Charlie Sheen speaks with Matt Lauer during TODAY show on Nov. 17, 2015.
Peter Kramer—NBC/NBCU Photo Bank via Getty Images

Today has posted Charlie Sheen’s open letter to fans about his HIV status following his interview with Matt Lauer earlier on Tuesday.Among the former Two and a Half Men actor’s revelations:

Sheen’s reaction to the diagnosis four years ago:“The news was a ‘mule kick’ to my soul. Those impossible words I absorbed and then tried to convince myself, that I was stuck, suspended, or even stranded inside some kind of alternate reality or nightmare, were to the absolute contrary. I was awake. It was true … reality.”

On his post-diagnosis depression: “The personal disbelief, karmic confusion, shame and anger led to a temporary yet abysmal descent into profound substance abuse and fathomless drinking. It was a suicide run. Problem was, I’d forgotten that I’m too tough for such a cowardly departure.”

On his antiretroviral treatment routine: “Not missing a beat, a med dose, or one shred of guidance, quickly my viral loads became undetectable. Like every other challenge in my life, again, I was victorious and kicking this disease’s ass … My medical team could only shake their heads as each and every blood test returned levels revealing a state of remission.”

On his payouts to keep sex partners silent: “I dazedly chose (or hired) the companionship of unsavory and insipid types. Regardless of their salt-less reputations, I always lead with condoms and honesty when it came to my condition. Sadly, my truth soon became their treason, as a deluge of blackmail and extortion took center stage in this circus of deceit. To date, I have paid out countless millions to these desperate charlatans.”

On his future as a celebrity living with HIV: “My partying days are behind me. My philanthropic days are ahead of me … In conclusion, I accept this condition not as a curse or scourge, but rather as an opportunity and a challenge. An opportunity to help others. A challenge to better myself.”

Full letter here. And here’s more from Sheen’s interview.

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