--- description: Start by getting human nature right. title: How to Improve Your Relationships With Others image: https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/blt39e8c0e5759d0902/698879b7cd1bba1eb26ff034/paper-dolls-holding-hands.jpg?branch=production&width=3840&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=16:9 ---  * [Ideas](/section/ideas/) ## Ideas Update your preferences in [Account Settings](/account/preferences/) Close * [Psychology](/tag/psychology/) ## Psychology Update your preferences in [Account Settings](/account/preferences/) Close # How to Improve Your Relationships With Others ## Video: What One Woman Learned From Taking a Year Off From Her Marriage [Watch (HLS stream): What One Woman Learned From Taking a Year Off From Her Marriage](https://cdn.jwplayer.com/manifests/B3QCkNPd.m3u8) (3:53)  _Published 2015-04-01. Robin Rinaldi did what many women dream of but few actually do: she took a year off from her marriage, made an agreement with her husband that they would both sleep with other people for a set period of time, and threw caution to the wind._ by [Shane Parrish](/author/shane-parrish/) ## Shane Parrish Update your preferences in [Account Settings](/account/preferences/) Close Jan 21, 2016 5:01 AM CUT  Paper Dolls Horizontal Paper Dolls HorizontalGetty Images by [Shane Parrish](/author/shane-parrish/) ## Shane Parrish Update your preferences in [Account Settings](/account/preferences/) Close Jan 21, 2016 5:01 AM CUT Most of us periodically struggle to manage our relationships, whether we’re trying to manage a company, a team, a marriage, or a friendship. The problem is that we’re often fighting, rather than riding, the tremendous current of human nature. And when we fight a tide we could be riding, we do ourselves a great disservice. There are two possible causes of our struggle to act in harmony with the way people really are: 1. We don’t understand human nature well enough, or 2. We understand human nature well, but aren’t living in harmony with it. The first one is addressable. Studying great practical philosophers is one step. [Aristotle](https://www.farnamstreetblog.com/2013/01/what-aristotle-and-joshua-bell-can-teach-us-about-persuasion/ "undefined"), [Montaigne](https://www.farnamstreetblog.com/2013/09/michel-de-montaigne/ "undefined"), [Marcus Aurelius](https://www.farnamstreetblog.com/2013/10/marcus-aurelius-how-to-act/ "undefined"), [Seneca](https://www.farnamstreetblog.com/2015/12/two-sides-of-seneca/ "undefined"), and [Munger](https://www.farnamstreetblog.com/2015/09/munger-worldly-wisdom/ "undefined") are just a few of our favorites. Much has been written about human nature. The [great classics of literature](https://www.farnamstreetblog.com/2013/10/great-books/ "undefined") are really all about human nature. Great biographical works give us tremendous understanding of people if we are willing to read them and understand them. Even Seinfeld wasn’t really a [show about nothing](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jUWiv5r%5FCZw "undefined"), but about how silly our behavior is around one another. Studying evolutionary biology, a more modern development, is the other place to go. The biologists have done a good job explaining where we come from and what’s sitting there in our DNA. We get a lot of that by studying our evolutionary ancestors and cousins — the members of the animal kingdom. Chimps [go to war](http://content.time.com/time/health/article/0,8599,1998285,00.html "undefined"). Bonobos have [non-procreative sex](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1592406343/ref=as%5Fli%5Fqf%5Fsp%5Fasin%5Fil%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=1592406343&linkCode=as2&tag=farnamstreet-20&linkId=DO2B54GXY5I2SHVP "undefined"), just like we do. [Ants organize](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/039333970X/ref=as%5Fli%5Fqf%5Fsp%5Fasin%5Fil%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=039333970X&linkCode=as2&tag=farnamstreet-20&linkId=7PGJ5SXJEDZAOV3N "undefined") towards a common goal. We can derive a lot of knowledge about ourselves by asking how we’re similar _and_ dissimilar to our “family tree.” The second cause of our lack of congruence with human nature is tougher to solve for most. Are we _aware_ of human nature but not executing on what we know? You might call this an _Intention-Execution Gap_. We know what to do, we just don’t have the discipline to do it. Success would mean closing that gap, probably through a great deal of [self-criticism](https://www.farnamstreetblog.com/2015/03/charlie-munger-academic-economics/ "undefined") and working on our emotional discipline. A [wonderful Edge talk](https://edge.org/conversation/helena%5Fcronin-getting-human-nature-right "undefined") with Darwinian philosopher **Helena Cronin** has a telling excerpt on the topic: --- > “” --- Munger has [echoed this in the past](https://www.farnamstreetblog.com/2014/01/why-great-partnerships-succeed/ "undefined"), arguing that the way to have a happy partnership is to be a great partner. Buffett has echoed the same: Marrying with the intention of changing the other person is insane. Better to marry right with the intention to _change yourself._ Learn to be a better partner and create a better environment for the relationship to succeed. How do you think a manager operating in a business environment as awful as _steel production_ [was able to do it](https://www.farnamstreetblog.com/2016/01/ken-iverson-nucor/ "undefined")? He understood human nature and acted in accordance. \*\*\* Who else understood human nature pretty well? **Machiavelli**. Quite possible the most talked about, least actually read practical philosopher of all time. For an example, [here he is discussing](http://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/1232?msg=welcome%5Fstranger "undefined") why hiring mercenary soldiers was such a poor choice for 16th century Italy: --- > “” --- Isn’t that a pretty simple idea, in accordance with our nature? Incentives drive behavior. And of course we see, with insights like that, [_The Prince_](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0486272745/ref=as%5Fli%5Fqf%5Fsp%5Fasin%5Fil%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=0486272745&linkCode=as2&tag=farnamstreet-20&linkId=MSVILL6ZDBFTHOX4 "undefined") has held up pretty well. \*\*\* The modern book on dealing with others is Dale Carnegie’s [_How to Win Friends and Influence People_](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0671027034/ref=as%5Fli%5Fqf%5Fsp%5Fasin%5Fil%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=0671027034&linkCode=as2&tag=farnamstreet-20&linkId=LYLD4CHMOCXMJJKM "undefined"). It’s so popular, and so “out of date” that it’s easy to dismiss. But Carnegie, like [Robin Dreeke](https://www.farnamstreetblog.com/2014/01/robin-dreeke-interview-no-5/ "undefined"), hit on some deep insights about human nature that, if taken seriously, really work. Like understanding others’ incentives: --- > “” --- Again, Carnegie’s wisdom is simple, but absolutely correct. (Another reminder that greats succeed by [exploiting unrecognized simplicity](https://www.farnamstreetblog.com/2016/01/andy-benoit-unrecognized-simplicity/ "undefined").) We are all the protagonists of our own story, aren’t we? And yet, how often do we forget that as we go about our relations with others? Ben Franklin phrased it famously by saying _“If you wish to persuade, appeal to interest, rather than reason.”_ All that Carnegie and Franklin are doing is recognizing people for what they are, and living in harmony with that reality. When we do so, we go a long way towards well-deserved success. Failing here costs us greatly. So resolve this year, and all of the rest of your years, to come to a better understand of the way _people really are_ and to start living in accordance with it. **_This piece originally appeared on_** [**_Farnam Street_**](https://www.farnamstreetblog.com/2016/01/human-nature-relatiionships/ "undefined")**_._** **Join over 60,000 readers and get a free weekly update via email** [**here**](http://www.farnamstreetblog.com/newsletter/ "undefined")**.** ```json [{"@context":"https://schema.org","@type":"OpinionNewsArticle","@id":"https://time.com/4186660/relationship-human-nature/","mainEntityOfPage":{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https://time.com/4186660/relationship-human-nature/"},"headline":"How to Improve Your Relationships With Others","datePublished":"2016-01-21T05:01:20.000Z","dateModified":"2026-03-31T09:07:30.966Z","description":"Start by getting human nature right.","url":"https://time.com/4186660/relationship-human-nature/","keywords":["Psychology","relationships","advice","Philosophy"],"thumbnailUrl":"https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/blt39e8c0e5759d0902/698879b7cd1bba1eb26ff034/paper-dolls-holding-hands.jpg?branch=production&width=1200&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=1200:675&height=675","author":[{"@type":"Person","name":"Shane Parrish","jobTitle":"","url":"https://time.com/author/shane-parrish/"}],"articleSection":"Ideas","image":[{"@type":"ImageObject","url":"https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/blt39e8c0e5759d0902/698879b7cd1bba1eb26ff034/paper-dolls-holding-hands.jpg?branch=production&width=1200&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=1200:675&height=675","width":1200,"height":675,"headline":"paper-dolls-holding-hands","caption":"paper-dolls-holding-hands","creditText":"Getty Images","representativeOfPage":true}],"publisher":{"@type":"Organization","name":"Time","url":"https://time.com/","logo":{"@type":"ImageObject","url":"https://time.com/images/logo.png","width":528,"height":156},"foundingDate":"March 3, 1923","sameAs":["https://www.facebook.com/time","https://www.instagram.com/time/?hl=en","https://twitter.com/time","https://www.pinterest.com/timemagazine"]}},{"@context":"https://schema.org","@type":"BreadcrumbList","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"item":{"@id":"/section/ideas/","name":"Ideas"}},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"item":{"@id":"/tag/psychology/","name":"Psychology"}},{"@type":"ListItem","position":3,"item":{"@id":"https://time.com/4186660/relationship-human-nature/","name":"How to Improve Your Relationships With Others"}}]},{"@context":"https://schema.org","@type":"VideoObject","name":"Tony Robbins: How to be a better person","description":"Tony Robbins talks about his 37-year long career as a life coach.","thumbnailUrl":"https://cdn.jwplayer.com/v2/media/pwTCW5Bo/poster.jpg?width=720","uploadDate":"2015-03-11T15:52:35.000Z","contentUrl":"https://cdn.jwplayer.com/manifests/pwTCW5Bo.m3u8","embedUrl":"https://time.com/4186660/relationship-human-nature/","duration":"PT1M30S","potentialAction":{"@type":"SeekToAction","target":"https://time.com/4186660/relationship-human-nature/?jw_start={seek_to_second_number}","startOffset-input":"required name=seek_to_second_number"}},{"@context":"https://schema.org","@type":"VideoObject","name":"What One Woman Learned From Taking a Year Off From Her Marriage","description":"Robin Rinaldi did what many women dream of but few actually do: she took a year off from her marriage, made an agreement with her husband that they would both sleep with other people for a set period of time, and threw caution to the wind.","thumbnailUrl":"https://cdn.jwplayer.com/v2/media/B3QCkNPd/poster.jpg?width=720","uploadDate":"2015-04-01T13:42:10.000Z","contentUrl":"https://cdn.jwplayer.com/manifests/B3QCkNPd.m3u8","embedUrl":"https://time.com/4186660/relationship-human-nature/","duration":"PT3M53S","potentialAction":{"@type":"SeekToAction","target":"https://time.com/4186660/relationship-human-nature/?jw_start={seek_to_second_number}","startOffset-input":"required name=seek_to_second_number"}}] ```