision. By thinking it over rationally, you’ll eventually arrive at other, more sane conclusions. While patience may be bitter, its fruit is oh-so-sweet. **_Read more:_** [_How to Be Happy: 10 Science-Backed Ways to Become a Happier Person_](http://www.inc.com/jessica-stillman/how-to-be-happy-10-science-backed-ways-to-become-a-happier-person.html?cid=sy304time) **Humility**We avoid the temptation of reacting from our bruised egos with a sarcastic comeback, put down, or stomping on the warpath for revenge. We draw instead from our inner strength, trusting in the moment to a different, better, outcome. **Self-Awareness**We look at the whole picture, and both sides of the issue. We tap into our feelings and those of others to choose a different outcome, like a compassionate response to solving an interpersonal problem. Daniel Goleman, the [emotional intelligence](http://inc.com/marcel-schwantes/15-websites-that-will-make-your-emotional-intelligence-better.html) guru, says, --- > “” --- **_Read more:_** [_9 Motivational Videos to Help You Succeed in Business and Life_](http://www.inc.com/minda-zetlin/9-motivational-videos-to-help-you-succeed-in-business-and-life.html?cid=sy304time) **Diffusing Conflict With a Compassionate Response**The next time someone flies off the handle on you, here’s a way to positively blow that person away with your response. Try asking, “Are you OK? What’s going on?” Then…just…[listen](http://inc.com/marcel-schwantes/the-hidden-power-of-this-forgotten-leadership-skill.html). What comes next may surprise you. You will most likely open up the door for the other person to explain the issue behind the issue. Now you have arrived at another great opportunity: to diffuse a situation through open discourse. What responses have worked well for you when dealing with conflict? Comment below or look me up on Twitter. _This post is in partnership with Inc., which offers useful advice, resources and insights to entrepreneurs and business owners. The_ [_article_](http://www.inc.com/marcel-schwantes/two-ways-to-deal-with-people-who-tick-you-off-one-works-every-time.html?cid=sy304time) _above was originally published at_ [_Inc.com_](http://www.inc.com)_._ ```json [{"@context":"https://schema.org","@type":"NewsArticle","@id":"https://time.com/4323879/emotionally-intelligent-conflict-response/","mainEntityOfPage":{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https://time.com/4323879/emotionally-intelligent-conflict-response/"},"headline":"How Emotionally Intelligent People Respond to Conflict","datePublished":"2016-05-11T12:30:55.000Z","dateModified":"2026-04-13T09:02:26.802Z","description":"They defuse conflict","url":"https://time.com/4323879/emotionally-intelligent-conflict-response/","keywords":["motto","mindfulness","advice"],"thumbnailUrl":"https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/blt3599acfec5a605f8/69887b49524fc03cb2df6855/boxing-glove-body-image-fitness-health-strength-success.jpg?branch=production&width=1200&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=1200:675&height=675","author":[{"@type":"Person","name":"Marcel Schwantes / Inc."}],"articleSection":"","image":[{"@type":"ImageObject","url":"https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/blt3599acfec5a605f8/69887b49524fc03cb2df6855/boxing-glove-body-image-fitness-health-strength-success.jpg?branch=production&width=1200&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=1200:675&height=675","width":1200,"height":675,"headline":"boxing-glove-body-image-fitness-health-strength-success-motto-stock","caption":"boxing glove body image fitness health strength success motto stock","creditText":"Peechaya Burroughs for TIME","representativeOfPage":true}],"publisher":{"@type":"Organization","name":"Time","url":"https://time.com/","logo":{"@type":"ImageObject","url":"https://time.com/images/logo.png","width":528,"height":156},"foundingDate":"March 3, 1923","sameAs":["https://www.facebook.com/time","https://www.instagram.com/time/?hl=en","https://twitter.com/time","https://www.pinterest.com/timemagazine"]}},{"@context":"https://schema.org","@type":"BreadcrumbList","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"item":{"@id":"/tag/motto/","name":"motto"}},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"item":{"@id":"https://time.com/4323879/emotionally-intelligent-conflict-response/","name":"How Emotionally Intelligent People Respond to Conflict"}}]}] ```