--- description: Everything you know about marriage is wrong title: 4 Secrets for a Happy Marriage image: https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/blt2e457e98793fcfc7/6987776ee20a871c5da8440c/marriage.jpg?branch=production&width=3840&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=16:9 ---  * [Ideas](/section/ideas/) ## Ideas Update your preferences in [Account Settings](/account/preferences/) Close * [Psychology](/tag/psychology/) ## Psychology Update your preferences in [Account Settings](/account/preferences/) Close # 4 Secrets for a Happy Marriage by [Eric Barker](/author/eric-barker/) ## Eric Barker Update your preferences in [Account Settings](/account/preferences/) Close Aug 6, 2015 4:01 AM CUT  Boda BodaGetty Images by [Eric Barker](/author/eric-barker/) ## Eric Barker Update your preferences in [Account Settings](/account/preferences/) Close Aug 6, 2015 4:01 AM CUT Being married in the modern world can be difficult and confusing. What are the rules for a happy marriage? It doesn’t seem like there are any easy answers. So I called an expert. Stephanie Coontz serves as Co-Chair and Director of Public Education at the [Council on Contemporary Families](https://contemporaryfamilies.org/ "undefined") and teaches at The Evergreen State College in Olympia, WA. She’s the author of [Marriage, a History: How Love Conquered Marriage](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B002I1XRZY/ref=as%5Fli%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B002I1XRZY&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20&linkId=X23YDNKN4KNKNP3J "undefined") and [The Way We Never Were: American Families And The Nostalgia Trap](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B001FSJ994/ref=as%5Fli%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B001FSJ994&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20&linkId=FDNZWKMKNKJZXR4R "undefined"). We hear a lot from psychologists and therapists on the subject of marriage but what’s fascinating about Stephanie is she studies the _history_ of marriage. She’s looked at what marriage has meant through the ages, what worked and didn’t, and how it’s changed in the modern era. Here’s a talk she gave at the PopTech Conference: To put it simply: everything you think you know about marriage is wrong. We’re gonna learn the truth, find out why modern married life is so confusing, and get a few tips on how you can make your own marriage much, much better. Here’s what she had to say… ## 1) Everything You Know About Marriage Is Wrong Everybody thinks marriage used to be better “back then.” Nope. Marriages in the past weren’t better. In fact, they weren’t even about love. Via [Marriage, a History: How Love Conquered Marriage](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B002I1XRZY/ref=as%5Fli%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B002I1XRZY&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20&linkId=X23YDNKN4KNKNP3J "undefined"): --- > “” --- Not only were marriages not based on love, the idea that they might be was _terrifying_. Via [Marriage, a History: How Love Conquered Marriage](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B002I1XRZY/ref=as%5Fli%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B002I1XRZY&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20&linkId=X23YDNKN4KNKNP3J "undefined"): --- > “” --- So what was marriage about in the so-called “good old days”? _Getting in-laws._ Seriously. Here’s Stephanie: --- > “” --- Think “[Game of Thrones](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B008CLI4N4/ref=as%5Fli%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B008CLI4N4&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20&linkId=GX675ZZWG2IHX4T3 "undefined")” here, folks. Marriage was about getting in-laws for purposes of politics, consolidating resources, or increasing your family’s labor force. Why do you think for the longest time a kid born out of wedlock was called a “love child”? Of course, people did fall in love back then. And they would have liked to marry the person they were in love with but, at the time, it just wasn’t practical. Here’s Stephanie: --- > “” --- But the world changed. We no longer need to rely on in-laws for protection from barbarian hordes or producing good heirs to the throne. So love hijacked marriage. And today’s marital equality has resulted in higher marital satisfaction. And beyond satisfaction it’s led to other really nice things like fewer suicides among women. And guys get a great benefit too: your wife is far less likely to murder you. Via [Marriage, a History: How Love Conquered Marriage](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B002I1XRZY/ref=as%5Fli%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B002I1XRZY&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20&linkId=X23YDNKN4KNKNP3J "undefined"): --- > “” --- So what do we _really_ need to to know from the history of marriage? It’s quite ironic, really… The big lesson from history is: _stop looking at history_. Don’t compare your marriage to the 1950’s or any other era. It’s a brave new world. Marriages are based on love and equality now, so the old models don’t hold. Here’s Stephanie: --- > “” --- (To learn the shortcut to bonding with a relationship partner on a deeper level, click [here](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2011/08/is-there-a-shortcut-to-bonding-with-a-romanti/ "undefined").) So marriage based on love and equality is very new. And comparing wedlock today to some “perfect” era in the past doesn’t make sense. So what should we be doing to make marriages work in the modern world? ## 2) Define What Marriage Means For You And Your Partner Stephanie says that relations between partners have changed more in the past 30 years than they did in the previous 3,000\. So it’s _okay_ to be confused. We’re changing the rules. Here’s Stephanie: --- > “” --- So we have more freedom. But more freedom always means more choices we need to make. Marriage used to be an institution with hard rules. Now it’s a more flexible relationship — but that means you and your partner need to do more thinking about what marriage means to you rather than relying on how things used to be. Via [Marriage, a History: How Love Conquered Marriage](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B002I1XRZY/ref=as%5Fli%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B002I1XRZY&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20&linkId=X23YDNKN4KNKNP3J "undefined"): --- > “” --- (To learn how to get people to like you — from an FBI behavior expert, click [here](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2014/10/how-to-get-people-to-like-you/ "undefined").) So the old rules don’t constrain you. Cool. But there’s not much to guide you either. Ouch. You need to tailor and customize. How the heck do you do that? ## 3) You Need To Communicate And Negotiate You’re going to need to talk more. And tell your partner what you want instead of expecting them to know the answers. Via [Marriage, a History: How Love Conquered Marriage](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B002I1XRZY/ref=as%5Fli%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B002I1XRZY&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20&linkId=X23YDNKN4KNKNP3J "undefined"): --- > “” --- Can that lead to more arguing? Oh, you bet it can. But in the modern world, that’s a _good_ thing. Really. Here’s Stephanie: --- > “” --- Your marriage will develop, evolve and change. And you’ll need to manage that process to keep it healthy. Here’s Stephanie: --- > “” --- (To learn the 4 most common relationship problems — and how to fix them, click [here](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2014/12/relationship-problems/ "undefined").) Okay, so you’re figuring out what marriage means to you and your partner and you’re communicating. Great. But what’s the big goal here? What should the center of a good marriage be these days? ## 4) Marriage Has To Be Based On Friendship And Mutual Respect Fiery, passionate love is great — but ancient societies had a point: basing a lifelong commitment on those emotions can be unstable. What happens when that burning love fades? So while passion is great, there needs to be friendship and mutual respect to make sure your relationship can stand the test of time. Via [Marriage, a History: How Love Conquered Marriage](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B002I1XRZY/ref=as%5Fli%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B002I1XRZY&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20&linkId=X23YDNKN4KNKNP3J "undefined"): --- > “” --- What gets in the way of that? We’re often focused on the qualities in a partner that are mysterious and different. That can be good for passionate affairs but what works for marriage is more often _similarity_. Here’s Stephanie: --- > “” --- (To learn the science behind being a great parent, click [here](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2015/06/parenting-tips/ "undefined").) We’ve learned a lot from Stephanie. Let’s pull it together and find out one last piece of really good news about marriage. ## Sum Up Here’s what Stephanie had to say about the new rules for a happy marriage: * **The main thing to learn from history is to stop looking at history.** Love-based marriage is still pretty new. Stop comparing yourself to the “perfect” marriages from the past. They were totally different. And they weren’t perfect. * **Define what marriage means for you and your partner.** You have freedom. And that means choices. You don’t get to assume your partner will behave this way or that way. * **Communicate and negotiate.** You won’t get the rules for your marriage perfect the first time you discuss them. Things change and people change, but that’s okay if you keep talking. * **Base your marriage on friendship and mutual respect.** Crazy love rarely lasts. Friendship does. Marriage isn’t worse than it used to be, but it’s certainly different. Love-based marriage has the potential to be far, far more fulfilling that unions of the past. Here’s Stephanie: --- > “” --- Being married today does take a lot more work than it used to. But with a little effort, your marriage can be better _than any marriage in history._ And that’s pretty awesome. In my [next weekly email](http://eepurl.com/o6uAD "undefined") I’ll have more from Stephanie, including the two things couples should do to maintain a strong bond over time. To make sure you don’t miss it, [join here](http://eepurl.com/o6uAD "undefined"). ### See Photos of Love and Courtship in 1950s Japan  A young couple on a date in a cafe in Tokyo. John Dominis—The LIFE Picture Collection/Getty Images  A Shibui dance function in Tokyo where young people would go to meet other young people in hopes of finding a partner. JOHN DOMINIS—THE LIFE PICTURE COLLECTION/GETTY IMAGES  A Shibui dance function in Tokyo where young people would go to meet other young people in hopes of finding a partner. JOHN DOMINIS—THE LIFE PICTURE COLLECTION/GETTY IMAGES  A young couple walking around in the Ginza district of Tokyo. 1959. JOHN DOMINIS—THE LIFE PICTURE COLLECTION/GETTY IMAGES  Akiksuke Tsutsui, left, bids his girlfriend, Chiyoko Inami, farewell as her train departs. March 1959. JOHN DOMINIS—THE LIFE PICTURE COLLECTION/GETTY IMAGES  Akiksuke Tsutsui, left, and his girlfriend Chiyoko Inami, right, walking around in the Ginza district during their lunch hour. March 1959. JOHN DOMINIS—THE LIFE PICTURE COLLECTION/GETTY IMAGES  Nohito Mukai, left, and his girlfriend, Hiroko Inayaki, go roller skating on a date in Tokyo. March 1959. JOHN DOMINIS—THE LIFE PICTURE COLLECTION/GETTY IMAGES  Hiroko Inayaki, left, goes for a drive with her boyfriend, Nohito Mukai. March 1959. JOHN DOMINIS—THE LIFE PICTURE COLLECTION/GETTY IMAGES  Takahide Inayama (Age 20), left, and his girlfriend, Mitusyo Ogama (Age 20), both are university students. Seen here picking out apples on a date near their university. 1959 JOHN DOMINIS—THE LIFE PICTURE COLLECTION/GETTY IMAGES  Chiyoko Inami, left, and her boyfriend, Akiksuke Tsutsui, playing a game on a train headed to Kyoto to meet Tsutsui's family. March, 1959. JOHN DOMINIS—THE LIFE PICTURE COLLECTION/GETTY IMAGES  A young couple out on a date in Tokyo. 1959 JOHN DOMINISÑTHE LIFE PICTURE COLLECTION/GETTY IMAGES  Young couple visiting a bridge near the Imperial Palace. 1959 JOHN DOMINIS—THE LIFE PICTURE COLLECTION/GETTY IMAGES  A young couple takes a "selfie" on a self-timer on their camera. 1959 JOHN DOMINIS—THE LIFE PICTURE COLLECTION/GETTY IMAGES  Chiyoko Inami, left, and her boyfriend, Akiksuke Tsutsui, right, sharing an intimate moment on a date. March, 1959. JOHN DOMINIS—THE LIFE PICTURE COLLECTION/GETTY IMAGES  A young couple making out on a date in a park in Tokyo. 1959. JOHN DOMINISÑTHE LIFE PICTURE COLLECTION/GETTY IMAGES **_This piece originally appeared on_** [**_Barking Up the Wrong Tree_**](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2015/08/rules-for-a-happy-marriage/ "undefined")**_._** **_Join over 200,000 readers. Get a free weekly update via email_** [**_here_**](http://eepurl.com/o6uAD "undefined")**_._** Related posts: [4 New Parenting Tips That Will Make Your Kids Awesome](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2015/06/parenting-tips/ "undefined") [How To Get People To Like You: 7 Ways From An FBI Behavior Expert](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2014/10/how-to-get-people-to-like-you/ "undefined") [How To Stop Being Lazy And Get More Done – 5 Expert Tips](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2014/08/how-to-stop-being-lazy/ "undefined") Relationships: 4 Secrets for a Happy Marriage ```json [{"@context":"https://schema.org","@type":"OpinionNewsArticle","@id":"https://time.com/3986644/happy-marriage-secrets/","mainEntityOfPage":{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https://time.com/3986644/happy-marriage-secrets/"},"headline":"4 Secrets for a Happy Marriage","datePublished":"2015-08-06T04:01:38.000Z","dateModified":"2026-05-11T04:49:33.409Z","description":"Everything you know about marriage is wrong","url":"https://time.com/3986644/happy-marriage-secrets/","keywords":["Psychology","Marriage","relationships","advice"],"thumbnailUrl":"https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/blt2e457e98793fcfc7/6987776ee20a871c5da8440c/marriage.jpg?branch=production&width=1200&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=1200:675&height=675","author":[{"@type":"Person","name":"Eric Barker","jobTitle":null,"url":"https://time.com/author/eric-barker/"}],"articleSection":"Ideas","image":[{"@type":"ImageObject","url":"https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/blt2e457e98793fcfc7/6987776ee20a871c5da8440c/marriage.jpg?branch=production&width=1200&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=1200:675&height=675","width":1200,"height":675,"headline":"marriage","caption":"marriage","creditText":"Getty Images","representativeOfPage":true}],"publisher":{"@type":"Organization","name":"Time","url":"https://time.com/","logo":{"@type":"ImageObject","url":"https://time.com/images/logo.png","width":528,"height":156},"foundingDate":"March 3, 1923","sameAs":["https://www.facebook.com/time","https://www.instagram.com/time/?hl=en","https://twitter.com/time","https://www.pinterest.com/timemagazine"]}},{"@context":"https://schema.org","@type":"BreadcrumbList","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"item":{"@id":"/section/ideas/","name":"Ideas"}},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"item":{"@id":"/tag/psychology/","name":"Psychology"}},{"@type":"ListItem","position":3,"item":{"@id":"https://time.com/3986644/happy-marriage-secrets/","name":"4 Secrets for a Happy Marriage"}}]},{"@context":"https://schema.org","@type":"VideoObject","name":"What One Woman Learned From Taking a Year Off From Her Marriage","description":"Robin Rinaldi did what many women dream of but few actually do: she took a year off from her marriage, made an agreement with her husband that they would both sleep with other people for a set period of time, and threw caution to the wind.","thumbnailUrl":"https://cdn.jwplayer.com/v2/media/B3QCkNPd/poster.jpg?width=720","uploadDate":"2015-04-01T13:42:10.000Z","contentUrl":"https://cdn.jwplayer.com/manifests/B3QCkNPd.m3u8","embedUrl":"https://time.com/3986644/happy-marriage-secrets/","duration":"PT3M53S","potentialAction":{"@type":"SeekToAction","target":"https://time.com/3986644/happy-marriage-secrets/?jw_start={seek_to_second_number}","startOffset-input":"required name=seek_to_second_number"}}] ```