--- ---  # 5 Shortcuts To Bonding Deeply With a Romantic Partner ## Video: A 100-Year-Old Sex Therapist on Having Good Sex, Then and Now [Watch (HLS stream): A 100-Year-Old Sex Therapist on Having Good Sex, Then and Now](https://cdn.jwplayer.com/manifests/uJFYIrvP.m3u8) (3:13)  _Published 2014-08-20. A practicing sex therapist in New York City, Dr. Shirley Zussman has witnessed everything from the legalization of the contraceptive birth control pill to the AIDs epidemic in the 1980s to the rise of internet porn in the new millenium._ by [Eric Barker](https://time.com/author/eric-barker/) ## Eric Barker Aug 18, 2015 4:01 AM UTC  Young couple dancing on beach under sunset. Young couple dancing on beach under sunset.Getty Images by [Eric Barker](https://time.com/author/eric-barker/) ## Eric Barker Aug 18, 2015 4:01 AM UTC How do you get to crazy love — or get crazy love back when it’s gone away? Forget the silly relationship books, let’s look at the real science and get some answers. Here are 5 shortcuts to bonding deeply with a romantic partner: ## 1) No More Boring Date Nights No more dull dinners telling the same stories and hoping you have fun. What’s at the root of seduction? Surprise. From my interview with [Robert Greene](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2014/02/seduction-power-mastery/), author of the bestseller, [The Art of Seduction](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0032BW5DY/ref=as%5Fli%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B0032BW5DY&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20&linkId=KUG5F5UPCFA4KUPN): --- > “” --- Couples don’t need more “pleasant” activities — you need more exciting activities to make sure you’re feeling the “butterflies” around each other. Researchers did a 10-week study comparing couples that engaged in “pleasant” activities vs “exciting” activities. Pleasant lost. Via [For Better: How the Surprising Science of Happy Couples Can Help Your Marriage Succeed](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0064XIDPG/ref=as%5Fli%5Fss%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B0064XIDPG&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20): --- > “” --- Why would doing anything exciting have such a big effect on a relationship? Because research shows we’re lousy about realizing where our feelings are coming from. [Excitement from any source will be associated with the person you’re with](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2011/07/whats-the-key-to-a-fantastic-first-date/), even if they’re not the cause of it. When I spoke to the top researcher of romantic love, [Arthur Aron](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2014/10/how-to-have-a-great-relationship-2/), he said the same thing: --- > “” --- So no boring, lame date nights. Go [dancing](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2011/10/can-dancing-together-improve-your-relationshi/) together or anything else you can [both participate in as a couple](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2011/09/what-can-help-bond-you-and-your-partner-close/). No documentaries — research says you should go see [horror movies or suspense thrillers](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2012/04/whats-the-best-type-of-movie-to-see-with-some/). (To learn the 4 most common relationship problems — and how to fix them — click [here](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2014/12/relationship-problems/).) Okay, no more dull dinners. You’re taking tango lessons or going skydiving. Awesome. So how do you fix the nagging little problems in your relationship to take it to the next level? That’s easy… Don’t. ## 2) Don’t Reduce the Negative. Increase the Positive. We spend a lot of time trying to fix things in our relationships. Turns out we’ve got it backwards. Unless they’re critical, don’t focus on reducing the negatives. Couples thrive when they increase the positive things. Via [The Happiness Advantage: The Seven Principles of Positive Psychology That Fuel Success and Performance at Work](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0307591549/ref=as%5Fli%5Fss%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&tag=spacforrent-20&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=0307591549): --- > “” --- Research shows [trying to change people](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2011/04/can-you-improve-your-relationship-by-trying-t/) doesn’t work: --- > “” --- [John Gottman](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2012/10/kill-relationships/), the #1 guy on making relationships work, says 69% of a couple’s problems are perpetual. These problems don’t go away yet many couples keep arguing about them year after year. Via [The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0609805797/ref=as%5Fli%5Fss%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=0609805797&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20): --- > “” --- So ignore the bad. Increase the good stuff. (To learn the four things that kill relationships, click [here](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2012/10/kill-relationships/).) So you’re not trying to fix what’s broken, you’re doubling down on the things that make you two happy. What else do you need to do? ## 3) Get To Know Them. _Really_ Get To Know Them Couples who communicate are 62% more likely to describe their relationship as happy. Via [100 Simple Secrets of Great Relationships](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000FC10FM/ref=as%5Fli%5Fss%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B000FC10FM&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20): --- > “” --- Emotional, personal information exchange promotes powerful feelings of connection. Asking and answering [the right questions](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2011/08/is-there-a-shortcut-to-bonding-with-a-romanti/) can create a lifelong bond in just _one hour_. Via Sam Gosling’s book, [Snoop: What Your Stuff Says About You](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0465013821/ref=as%5Fli%5Fss%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&tag=spacforrent-20&linkCode=as2&camp=217145&creative=399369&creativeASIN=0465013821): --- > “” --- What happened in Arthur Aron’s lab when he had grad students ask each other these [personal questions](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2011/08/is-there-a-shortcut-to-bonding-with-a-romanti/)? Well, two of them [_ended up getting married_](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2014/10/how-to-have-a-great-relationship-2/)_._ No time for tons of questions? Share the best event of your day and have your partner share the best event of their day. And celebrate their successes. [It works](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2010/06/how-to-improve-your-relationship-in-5-seconds/). Here’s what Arthur told me in [our interview](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2014/10/how-to-have-a-great-relationship-2/): --- > “” --- But it’s not all talk. Research shows [touching is powerful too](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2011/12/do-you-underestimate-the-power-of-touching/). (Want something really powerful? [Touch their face](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2013/10/how-to-flirt-scientifically/).) And [look into their eyes](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2011/11/can-staring-into-someones-eyes-make-them-fall/). It can make people fall in love. Seriously: --- > “” --- (For that list of questions that made people bond deeply in just an hour, click [here](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2011/08/is-there-a-shortcut-to-bonding-with-a-romanti/).) So you’re doing exciting stuff, focusing on the good things and really getting to know each other. What else should you spend time talking about? ## 4) Reminisce About the Times You Laughed You don’t need to be together very long to do this. What made you two crack up on those initial dates? Bring it up and [have another laugh about it](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2011/03/another-quick-and-easy-way-to-increase-relati/): --- > “” --- And here’s a bonus: more laughing means less fighting. Via [100 Simple Secrets of Great Relationships](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000FC10FM/ref=as%5Fli%5Fss%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B000FC10FM&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20): --- > “” --- The other thing to emphasize when reminiscing? Similarity. The single strongest predictor of marital well-being? [Feeling the two of you are similar](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2011/04/whats-the-strongest-predictor-of-marital-well/). Believe it or not, even having similar _fighting styles_ was a good thing. It was related to double-digit drops in conflict and a double-digit increase in satisfaction. Via [100 Simple Secrets of Great Relationships](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000FC10FM/ref=as%5Fli%5Fss%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B000FC10FM&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20): --- > “” --- (To learn the recipe for a happy marriage, click [here](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2013/10/recipe-for-a-happy-marriage-2/).) Okay, so you two are laughing. What’s the right perspective to take when you’re out together? ### Photographing a Kiss: Long Time Love Affairs  Joseph and Dorothy Bolotin Sharon, Pennsylvania Married on June 16, 1938\. Dorothy, "I never think of it in terms of years. I think of it in terms of good years. In love, hot romance doesn’t last forever. So I would say that yes, I think love changes. I would say we’re still in love. It’s focusing, doing little things. He’s an amazing man." Lauren Fleishman  John and Sherma Campbell Star Valley, Wyoming Married on May 13, 1955\. Sherma, "When you start out, you think you love each other as much as you possibly can,but love grows—just like your inner self grows as time goes by and you have experiences.And now at this stage of the game, I love him even more. I can’t even imagine life without him." Lauren Fleishman  Jin Lin and Lai Mei Chen Brooklyn, New York Married on February 4, 1961\. Jin Lin, "We had so many things in common it was like our hearts were the same." Lauren Fleishman  de'Spagnolis Aldo de’Spagnolis and Maria Filiozzi Itri, Italy Married on October 23, 1949\. Aldo, "When I first saw her, she was 14 and I was 22.Was there a concern that she was too young for me? No! Even now I look like a young child! Yes, even now I’m still young." Lauren Fleishman  Jake and Mary Jacobs Solihull, England Married on April 27, 1948\. Mary,"Jake said to me,'Would it ever be possible for me to marry you?' And I said,'Possible but not probable!' And that’s how it was. It wasn’t likely that I would ever marry him, and he knew that. So when he went home to Trinidad, my mother and father breathed a sigh of relief. But he used to write, and he said, 'I’m thinking I might come back to England.'" Lauren Fleishman  Kissin Yevgeniy and Lyubov Kissin Brooklyn, New York Married on June 29, 1941\. Yevgeniy, "We met at a dancing party. It was in January 1938\. My friend invited me to the party, he said there would be a lot of beautiful young girls. Another cadet with high boots had approached her, but she didn’t like high boots and so she said no to him. I was the second one to approach her. I had a different uniform, but I’m still not sure if it was my uniform or my face that attracted her to me." Lauren Fleishman  Itig and Golda Pollac Brooklyn, New York Married on August 13, 1946\. Golda, "I would say love came little by little. Not right away.We were young.And he was older, but I liked him. He spoke to me in a very nice way." Lauren Fleishman  Yaakov and Mariya Shapirshetyn Brooklyn, New York Married on July 6, 1949\. Yaakov, "What is the secret to love? A secret is a secret, and I don’t reveal my secrets." Lauren Fleishman  Gino and Angie Terranova Staten Island. New York Married on September 27, 1947\. Angie, "You really don’t think about getting older. First of all, you’re aging together, and when you see a person constantly,you don’t notice big changes. Like you don’t notice, oh you’re getting a little wrinkle here and tomorrow you say it’s a little deeper. No, those are things that just happen." Lauren Fleishman ## 5) Pretend You’re on Your First Date Again On first dates we [make an effort](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2011/11/whats-a-quick-way-to-improve-our-relationship/) and effort draws people together: --- > “” --- Studies show pretending time with a romantic partner was a first date makes it [more enjoyable:](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2010/07/another-way-to-easily-improve-your-relationsh/) --- > “” --- (To learn how to be a good kisser, click [here](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2013/08/how-to-be-a-good-kisser/).) We’ve learned a lot. Let’s round it up and learn one more killer thing that can actually build a positive feedback loop in your relationship… ## Sum Up To bond more deeply with a romantic partner make sure to: * **Kill the boring dates. Do new exciting stuff.** Dancing, suspenseful movies, learning new things together. * **Don’t fix the negatives. Build on the positives.** You can’t fix most problems. Double down on what works well. * **Really get to know them.** Use [Arthur Aron’s questions](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2011/08/is-there-a-shortcut-to-bonding-with-a-romanti/). And ask about the best part of their day, celebrate it, and share the high point of your day. Touch. Stare into their eyes. * **Reminisce about the times you laughed.** Emphasize similarity. * **Pretend you’re on your first date again.** Make an effort. Put your best face forward. Want to diagnose how well your relationship is working? [Listen to the story](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2014/12/relationship-problems/) you and your partner tell others about your relationship. John Gottman said it’s the #1 predictor of whether things are working. Another trick is to hold their hand during stressful times and [see how it makes you feel](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2011/06/can-you-rate-the-quality-of-your-relationship/). Less stressed? Bingo. The sad thing is that over time we often take the other person for granted. _But you don’t have to._ By expressing gratitude, research shows you can actually create a [positive feedback loop in your relationship](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2011/10/is-there-a-way-to-create-a-positive-feedback-98910/): --- > “” --- If you’ve got something good together, being grateful can make it even better. Right now, share this post with your partner and tell them, “Thank you.” Isn’t that what we all want to hear? **_This piece originally appeared on_** [**_Barking Up the Wrong Tree_**](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2015/08/bonding-deeply/)**_._** **Join over 200,000 readers. Get a free weekly update via email** [**here**](http://eepurl.com/o6uAD)**.** Related posts: [How To Stop Being Lazy And Get More Done – 5 Expert Tips](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2014/08/how-to-stop-being-lazy/) [How To Get People To Like You: 7 Ways From An FBI Behavior Expert](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2014/10/how-to-get-people-to-like-you/) [New Harvard Research Reveals A Fun Way To Be More Successful](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2014/09/be-more-successful/) _Read next:_ [_How to Have a Great Relationship: 5 Words You Need to Remember_](http://time.com/77954/how-to-have-a-great-relationship/?iid=time%5Freadnext) [_Download TIME’s mobile app for iOS to have your world explained wherever you go_](https://itunes.apple.com/us/app/time-mobile/id328218429) 5 Shortcuts To Bonding Deeply With a Romantic Partner ```json [{"@context":"https://schema.org","@type":"OpinionNewsArticle","@id":"https://time.com/4000154/5-shortcuts-to-bonding-deeply-with-a-romantic-partner/","mainEntityOfPage":{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https://time.com/4000154/5-shortcuts-to-bonding-deeply-with-a-romantic-partner/"},"headline":"5 Shortcuts To Bonding Deeply With a Romantic Partner","datePublished":"2015-08-18T04:01:24.000Z","dateModified":"2026-08-04T07:43:17.325Z","description":"Try dancing on your next date","url":"https://time.com/4000154/5-shortcuts-to-bonding-deeply-with-a-romantic-partner/","keywords":["Psychology","relationships","Love","Love & Relationships"],"thumbnailUrl":"https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/blt812c0e3df6ade3d8/69885f8f196cf40a5e03793d/couple-dancing-beach.jpg?branch=production&width=1200&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=1200:675&height=675","author":[{"@type":"Person","name":"Eric Barker","jobTitle":null,"url":"https://time.com/author/eric-barker/"}],"articleSection":"Ideas","image":[{"@type":"ImageObject","url":"https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/blt812c0e3df6ade3d8/69885f8f196cf40a5e03793d/couple-dancing-beach.jpg?branch=production&width=1200&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=1200:675&height=675","width":1200,"height":675,"headline":"couple-dancing-beach","caption":"couple-dancing-beach","creditText":"Getty Images","representativeOfPage":true}],"publisher":{"@type":"Organization","name":"Time","url":"https://time.com/","logo":{"@type":"ImageObject","url":"https://time.com/images/logo.png","width":528,"height":156},"foundingDate":"March 3, 1923","sameAs":["https://www.facebook.com/time","https://www.instagram.com/time/?hl=en","https://twitter.com/time","https://www.pinterest.com/timemagazine"]}},{"@context":"https://schema.org","@type":"BreadcrumbList","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"item":{"@id":"/section/ideas/","name":"Ideas"}},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"item":{"@id":"/tag/psychology/","name":"Psychology"}},{"@type":"ListItem","position":3,"item":{"@id":"https://time.com/4000154/5-shortcuts-to-bonding-deeply-with-a-romantic-partner/","name":"5 Shortcuts To Bonding Deeply With a Romantic Partner"}}]},{"@context":"https://schema.org","@type":"VideoObject","name":"What One Woman Learned From Taking a Year Off From Her Marriage","description":"Robin Rinaldi did what many women dream of but few actually do: she took a year off from her marriage, made an agreement with her husband that they would both sleep with other people for a set period of time, and threw caution to the wind.","thumbnailUrl":"https://cdn.jwplayer.com/v2/media/B3QCkNPd/poster.jpg?width=720","uploadDate":"2015-04-01T13:42:10.000Z","contentUrl":"https://cdn.jwplayer.com/manifests/B3QCkNPd.m3u8","embedUrl":"https://time.com/4000154/5-shortcuts-to-bonding-deeply-with-a-romantic-partner/","duration":"PT3M53S","potentialAction":{"@type":"SeekToAction","target":"https://time.com/4000154/5-shortcuts-to-bonding-deeply-with-a-romantic-partner/?jw_start={seek_to_second_number}","startOffset-input":"required name=seek_to_second_number"}},{"@context":"https://schema.org","@type":"VideoObject","name":"A 100-Year-Old Sex Therapist on Having Good Sex, Then and Now","description":"A practicing sex therapist in New York City, Dr. Shirley Zussman has witnessed everything from the legalization of the contraceptive birth control pill to the AIDs epidemic in the 1980s to the rise of internet porn in the new millenium.","thumbnailUrl":"https://cdn.jwplayer.com/v2/media/uJFYIrvP/poster.jpg?width=720","uploadDate":"2014-08-20T13:40:15.000Z","contentUrl":"https://cdn.jwplayer.com/manifests/uJFYIrvP.m3u8","embedUrl":"https://time.com/4000154/5-shortcuts-to-bonding-deeply-with-a-romantic-partner/","duration":"PT3M13S","potentialAction":{"@type":"SeekToAction","target":"https://time.com/4000154/5-shortcuts-to-bonding-deeply-with-a-romantic-partner/?jw_start={seek_to_second_number}","startOffset-input":"required name=seek_to_second_number"}}] ```