--- title: How the Internet Affects Our Relationships description: It removes the constraints we feel when talking face-to-face—for good and ill. canonical: https://time.com/4065457/internet-effects/ author: TIME article:opinion: true article:content_tier: free article:published_time: 2015-10-07T22:01:53.000Z article:modified_time: 2026-08-04T07:38:19.947Z article:section: Ideas og:title: How the Internet Affects Our Relationships og:description: It removes the constraints we feel when talking face-to-face—for good and ill og:url: https://time.com/4065457/internet-effects/ og:site_name: TIME og:image: https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/bltb7590ca4690994df/698778882dce0187e09dcccd/computer-hack-typing-keyboard-2.jpg?branch=production&width=1200&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=16:9 og:image:width: 2560 og:image:height: 1440 og:image:alt: TIME.com stock photos Computer Keyboard Typing Hack og:type: article twitter:card: summary_large_image twitter:title: How the Internet Affects Our Relationships twitter:description: It removes the constraints we feel when talking face-to-face—for good and ill twitter:image: https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/bltb7590ca4690994df/698778882dce0187e09dcccd/computer-hack-typing-keyboard-2.jpg?branch=production&width=1200&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=16:9 ---  # How the Internet Affects Our Relationships > Sponsored content. 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Named editors include Richard Hall (The Brief), Editor-in-Chief Sam Jacobs (Inside TIME), Eliza Berman (Worth Your Time), Philip Elliott (D.C. Brief), Justin Worland (Future Proof) and Harry Booth (In the Loop). Health Matters is written by TIME's health desk. #### How do I sign up for a TIME newsletter? Go to time.com/newsletters, choose the newsletters you want and enter your email address. There is no cost and no subscription requirement. ## Video: An Interview with Mark Zuckerberg [Watch (HLS stream): An Interview with Mark Zuckerberg](https://cdn.jwplayer.com/manifests/OY4lvTU2.m3u8) (9:13)  _Published 2010-12-15. TIME managing editor Rick Stengel sits down with Facebook co-founder and CEO Mark Zuckerberg at his company's Palo Alto headquarters_ by [Sally Quinn, University of York / The Conversation](https://time.com/author/sally-quinn/) ## Sally Quinn, University of York / The Conversation Oct 7, 2015 10:01 PM UTC  Elizabeth Renstrom for TIME by [Sally Quinn, University of York / The Conversation](https://time.com/author/sally-quinn/) ## Sally Quinn, University of York / The Conversation Oct 7, 2015 10:01 PM UTC Breaking up is never easy, and while 20 years ago there may well have been little or no post break-up contact between exes, 21st century technology – from social media to Whatsapp – means there are many new ways to open old wounds. With so many communications channels with which to get hold of people, and with so much of our lives visible online through such things as Facebook, it’s easy to keep an eye on our exes once we’ve parted. A [recent study](http://online.liebertpub.com/doi/full/10.1089/cyber.2015.0123) found that “Facebook stalking” an ex-partner was found to hinder recovery after the end of the relationship through prolonging the emotional distress felt. Those who were more traumatised by the break-up were more likely to indulge in Facebook stalking. It’s hard to imagine that these people would all have been prepared to stalk their ex-partners so readily in real life. What is the Internet doing to our relationships with other people that lead us to behave so differently on- and offline? The two key attributes the Internet offers that allow people to act so differently online are anonymity and physical distance. These attributes contribute to the [disinhibition effect](http://online.liebertpub.com/doi/abs/10.1089/1094931041291295). The Internet essentially removes the constraints we usually feel when talking face-to-face, with the resulting effects on our behaviour, leading to online bullying, trolling, stalking and flaming. The regularity with which these behaviours appear in the media might lead us to think that the disinhibition effect has only negative effects, but there can be positive effects too. **For good and for ill** Building closer relationship with people is built upon sharing things about ourselves, such as our likes, dislikes, worries and concerns. Some people find this quite challenging face-to-face, so the physical distance provided by communicating through the Internet is invaluable. For example, socially anxious adolescents [find it easier to disclose personal information](http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/15213260701375686) to their friends when online, the Internet acting as a place where relational skills can be practised. A report from Pew Research in the U.S. found that digital technology [enhances teenagers’ romantic relationships](http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/technology-34416989), helping them feel closer and more connected to their partner and to resolve conflict – although being able to access a partner’s online profile can easily lead to jealousy, too. But generally, by connecting with others online we can keep in touch with family, friends and acquaintances, near or far, which helps us to strengthen social ties and become closer. As well as supporting friendships, the Internet can provide opportunities for support at important times in our life – sometimes even from strangers. There are many online support groups, from the general to the very specific. Social media is often used as support following specific events – for example, a Facebook group has been set up for survivors of the [Aurora Theater Shooting](http://www.theguardian.com/us-news/aurora-shooting) in Colorado in 2012\. These groups can help people [develop a sense of empowerment](http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0747563208000198), allowing them to feel more in control with greater self confidence. Being able to talk to strangers who have experienced or are experiencing similar circumstances can have a cathartic effect. **Always-on generation** Regardless, it cannot be ignored that the Internet has become more mobile over the last decade. Around [66% of U.K. adults own a smartphone](http://media.ofcom.org.uk/facts/) allowing Internet access around the clock. There have been concerns around the effects this may have on a generation that is permanently switched-on and plugged-in. One possible effect is the phenomenon known as the [fear of missing out](http://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/womens-life/10061863/FoMo-Do-you-have-a-Fear-of-Missing-Out.html), or FOMO. People who experience FOMO feel as though they are missing out on rewarding experiences that they perceive their friends are having. FOMO has been found to be [related to greater social media engagement](http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0747563213000800) which is not surprising given that Facebook use, for example, has been found to be [driven by feelings of disconnection](http://psycnet.apa.org/journals/ppm/1/S/2/). This suggests that people are constantly checking their social media to ensure they’re not missing out on anything and to satisfy feelings of disconnection to others. What this does to our relationships and our psychological well-being has however yet to be determined. Clearly the Internet, which provides an experience of a different nature to offline life, but which we spend a lot of time using, is changing the ways in which we interact with each other. Unfortunately there will always be those who use this to cause harm to others, just as others value it as a space to enhance relationships or to find support at important times in their lives. The mobile Internet may lead to a generation so attached to platforms such as social media that they feel they can never “switch off”. It’s crucial that we constantly question not only what, good or bad, online platforms provide us, but also what they may take away from our lives. _This_ [_article_](https://theconversation.com/its-inevitable-that-the-internet-changes-how-we-relate-what-matters-is-how-48449) _originally appeared on_ [_The Conversation_](http://theconversation.com) ## Transcript >> So, Mark, as you're approaching 600 million users, which is just an extraordinary amount, being the third largest country in the world, I'm curious how Facebook is, whether you see it as changing the way people relate to each other or reflecting the way people already relate to each other. >> Well, we've always had the goal of helping people connect with all the people that they want, right? So, our mission hasn't been to make, let's say, people connect with new people that they didn't know or anything like that. It's just all about, you know, maybe, you're not in the same place as your family or your friends right now, but you wanna stay connected. I think Facebook gives people a tool to do that better in ways that they couldn't before. And I think, from some of the growth that we've seen, we're probably doing a reasonable job at that. >> Is it changing the nature of the way people relate to each other or changing the definition of friendship even? >> What I think it allows is for people to stay connected who aren't necessarily seeing each other in person everyday, who aren't necessarily comfortable picking up the phone and calling each other or arranging time to hang out and go out for coffee. >> Yeah. >> But there's a lot of people who you care about who you do wanna see what's going on in their lives and you might wanna send them a quick note and Facebook makes that really easy. >> Uh- huh. >> Right? So, I don't think it's, you know, taking away from any of the other interactions that you have. It's just expanding your social spheres. That way you can keep in touch with all these people. Before, you just wouldn't have had any way to do that-- >> Uh- huh. >> and I think that makes people's lives just a bit richer. >> Uh- huh. You know, we've seen, particularly among people of your generation, a kind of different sense than my generation, how people regard their own privacy and what's public versus what's private. I mean, do you think that sense has changed, you know, generationally, and how does Facebook, either aid or abet that? >> Well, I think it's interesting. Privacy is one of the most fundamentally important issues on the internet, right? And as people are sharing more information and have access to more information, I think that this is just something that everyone needs to think about. And I think different people start off from different places, but one thing that I think a lot of people have figured out or at least found in their own experiences, you know, if you have control over how you share things, right ,-- >> Uh- huh. >> if I wanna, you know, take a photo album from, you know, a vacation with my family and share it with a set of people, that could be a really rewarding experience, right, when you can use that to stay connected with all of your friends, right, who maybe wouldn't have understood what was going on in your life. So, that stuff is really powerful when you think through it and do it correctly, I think. >> Yeah. How do you see Facebook changing the news business, the business that we're in? I mean, obviously, now, people are using their Facebook page as a way of sharing information. Now, Facebook is now on almost every news site in terms of what you like and dislike. I mean, it seems to be changing the way people share and process information. >> Well, one thing that's interesting is I, at least, myself find that I'm so much more likely to read an article if one of my friends who I respect says that it's a good article. >> Yeah. >> Right? So, you know, whether that's because they decided to post it in their newsfeed or if they went to, you know, the TIME website and clicked that they like an article and I see that when I'm reading the article, I see other articles that they might like. It's really expanded the material that I read online. >> Is there a kind of tearing down of authority? I mean, in the sense that in the old kind of news business, there were these institutions that had a lot of authority and people thought, " Well, I need to know about this because they tell me to know ." >> Yeah. >> It seems to be more peer- related. >> Yeah. I think this is really powerful, right? I mean, one of the things that Facebook has done is, now, really, everyone who has a Facebook account has a voice, right? I mean, they can publish a status update or they can put a link out there to content that they think that their friends should read and all the people who care about them have a way to do. And I mean, that's something that if you just go back, you know, 20 or 30 years, very few people actually have the ability to do that, and now, you know, fast- forward, and half a billion people can do that. I think that's a pretty profound change. >> Uh- huh. >> That's really cool. >> Uh- huh. Is there some characteristic that those people have that unites them in a way? You know, once upon a time, there are nations, states, and we're all Americans, we're all Chinese. >> Uh- huh. >> Is Facebook almost like a nation? And what unites all of those people? >> Well, I do think it's a community, right? And it's a community that's made up of a lot of different communities which are just people's friends and who they wanna share with on a day- to- day basis. But I do think that the internet is enabling more people to just, you know, share what they want online, stay connected in new ways. I mean, now, it really is possible for any person who's using Facebook to connect with anyone else who they know in a different country around the world who's also using Facebook and that's really cool. I mean, that's one of the things that we're really proud of that we've helped shape over the last few years. >> Right. One of the other runners- up for Person of the Year is Julian Assange and I talked to him-- >> Uh- huh. >> the week before last, and sometimes, you can see some of the things that he says sounding very similar to the things that you say in the sense that he says, " Greater transparency and openness makes the world a more just place ." >> Uh- huh. >> I mean, how do you see what he is doing and is it at all related to what you are doing? >> Well, I mean, at a very high level, some of the themes could be connected. I mean, we mostly try to make it so that you can understand what's going on with the people around you 'cause we think that that helps you connect to them more broadly. >> Uh- huh. >> And WikiLeaks story, I think, is fascinating. But I also just don't think we're anywhere near the end of it, right? And I personally feel like, from the coverage that I read that I don't understand enough to fully comment on it ,-- >> Uh- huh. >> so I won't-- but I do think it's a fascinating kind of turn of events. >> Uh- huh. >> And watching how the different institutions react to it is also fascinating. >> Yeah. It's funny. Knowing that we were gonna be talking now, I did ask him a question that was about social media and he actually sees it in a different way in the sense that he sees Facebook and anything that is similar more about peer approval and people- seeking peer approval whereas what he is doing is something which is much more of the kind of toppling of institutions in a deliberate way. So-- >> Yeah. I mean, we definitely don't wake up in the morning and think about toppling institutions, but-- I mean, one of the things that I think happens from people being able to share their opinions whether it's with friends or more broadly is-- you know, I really do think that there's this concept where the best stuff spreads, you know, whether it's the best news article-- >> Right. >> or the best song or the best product or the best movie. If you have access to better information or what's going on around you, you'll just make better choices-- >> Yeah. >> and I think that that's one thing that just makes the overall economy function a lot better that-- >> Right. >> I hope that we can contribute to and I see in these little interactions that people have all day long-- I mean, I'm-- that's something that I'm pretty proud of, right ,-- >> Right. >> and I think as an organization, we're proud of when we can make people's lives better in that way. >> Just this week and it's very fresh ,-- >> Uh- huh. >> you made this commitment to give away most of your wealth and you pledged $ 100 million to the Newark school system, so it's fresh in your mind that you-- >> Yeah. >> Tell me about your thinking about that and you're probably the youngest person to have done it. >> Well, actually-- >> We're not asking many other 26- year olds to give away their wealth. >> No. My co- founder from Facebook is a week younger than me and he's also doing it. So, I don't know, I just feel really fortunate to be able to be a part of something like this, you know, much less at the age that I'm able to. And you know, a lot of people, I think, wait until later in their careers to think about how they give back. And you know, I just had a bunch of conversations with my friends and people who work recently where it really occurred to me, " Why wait ?" Right? I mean, why wait another, you know, 15 or 20 years when I'll have necessarily-- probably a lot more time to focus on it. >> Uh- huh. >> But if we already have the resources, we should probably get started on that now, and hopefully, participating in this encourages other people in our generation to do so as well. >> You mentioned thinking about Facebook is a business and you're obviously an extraordinary businessman. Do you think of yourself as a businessman? I mean, if you had to describe yourself, you know, what is Mark Zuckerberg? >> I don't know. >> What would you say? >> I don't know. I don't think about myself as a businessperson. You know, I just think one of the things that's amazing about the internet is if you build something good that is a service that is valuable for people, it can spread quickly; and if you create value for other people, then you might be able to realize a portion of that value yourself, right? So, I mean, I never thought about Facebook is starting a business that would grow its own value, but in a way, I think it's really good that the world works this way, right, that if someone does something that's valuable that that's enough to build a good business based off of. I don't think I focus on a lot of the same things that other business people do, but everyday, we come in and just try to build the best product for people. >> Well, I think the word will spread that you're the Person of the Year 2010 and thanks for taking the time to talk with us. >> Oh, thank you. It's a huge honor. >> Okay. 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