--- ---  # How to Be Charming: 2 Secrets Backed by Research ## Video: Tony Robbins: How to be a better person [Watch (HLS stream): Tony Robbins: How to be a better person](https://cdn.jwplayer.com/manifests/pwTCW5Bo.m3u8) (1:30)  _Published 2015-03-11. Tony Robbins talks about his 37-year long career as a life coach._ by [Eric Barker](https://time.com/author/eric-barker/) ## Eric Barker Jan 5, 2016 5:01 AM UTC  Pot of smiling gingerbread men Pot of smiling gingerbread menGetty Images by [Eric Barker](https://time.com/author/eric-barker/) ## Eric Barker Jan 5, 2016 5:01 AM UTC Want to know how to be charming? Ask yourself: What do you want in any friend or partner? Someone who is happy for you, wants the best for you and delights in your successes. Right? And research agrees: _Being happy for people during their good times is more important than how we deal with the bad:_ * What really makes couples bond? How they handle [the good times, not the bad](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2012/07/is-it-more-important-for-couples-to-party-lik/). * What about conversations makes people like you? How you [add to their good feelings](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2013/07/conversation-skills/) in an active and constructive way. Now psychology offers plenty of help with learning the things you can do to send signals that you’re thrilled for someone’s success. But there’s one big problem: robotically following a list of behaviors can [cause more issues than it solves](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2014/09/how-to-get-respect/). When I spoke with charisma expert [Olivia Fox Cabane](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2013/03/interview-olivia-teaches-charismatic/), author of [_The Charisma Myth_](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1591844568/ref=as%5Fli%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=1591844568&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20&linkId=ABK4MPE5Y7QVIQH5), she said that trying to manipulate little things like your body language often turns out to be a fool’s errand: --- > “” --- Consciously and deliberately sending off the right signals isn’t the same as _genuinely feeling good for someone_. When I asked her what the solution was [she said](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2013/03/interview-olivia-teaches-charismatic/): --- > “” --- So the best way to come off as really being happy about someone’s achievements is… to really be happy about their achievements. Well, that should be easy. You’re a good person, right? (To learn how to get people to like you, from an FBI behavior expert, click [here](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2014/10/how-to-get-people-to-like-you/).) But then why doesn’t the enthusiasm always leap out of you the way you want it to? Oh, there’s a reason. But you may not like it. Because, young Jedi, you have a dark side… **_Eric Barker:_** [_New Harvard Research Reveals A Fun Way To Be More Successful_](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2014/09/be-more-successful/) ## Unpronounceable German Words Are the Enemy Sometimes we aren’t as enthusiastic about others’ good fortune as we’d like to think. Don’t blame yourself. We’re wired that way. There’s this thing called “schadenfreude.” No, I did not make that up. The dictionary definition is “pleasure derived from another person’s misfortune.” Oh, come on, you know what I mean. Somebody, maybe even somebody you love, has something bad happen to them and you feel a slight bit of glee. Maybe you’re (quietly) competitive with them. Humans are very concerned with status. We like to feel like we’re doing well. It helps self-esteem. But it can hurt relationships. From [_The Joy of Pain: Schadenfreude and the Dark Side of Human Nature_](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0199393710/ref=as%5Fli%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=0199393710&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20&linkId=SBDI6LDLRTMA6VXN): --- > “” --- Often we’re unsure of how much we should be achieving or how hard we should be working. So the best way to get an answer is to look around. When we see others not doing as well as we are, sadly, our brains can respond by saying, “That means we must be doing good!” From [_The Joy of Pain: Schadenfreude and the Dark Side of Human Nature_](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0199393710/ref=as%5Fli%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=0199393710&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20&linkId=SBDI6LDLRTMA6VXN): --- > “” --- (To learn the four rituals neuroscience research says will make you happy, click [here](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2015/09/make-you-happy-2/).) Yow. Dark stuff. Don’t worry, there’s good news ahead. But first we need to know: where does this awfulness spring from? **_Eric Barker:_**[_How To Get People To Like You: 7 Ways From An FBI Behavior Expert_](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2014/10/how-to-get-people-to-like-you/) ## The Ol’ Green Eyed Monster Yup, envy. It’s one of the [seven deadly sins](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2012/01/which-of-the-seven-deadly-sins-do-men-and-wom/) for a reason. It’s in the 10 Commandments, too — “don’t covet” etc, etc. (Pretty impressive to make it into two of the most widely read listicles of all time, eh?) I know what some of you are thinking: _Well, I don’t do that. I’m not envious._ Sorry. [Research](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2012/02/is-envy-our-default-setting/) shows envy is pretty much our default state. It takes self-control not to be envious. Again, I hear the voices shouting: _But I’m not envious. Really!_ And the experts reply: you lie to yourself. From [_The Joy of Pain: Schadenfreude and the Dark Side of Human Nature_](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0199393710/ref=as%5Fli%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=0199393710&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20&linkId=SBDI6LDLRTMA6VXN): --- > “” --- Why do we lie to ourselves about feeling envious? It’s simple. Humans are obsessed with status. We always want to know where we stand in the pecking order. If I admit I feel envy, I’m _admitting_ to being lower in status. That would make it hard to get to sleep at night. No, thanks. _Gary, time to start up the rationalizing machine…_ From [_The Joy of Pain: Schadenfreude and the Dark Side of Human Nature_](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0199393710/ref=as%5Fli%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=0199393710&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20&linkId=SBDI6LDLRTMA6VXN): --- > “” --- Neuroscience research shows that envy lights up the same areas as _physical pain_. What happens when you imagine the subject of your envy having problems? That lights up the reward centers of your grey matter. From [_The Joy of Pain: Schadenfreude and the Dark Side of Human Nature_](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0199393710/ref=as%5Fli%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=0199393710&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20&linkId=SBDI6LDLRTMA6VXN): --- > “” --- Want to know how to make any joke funnier? Have something bad happen to someone who is rich. From [_The Joy of Pain: Schadenfreude and the Dark Side of Human Nature_](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0199393710/ref=as%5Fli%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=0199393710&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20&linkId=SBDI6LDLRTMA6VXN): --- > “” --- More screams from the peanut gallery: _Okay, okay, Mr. Science-Man, but I’m not like that with my friends._ You’re _slightly_ better with your pals. But liking doesn’t overcome envy, sadly. From [_The Joy of Pain: Schadenfreude and the Dark Side of Human Nature_](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0199393710/ref=as%5Fli%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=0199393710&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20&linkId=SBDI6LDLRTMA6VXN): --- > “” --- Okay, enough depressing stuff. (We’re going to get you back to the shire, Frodo, I swear.) So if you’re feeling envy inside, little psychology relationship tips may come off as insincere because they’re inconsistent with the other signals you’re sending. How do we beat envy and schadenfreude and actually feel happy for others so we can show people we care — and have them care back? (To learn how to be loved by everyone, click [here](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2015/08/how-to-be-loved/).) Don’t sweat the green-eyed monster, folks. There are answers. Let’s look at 2 ways, both backed by research. One is quite new, the other is a few thousand years old… ## 1) Try “Benign Envy” Not all envy is bad. As science writer [Maria Konnikova](http://www.newyorker.com/science/maria-konnikova/can-envy-be-good-for-you) explains, in many languages they have words for “good” and “bad” envy: --- > “” --- And research backs this up. From [_The Joy of Pain: Schadenfreude and the Dark Side of Human Nature_](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0199393710/ref=as%5Fli%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=0199393710&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20&linkId=SBDI6LDLRTMA6VXN): --- > “” --- There are three distinctions we need to make: * **Admiration** is when somebody has something you want but they’re at a distance. I don’t envy LeBron James. I’m not seven-feet tall. I can’t relate to that. He’s a famous zillionaire? Good for him. * **Bad envy** is when you can relate. You feel frustrated and maybe even angry. And that leads to schadenfreude. And bad things. * **Benign envy** is like bad envy but we know we could get what they have if we tried. So it’s not threatening. It’s a matter of choice. And here’s the fascinating part: while admiration doesn’t hurt, it doesn’t motivate us either. I’m never going to be LeBron James. I’m not even going to try. And that’s okay. But research shows benign envy can give us the kick in the pants [we need to get motivated](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2011/05/what-improves-performance-more-envy-or-admira/). So next time you should feel good for someone but really don’t, ask yourself: _Is this something I could achieve too?_ If it is, it might be a great motivator. And knowing you can get what they have kills the bad feelings. (To learn the secrets to motivating yourself, click [here](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2014/06/how-to-motivate-yourself/).) But what if benign envy doesn’t apply? How do you get rid of bad envy and feel good for those around you? **_Eric Barker:_** [_New Neuroscience Reveals 4 Rituals That Will Make You Happy_](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2015/09/make-you-happy-2/) ## 2) Work That Compassion Muscle Research shows [compassion is contagious](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2011/01/can-compassion-for-one-person-lead-to-compass/). When we feel it toward one person we’ll extend it to others around us even without realizing it. This idea might be new to you and me but Buddhists have known it for over 2000 years. (I’m late to the party on a lot of stuff, frankly. Still not caught up on _Mad Men,_ either.) Buddhists call it “metta” (there’s actually some funky punctuation to it but there’s no way I’m gonna find that on my keyboard so just roll with me here). More commonly it goes by the name “loving-kindness meditation.” Buddhists use it to increase compassion. Here’s the problem: LKM is pretty much the ground zero of self-help corniness. What does Buddhism say are some of the benefits of loving-kindness meditation? Via [_Lovingkindness: The Revolutionary Art of Happiness_](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B005DXOMBW/ref=as%5Fli%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B005DXOMBW&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20&linkId=HVLURWEVHOM42HM5): --- > “” --- My first reaction? _I think we’re done here. Thank you for calling._ But scientists have figured out something about LKM though: [it actually works](http://spl.stanford.edu/pdfs/2008/Hutcherson%20Emotion.pdf). Buddhists: 1, Skeptics: 0. No, you’re not gonna be immune to fire and poison and, no, woodland elves will not build you a treehouse. But as for that compassion part? Yeah, it really does the job. Via [_Real Happiness: The Power of Meditation_](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B004IARYIY/ref=as%5Fli%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B004IARYIY&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20&linkId=N5QLTUXMFUKRMH5C): --- > “” --- And that’s far from one isolated piece of research. A 2012 [Harvard study](http://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2012/11/meditations-positive-residual-effects/) showed: --- > “” --- No, you don’t have to convert to Buddhism or believe in funky celestial beings. It’s an effective secular exercise for your compassion muscle. Now how do we _do_ it? Like I said, the process comes off as way corny — but it makes sense. How do you feel when you think about loved ones? Warm and fuzzy. Why keep pictures of your kids or your partner on your desk or in your wallet? Even more fuzzies. That’s the goal here, really. We want to _broaden the fuzzy_. Fuzzy momentum, if you will. Extend the fuzzy feelings from those you already are compassionate toward to neutral and even to difficult people. The best instructions I’ve found (that have no scientific jargon or mentions of woodland spirits) come from [10% Happier](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00FJ376CS/ref=as%5Fli%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B00FJ376CS&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20&linkId=UIUI325GD2EQO7WB), the great book by [Dan Harris](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2014/08/10-happier/): --- > “” --- Yes, it sounds silly but studies show [it works](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2011/12/is-there-an-easy-way-to-increase-happiness-me/). (And Dan has an iPhone app to help you learn to meditate [here](https://itunes.apple.com/us/app/10-happier-meditation-for/id992210239?mt=8).) Don’t get too worried about details. It’s not a magic spell and this ain’t Hogwarts. You can customize it. The important thing is wishing others well and expanding that feeling from those you feel strongly about to a wider and wider circle of people. And Buddhists tweak LKM to produce the ultimate envy antidote. They call it [Mudita](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mudita). (Don’t worry, I don’t know how to pronounce it correctly either.) Instead of merely wishing people well, take the time to _delight in their success_. (For my interview with Good Morning America anchor and meditation-skeptic-turned-believer Dan Harris, click [here](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2014/08/10-happier/).) Okay, let’s round this up and learn one last thing about envy and good relationships from the most unexpected source imaginable… ## Sum Up So what have we learned: * **Celebrating someone’s good times is the key to connecting with them.** * **Little psychology tips are great but really** **_feeling it_** **can make all the difference.** * **We all get envious and it hurts relationships.** * **Benign envy is about knowing you can achieve what they did. (And it’s a great motivator.)** * **Meditation has been shown to help you be more compassionate and beat envy.** Computers are not known for being good at love, relationships or being charming (sorry, Siri). But they know about envy. And they know it’s not a good idea. Computers were assigned strategies in the famous “[prisoner’s dilemma](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prisoner%27s%5Fdilemma)” and for thousands of rounds they faced each other to see which method led to the most success. When they distilled the learnings from the exercise what was the first insight? [“Don’t be envious.”](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2011/12/can-computers-teach-us-everything-we-need-to/) So, for just a second, forget the little relationship tips and shortcuts. Instead, be the good, sincere person the tips are showing you how to be. And take a little quiet time to wish people the best. It might be the best tip there is. **Join over 230,000 readers. Get a free weekly update via email** [**here**](http://eepurl.com/o6uAD)**.** **_This piece originally appeared on_** [**_Barking Up the Wrong Tree_**](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2015/12/how-to-be-charming/)**_._** How to Be Charming: 2 Secrets Backed By Research ```json [{"@context":"https://schema.org","@type":"OpinionNewsArticle","@id":"https://time.com/4166365/charming-secrets/","mainEntityOfPage":{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https://time.com/4166365/charming-secrets/"},"headline":"How to Be Charming: 2 Secrets Backed by Research","datePublished":"2016-01-05T05:01:58.000Z","dateModified":"2026-03-31T09:02:59.705Z","description":"Try the 'good' envy instead of the 'bad' kind.","url":"https://time.com/4166365/charming-secrets/","keywords":["Psychology"],"thumbnailUrl":"https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/blt928b732fa94fbd2f/6988776ae20a87be26a8ee0d/smiling-cookies.jpg?branch=production&width=1200&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=1200:675&height=675","author":[{"@type":"Person","name":"Eric Barker","jobTitle":null,"url":"https://time.com/author/eric-barker/"}],"articleSection":"Ideas","image":[{"@type":"ImageObject","url":"https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/blt928b732fa94fbd2f/6988776ae20a87be26a8ee0d/smiling-cookies.jpg?branch=production&width=1200&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=1200:675&height=675","width":1200,"height":675,"headline":"Pot of smiling gingerbread men","caption":"Pot of smiling gingerbread men","creditText":"Getty Images","representativeOfPage":true}],"publisher":{"@type":"Organization","name":"Time","url":"https://time.com/","logo":{"@type":"ImageObject","url":"https://time.com/images/logo.png","width":528,"height":156},"foundingDate":"March 3, 1923","sameAs":["https://www.facebook.com/time","https://www.instagram.com/time/?hl=en","https://twitter.com/time","https://www.pinterest.com/timemagazine"]}},{"@context":"https://schema.org","@type":"BreadcrumbList","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"item":{"@id":"/section/ideas/","name":"Ideas"}},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"item":{"@id":"/tag/psychology/","name":"Psychology"}},{"@type":"ListItem","position":3,"item":{"@id":"https://time.com/4166365/charming-secrets/","name":"How to Be Charming: 2 Secrets Backed by Research"}}]},{"@context":"https://schema.org","@type":"VideoObject","name":"Some of The World's Most Powerful Women Share Their Best Advice","description":"","thumbnailUrl":"https://cdn.jwplayer.com/v2/media/LF8Rmcmf/poster.jpg?width=720","uploadDate":"2016-02-02T13:57:47.000Z","contentUrl":"https://cdn.jwplayer.com/manifests/LF8Rmcmf.m3u8","embedUrl":"https://time.com/4166365/charming-secrets/","duration":"PT1M11S","potentialAction":{"@type":"SeekToAction","target":"https://time.com/4166365/charming-secrets/?jw_start={seek_to_second_number}","startOffset-input":"required name=seek_to_second_number"}},{"@context":"https://schema.org","@type":"VideoObject","name":"How to Find Motivation in Music","description":"","thumbnailUrl":"https://cdn.jwplayer.com/v2/media/LCpXYXxf/poster.jpg?width=720","uploadDate":"2016-01-07T18:56:28.000Z","contentUrl":"https://cdn.jwplayer.com/manifests/LCpXYXxf.m3u8","embedUrl":"https://time.com/4166365/charming-secrets/","duration":"PT1M23S","potentialAction":{"@type":"SeekToAction","target":"https://time.com/4166365/charming-secrets/?jw_start={seek_to_second_number}","startOffset-input":"required name=seek_to_second_number"}},{"@context":"https://schema.org","@type":"VideoObject","name":"How Complaining at Work Hurts Your Career","description":"The Science of Motivation: Rick Tamlyn on Complaining at Work","thumbnailUrl":"https://cdn.jwplayer.com/v2/media/BiVS6RWX/poster.jpg?width=720","uploadDate":"2015-08-10T17:52:49.000Z","contentUrl":"https://cdn.jwplayer.com/manifests/BiVS6RWX.m3u8","embedUrl":"https://time.com/4166365/charming-secrets/","duration":"PT2M4S","potentialAction":{"@type":"SeekToAction","target":"https://time.com/4166365/charming-secrets/?jw_start={seek_to_second_number}","startOffset-input":"required name=seek_to_second_number"}},{"@context":"https://schema.org","@type":"VideoObject","name":"Tony Robbins: How to be a better person","description":"Tony Robbins talks about his 37-year long career as a life coach.","thumbnailUrl":"https://cdn.jwplayer.com/v2/media/pwTCW5Bo/poster.jpg?width=720","uploadDate":"2015-03-11T15:52:35.000Z","contentUrl":"https://cdn.jwplayer.com/manifests/pwTCW5Bo.m3u8","embedUrl":"https://time.com/4166365/charming-secrets/","duration":"PT1M30S","potentialAction":{"@type":"SeekToAction","target":"https://time.com/4166365/charming-secrets/?jw_start={seek_to_second_number}","startOffset-input":"required name=seek_to_second_number"}}] ```