--- title: How to Talk to Your Kids About Porn description: They're growing up in a much more X-rated universe than their parents did canonical: https://time.com/4277188/how-to-talk-to-your-kids-about-porn/ author: Harold Koplewicz article:opinion: true article:content_tier: free article:published_time: 2016-03-31T11:01:55.000Z article:modified_time: 2026-08-04T07:45:09.999Z article:section: Ideas og:title: How to Talk to Your Kids About Porn og:description: They're growing up in a much more X-rated universe than their parents did og:url: https://time.com/4277188/how-to-talk-to-your-kids-about-porn/ og:site_name: TIME og:image: https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/blt76991654a1582d46/69888d1d196cf4450803af95/gettyimages-200565495-001.jpg?branch=production&width=1200&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=16:9 og:image:width: 3550 og:image:height: 1997 og:image:alt: 200565495-001 og:type: article twitter:card: summary_large_image twitter:title: How to Talk to Your Kids About Porn twitter:description: They're growing up in a much more X-rated universe than their parents did twitter:image: https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/blt76991654a1582d46/69888d1d196cf4450803af95/gettyimages-200565495-001.jpg?branch=production&width=1200&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=16:9 video:duration: 03:13 video:published: 2014-08-20 section: health topics: sex therapy, Masters and Johnson, sexual intimacy, orgasm, masturbation, casual sex, technology and relationships, lack of desire, sexual health history genre: interview, documentary tones: reflective, candid, warm, thoughtful emotions: nostalgia (medium), concern (medium), warmth (medium) sentiment: neutral audience: adults interested in relationships, readers of health and wellness content, people curious about sexual health, couples people: Shirley Zussman, Masters and Johnson products: iPhone content_suitability: sexual content [00:00-03:13] transcript_source: publisher captions transcript_reviewed: not applicable ---  # How to Talk to Your Kids About Porn > Sponsored content. 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Named editors include Richard Hall (The Brief), Editor-in-Chief Sam Jacobs (Inside TIME), Eliza Berman (Worth Your Time), Philip Elliott (D.C. Brief), Justin Worland (Future Proof) and Harry Booth (In the Loop). Health Matters is written by TIME's health desk. #### How do I sign up for a TIME newsletter? Go to time.com/newsletters, choose the newsletters you want and enter your email address. There is no cost and no subscription requirement. ### Sources * TIME Newsletters: [time.com/newsletters](/c/time-nl-network-2026q3/newsletters?i=3dc80c97-39fc-4695-9c59-2e9e9845155e&cr=time-nl-network-2026q3-v1) ## Video: A 100-Year-Old Sex Therapist on Having Good Sex, Then and Now [Watch (HLS stream): A 100-Year-Old Sex Therapist on Having Good Sex, Then and Now](https://cdn.jwplayer.com/manifests/uJFYIrvP.m3u8) (3:13)  _Published 2014-08-20. A practicing sex therapist in New York City, Dr. Shirley Zussman has witnessed everything from the legalization of the contraceptive birth control pill to the AIDs epidemic in the 1980s to the rise of internet porn in the new millenium._ Description, summary, key points, chapters, key quotes, questions and transcript, where present, were produced automatically from the video or its captions and were not reviewed. ## Summary Sex therapist Shirley Zussman, who has recently turned 100, describes her career beginning with a 1966 lecture by Masters and Johnson and the training she sought afterward. She explains how patients' concerns, such as learning to reach orgasm, have changed over time. She then contrasts past casual sex with today's reduced physical connection, citing iPhones, and names lack of desire as the most common problem she sees now. ## Key points - Shirley Zussman says she has reached 100 years of age and is still a practicing sex therapist. (00:23) - Zussman and her husband attended a 1966 lecture in New Jersey given by Masters and Johnson, whose work was little known at the time. (00:32) - Zussman describes Masters and Johnson's work as showing that good sexual experience requires learning to be a good partner and enduring pleasure for each other. (01:05) - In the early days, women most often came to the clinic because they wanted to achieve orgasm but did not know how. (01:33) - Masters and Johnson offered a relatively simple approach: learn about your own body and what makes you feel good, including through masturbation. (01:51) - Zussman says casual sex in the 1960s was not just casual but frantic. (02:12) - Zussman says she is shocked at the lack of connection between people today, pointing to iPhones and reduced touching, talking, holding and looking. (02:21) - Zussman says the most common problem in her practice today is a lack of desire, and advises people to examine their priorities. (02:43) ## Chapters - [00:00 to 00:23] Intimacy beyond sexual pleasure. Zussman opens by saying partners want intimacy, closeness, understanding, comfort, fun and care beyond sex. - [00:23 to 01:05] Introduction and Masters and Johnson lecture. Zussman introduces herself and recounts attending a 1966 lecture by Masters and Johnson and the training that followed. - [01:05 to 01:51] Early patients and learning to be partners. Zussman describes the early clinic's patients, mostly women seeking orgasm, and the emphasis on partnership and self-knowledge. - [01:51 to 02:12] Learning about your body. Zussman explains the encouragement of self-exploration and masturbation to learn what feels good. - [02:12 to 02:43] Changes in casual sex and connection. Zussman compares casual sex in the 1960s with today and laments reduced physical connection. - [02:43 to 03:13] Lack of desire and priorities. Zussman identifies lack of desire as the most common problem and urges people to set priorities that fill a need for closeness. ## Key quotes - [00:00] Shirley Zussman: "They want intimacy, they want closeness, they want understanding, they want comfort, they want fun" - [01:05] Shirley Zussman: "One had to almost had to learn how to be a good partner and to endure the pleasure not only for yourself but for each other." - [02:21] Shirley Zussman: "I'm shocked at the lack of connection with people; because of iPhones, even I love my iPhone." - [02:43] Shirley Zussman: "the most common problem, I would say, in the sex therapy that I live in, is a lack of desire." - [03:03] Shirley Zussman: "to establish something that is gratifying that really fills a need that we all have to be close to somebody." ## Questions this video answers - What do people want from each other beyond sexual pleasure? [00:00] - How did Masters and Johnson's work first come to Shirley Zussman's attention? [00:23] - What did women most often seek help for when they first came to the clinic? [01:33] - How does Zussman describe casual sex in the 1960s compared with today? [02:12] - What is the most common problem Zussman sees in her sex therapy practice? [02:43] ## Content suitability - sexual content [00:00-03:13]: The video discusses sex, sexual pleasure, orgasm and masturbation in a clinical, non-explicit way.  by [Harold Koplewicz](https://time.com/author/harold-koplewicz/)  ## Harold Koplewicz Mar 31, 2016 11:01 AM UTC  Teenage girl (14-15) using computer, rear view Teenage girl (14-15) using computer, rear view Dana Neely—Getty Images  by [Harold Koplewicz](https://time.com/author/harold-koplewicz/)  ## Harold Koplewicz Mar 31, 2016 11:01 AM UTC Pornography is everywhere. We’re past the relative innocence of boys discovering Dad’s stash of _Playboy_ in the back of the closet. Even hardcore porn has become ubiquitous. TIME’s April 11 cover story is about young men who are reporting serious consequences from watching a lot of pornography in their youth. It’s important to let your kids know that you are aware that explicit videos are almost unavoidable, and that you’re comfortable talking about it—even if you don’t feel so comfortable. Interest in sex and sexual imagery is completely normal, so the biggest thing for parents to remember is to approach the issue in a non-judgmental way. You should offer to answer any question, however embarrassing. You don’t want them to be ashamed of their curiosity, or to feel so guilty it interferes with developing a healthy sexual identity. However! Porn is often so unrealistic—a literal “perversion” of real human interactions—that it can endanger kids’ ability to have a healthy relationship with their body and with sexual partners. Parents need to be the reality check. Here are some points for “the talk.” * **Start simply**: “I’m pretty sure you have looked at pornography. I’m not upset. But I really have to share some facts with you.” * **Porn stars aren’t meant to look real:** Many of those bodies are surgically and hormonally enhanced, and further exaggerated by the way they’re photographed. No one should expect to look that way — or for other people to look that way. * **Porn sex isn’t real, either:** In the real world, people don’t relate to each other this way. They have complex needs, and sex is usually just one part of their relationship. Real people don’t have intercourse for hours at a time, and they don’t always use the language and have the attitude towards each other that are common in porn films. * **Real sex comes with emotions:** Feelings are intentionally absent from most porn. And sex depends on constant communication — about the wants and needs of your partner and yourself, and about consent. Sexually responsible individuals obtain consent before engaging in sexual activity, and recognize it’s also essential to keep communicating throughout sexual activity. It’s vital that partners are on the same page, which means verbal consent must be obtained as the activity moves on to different phases. Real communication has no place in porn, and so porn is not a teaching guide for how to interact sexually and emotionally with others. * **Start simply**: “I’m pretty sure you have looked at pornography. I’m not upset. But I really have to share some facts with you.” * **Porn stars aren’t meant to look real:** Many of those bodies are surgically and hormonally enhanced, and further exaggerated by the way they’re photographed. No one should expect to look that way — or for other people to look that way. * **Porn sex isn’t real, either:** In the real world, people don’t relate to each other this way. They have complex needs, and sex is usually just one part of their relationship. Real people don’t have intercourse for hours at a time, and they don’t always use the language and have the attitude towards each other that are common in porn films. * **Real sex comes with emotions:** Feelings are intentionally absent from most porn. And sex depends on constant communication — about the wants and needs of your partner and yourself, and about consent. Sexually responsible individuals obtain consent before engaging in sexual activity, and recognize it’s also essential to keep communicating throughout sexual activity. It’s vital that partners are on the same page, which means verbal consent must be obtained as the activity moves on to different phases. Real communication has no place in porn, and so porn is not a teaching guide for how to interact sexually and emotionally with others. Young men who’ve become obsessed with porn report serious problems with their romantic lives. If what turns them on becomes divorced from what is available in the real world, they can find themselves in trouble — as can their partners. And emerging research into the biological effects of heavy pornography use suggest it may be tied to brain changes associated with impulsivity and an inability to delay gratification — alarmingly similar to what happens in drug addiction. Daughters, who typically consume less porn but are just as affected by its prevalence, might need some specific information. * **Consent:** It isn’t just about protecting herself; she can initiate and agree to sexual activity. But it also means she can say no to a specific sexual activity and yes to others, and most importantly she can change her mind and say yes and then no; and that in real life no means no. The pornographic fantasy of domineering men and submissive women is not helpful for the development of a girl’s healthy sexual self-esteem. * **Not everyone is like that:** Not all guys have “bought in” to the ideas about sex in most pornography. Porn may be everywhere, but her values and confidence and individuality are still important. * **Learn your own boundaries:** There can be a lot of pressure in male/female relationships and it’s important for parents to have an open dialogue with their daughters to help them learn their own boundaries, understand how they want to make decisions and know what they want from romantic relationships. That dialogue is too important to leave to pornography You need to let them know that an interest in pornography is natural, but that the greater enjoyment will be good sex and healthy relationships in the real world. We’re fortunate that we don’t live in the days when seeking out pornography was a seedy, if not dangerous, thing to do. But now that porn is coming into our homes, parents need to be responsible for educating their sons and daughters in parallel to this influence. Porn makes sex a fantasy, which can be O.K. You need to teach your son that sex is also normal, real, and it takes some work. And that’s what makes it special. ## Transcript [00:00] Sexual pleasure is only one part of what men and [00:03] women want from each other. They want intimacy, they [00:07] want closeness, they want understanding, they want [00:10] comfort, they want fun, and they want somebody who [00:14] really cares about them beyond going to bed with [00:16] them, and I think people are always seeking that. In [00:20] every generation. [ MUSIC ] [00:23] My name is Shirley Zussman. I just reached a hundred [00:27] years of age, and I am a practicing [00:32] sex therapist. I was invited with my husband [00:36] to a lecture in New Jersey, in 1966. Masters [00:41] and Johnson were the speakers. No body knew about [00:43] them. Human sexual response had just been [00:46] published, what I saw was a couple [00:51] who will say that people had problems in an area [00:55] in their lives that was very important and they were [00:58] recognizing that it was all not just. Glamorous and [01:01] wonderful to be sexual. One had to almost had to [01:05] learn how to be a good partner and to endure the [01:08] pleasure not only for yourself but for each other. And I [01:11] thought we can do that. Why can't we do that? And we [01:15] applied for training with Masters and Johnson at that [01:17] time. The patients that came to us were people who [01:21] read the paper. The only way they do anything about [01:25] the work that was being done there. And the problems [01:28] they came with, was somewhat different than the [01:30] problems they come with today. Mostly, women came [01:33] because would put out orgasmic, they didn't know how [01:36] to achieve an orgasm, but they wanted one. It [01:40] was so over that ,. Goal they had for themselves and [01:43] how do I get there. That was one Masters and [01:47] Johnson's contribution that there was a relatively [01:51] simple way to start learning about your body. In [01:55] other words, get, get to know your, who you are [01:58] sexually and physically and that was. And [02:03] encouragement for masturbation for learning what [02:06] makes you feel good. I [02:12] see a big change in the we view casual sex. [02:17] In the 60's I think it was not just casual it was frantic. [02:21] I'm shocked at the lack of connection with people; [02:25] because of iPhones, even I love my iPhone. There [02:30] is so much less actual physical connection, there's [02:34] less touching, there's less talking, there's less holding, [02:38] there's less looking, [ INAUDIBLE ]. People get pleasure [02:41] from looking at each other. But the most common [02:43] problem, I would say, in the sex therapy [02:49] that I live in, is a lack of desire. You have to look [02:53] at your priorities. You have to decide what is important [02:57] to make you feel good about yourself and your life. [02:59] And to help make your partner feel good and to [03:03] establish something that is gratifying that really fills [03:07] a need that we all have to be close to somebody. ```json [{"@context":"https://schema.org","@type":"OpinionNewsArticle","@id":"https://time.com/4277188/how-to-talk-to-your-kids-about-porn/","mainEntityOfPage":{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https://time.com/4277188/how-to-talk-to-your-kids-about-porn/"},"headline":"How to Talk to Your Kids About Porn","datePublished":"2016-03-31T11:01:55.000Z","dateModified":"2026-08-04T07:45:09.999Z","description":"They're growing up in a much more X-rated universe than their parents did","url":"https://time.com/4277188/how-to-talk-to-your-kids-about-porn/","keywords":["Parenting","Living","Porn","communication"],"thumbnailUrl":"https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/blt76991654a1582d46/69888d1d196cf4450803af95/gettyimages-200565495-001.jpg?branch=production&width=1200&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=1200:675&height=675","author":[{"@type":"Person","name":"Harold Koplewicz","jobTitle":null,"url":"https://time.com/author/harold-koplewicz/"}],"articleSection":"Ideas","image":[{"@type":"ImageObject","url":"https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/blt76991654a1582d46/69888d1d196cf4450803af95/gettyimages-200565495-001.jpg?branch=production&width=1200&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=1200:675&height=675","width":1200,"height":675,"headline":"200565495-001","caption":"200565495-001","creditText":"Dana Neely—Getty Images","representativeOfPage":true}],"publisher":{"@type":"Organization","name":"Time","url":"https://time.com/","logo":{"@type":"ImageObject","url":"https://time.com/images/logo.png","width":528,"height":156},"foundingDate":"March 3, 1923","sameAs":["https://www.facebook.com/time","https://www.instagram.com/time/?hl=en","https://twitter.com/time","https://www.pinterest.com/timemagazine"]}},{"@context":"https://schema.org","@type":"BreadcrumbList","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"item":{"@id":"https://time.com/section/ideas/","name":"Ideas"}},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"item":{"@id":"https://time.com/tag/parenting/","name":"Parenting"}},{"@type":"ListItem","position":3,"item":{"@id":"https://time.com/4277188/how-to-talk-to-your-kids-about-porn/","name":"How to Talk to Your Kids About Porn"}}]},{"@context":"https://schema.org","@type":"VideoObject","name":"A 100-Year-Old Sex Therapist on Having Good Sex, Then and Now","description":"A practicing sex therapist in New York City, Dr. Shirley Zussman has witnessed everything from the legalization of the contraceptive birth control pill to the AIDs epidemic in the 1980s to the rise of internet porn in the new millenium.","thumbnailUrl":"https://cdn.jwplayer.com/v2/media/uJFYIrvP/poster.jpg?width=720","uploadDate":"2014-08-20T13:40:15.000Z","contentUrl":"https://cdn.jwplayer.com/manifests/uJFYIrvP.m3u8","embedUrl":"https://time.com/4277188/how-to-talk-to-your-kids-about-porn/","duration":"PT3M13S","potentialAction":{"@type":"SeekToAction","target":"https://time.com/4277188/how-to-talk-to-your-kids-about-porn/?jw_start={seek_to_second_number}","startOffset-input":"required name=seek_to_second_number"}}] ```