Tonight on The Bachelorette, the men told all, but really said nothing. These peeks behind the gilded curtains of the show are an interesting look at the behind-the-scenes drama complete with feuds, grudges, and chips for dips’ shoulders. It’s a riotous two hours of half-remembered faces shouting about unmemorable tiffs that mostly exist just to kill time until the finale. But in age-old Bachelorette tradition, it ain’t over until there’s a lot of shouting.
Here’s what happened when the men told all on The Bachelorette:
Bachelor in Paradise Is Coming: Gird your loins, because an all new season of Bachelor in Paradise starts soon, and the only things you need to know are that the promo features Claire and her raccoon friend and Ashley I. saying: “Jared’s definitely hot enough to be my first.” The entire concept is so devious, according to one savvy tweeter, only Donald Trump could have come up with it:
Ian Begs Princeton for Forgiveness: After presumably getting bumped from the cover of Princeton’s alumni magazine, Ian showed up to beg for forgiveness from his Bachelorette brethren, America and the Princeton alumni association. While Ian took to bended knee to apologize for his rude behavior, the men couldn’t help but pillory him with Tanner—who was apparently on the show long enough to get sick of hearing Ian prattle about Princeton — going so far as to suggest that Princeton teach a class on “how not to be an a–hole.” The only person to come to Ian’s defense was investment banker Corey, who claims to agree with the spirit of Ian’s speech to Kaitlyn, if not the delivery, which leads Ben H. to spring into action and ask Corey, “How many weeks were you there?” Exactly. After Ian apologized for his un–Ivy League behavior, a few men from lesser colleges came to hug him, probably in an attempt to rub him for luck getting into Ivy League graduate programs.
The Great Clint and J.J. Bromance: Clint, the engineer who looks like a C-list Thor, started his reputation-redemption tour by assuring the audience that he is “a straight man.” The producers couldn’t help but cut to J.J. for a reaction shot, but there really wasn’t one. When not being an egotistical monster with fake Hemsworth hair, Clint can make some good points, like when he scolded Josh (the welder who let Kaitlyn cut exactly half of his hair) for valuing his own opinions about who Kaitlyn should date over her own and, more charmingly, Clint called the limo that ousted contestants take on the long ride to the airport “the depression mobile.” And then there was the whole J.J.-Clint bromance, which was so clearly patched together by bored producers and aided and abetted by the two chuckleheads at the center of the action. J.J. swore there was “a lot of meat to that relationship,” which may or may not be euphemism. They were just two guys who were intellectually curious about each other, O.K.?
Kupah Kares: Kupah has a lot of lingering feelings about the fact that Kaitlyn invited Nick onto the show – even though it happened weeks after Kupah was sent home.
Ben Z. in the Hot Seat: While The Bachelorette has a lot of fun and games and roses, turns out that Ben didn’t really think it was fun or a game to have to give a eulogy to Kaitlyn so soon after his own mother’s death. That said, he still hasn’t cried over his mother or the fake death of his fake girlfriend.
Jared in the Hot Seat: Chris Harrison doesn’t think Jared is over Kaitlyn, but when he asks, Jared plays it cool saying, “I am moving on. I am excited to see her and it will be hard to see her.” The best way to move on from a reality-TV girlfriend? Another reality-TV girlfriend this time on Bachelor in Paradise.
Ben H. in the Hot Seat: Poor Ben H. Turns out that if he had skipped just one shower he could have been a contender. Apparently ,when they were in San Antonio, a.k.a. the Romance Capital of Western Bexar County, Ben and Shawn were roomies and Kaitlyn came to pay them a visit. When Ben H. opted for personal hygiene instead of interpersonal hijinx, Kaitlyn told Shawn he was “the one” and Ben H. never had a chance. Hope it was a good shower, at least!
Kaitlyn in the Hot Seat: The men have a few questions for their collective ex-girlfriend. Jonathan wants to know why Kaitlyn decided to bring Nick onto the show, and she shuts him down — very sweetly — by reminding him that he voted for Britt. Ben H. wants to know why she told Shawn about sleeping with Nick, but not him. She apologized, but basically she just was more into Shawn and wanted him to know the truth. Jared wants to know if their much-discussed “road trip” was a euphemism for anything, and she winked at him and said no. More or less, anyway. Kaitlyn cut off any more debate by saying: “You guys, try and date this many people at one time and don’t make a mistake and have it all televised. I dare you. It’s hard.”
Just Say No to Cyber-Slut-Shaming: Kaitlyn is the first Bachelorette in Bachelorette history to be very overt in her sexuality, and because of that she has been getting death threats. Seriously. Death threats for admitting to having sex with a guy she was dating. Chris Harrison decides to use the illustrious forum of The Men Tell All to make a serious point about cyberbullying. He reads aloud some of the more disturbing tweets Kaitlyn has received — and they are some doozies (primarily sent by people who don’t know the difference between “your” and “you’re.” Kaitlyn looked suitably horrified at the NSFW comments sent to her and the audience is stunned into complete silence, until a girl in the crowd yells, “We still love you!” and the audience and her former suitors give her a standing ovation. Then Chris Harrison kindly tells her: “I will take you as a role model for my kids over anybody who would be a cyberbully and spew that kind of hate.”
Worst Thing About the Show: Not enough Tony the Healer. How’s he doing? Has he found peace? Where are his plants?
Best Blooper: If you can’t make it to the theater to see Amy Schumer in Trainwreck, just watch this clip on a loop until the movie comes out on Netflix.