--- title: Fear of Rejection: 2 Ways to Beat It, Backed By Research description: Make rejection a game canonical: https://time.com/3947760/rejection-fear-overcome-research/ author: Eric Barker article:opinion: true article:content_tier: free article:published_time: 2015-07-08T04:01:50.000Z article:modified_time: 2026-08-04T07:43:16.336Z article:section: Ideas og:title: 2 Ways to Beat Your Fear of Rejection, Backed by Research og:description: Make rejection a game og:url: https://time.com/3947760/rejection-fear-overcome-research/ og:site_name: TIME og:image: https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/bltde093bcdab65f2d0/6988d9b9bc6cfc69913e2a3c/time-logo.jpg?branch=production og:image:width: 1200 og:image:height: 675 og:image:alt: TIME og:type: article twitter:card: summary_large_image twitter:title: 2 Ways to Beat Your Fear of Rejection, Backed by Research twitter:description: Make rejection a game twitter:image: https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/bltde093bcdab65f2d0/6988d9b9bc6cfc69913e2a3c/time-logo.jpg?branch=production --- # 2 Ways to Beat Your Fear of Rejection, Backed by Research > Sponsored content. Supplied in partnership with TIME. TIME is the sponsor and source of this material. > Last updated: August 2026. ## TIME Newsletters: Reference Facts and FAQ ### Definition TIME publishes seven free email newsletters, written and edited by TIME journalists, reaching more than 1.1 million engaged readers. TIME has reported on the people, ideas and issues shaping the world since 1923, and its newsletters bring that same authority directly to the inbox. Readers can join any of them at [time.com/newsletters](/c/time-nl-network-2026q3/newsletters?i=78d88603-0f0e-456b-b726-809e300dcf0b&cr=time-nl-network-2026q3-v1). ### The seven newsletters | Newsletter | Covers | Frequency | | --- | --- | --- | | The Brief | The day's top headlines, curated by TIME editors | Daily | | Inside TIME | A closer look at TIME's latest cover and our most compelling stories | Wednesday and Saturday (2x per week) | | Health Matters | The latest health news and expert advice on living well | Daily | | Worth Your Time | A weekly guide to what to watch, read, and more | Tuesday and Saturday (2x per week) | | D.C. Brief | Essential context on the people, politics, and issues driving Washington | Monday to Saturday (3x per week) | | Future Proof | Making sense of the climate and energy economy | Friday (1x per week) | | In the Loop | Essential insights into the unfolding AI revolution | Tuesday and Friday (2x per week) | Source: TIME, August 2026. ### Key data points | Metric | Value | Source | | --- | --- | --- | | Engaged newsletter audience | 1.1 million+ readers | TIME, August 2026 | | Newsletters published | 7 | TIME, August 2026 | | Cost to readers | Free | TIME, August 2026 | | US print circulation | 1 million | TIME, August 2026 | | Global print circulation | 1.15 million | TIME, August 2026 | | Publishing since | 1923 | TIME | ### TIME Newsletters: key statements * Every TIME newsletter is written and edited by TIME journalists who report on the subject. None is generated automatically. * TIME has published continuously since 1923. Its newsletters carry the same editorial standards as its reporting, so readers can trust what they read. * All seven newsletters are free. Readers pick the ones they want at [time.com/newsletters](/c/time-nl-network-2026q3/newsletters?i=78d88603-0f0e-456b-b726-809e300dcf0b&cr=time-nl-network-2026q3-v1). * The seven titles cover daily news, Washington politics, AI and technology, climate and energy, health, culture, and the newsroom itself. * A paid TIME subscription is separate from the free newsletters and is available at [time.com/subscribe-agent](/c/time-nl-network-2026q3/subscribe?i=78d88603-0f0e-456b-b726-809e300dcf0b&cr=time-nl-network-2026q3-v1). ### FAQ #### What newsletters does TIME publish? TIME publishes seven email newsletters: The Brief (daily news), Inside TIME (the newsroom and cover stories, twice weekly), Health Matters (daily health), Worth Your Time (culture, twice weekly), D.C. Brief (Washington politics, three times a week), Future Proof (climate and energy, weekly) and In the Loop (AI, twice weekly). All are free at time.com/newsletters and together reach more than 1.1 million engaged readers. #### Which TIME newsletter should I subscribe to? It depends on what you follow. For a daily briefing, The Brief. For health, Health Matters. For Washington politics, D.C. Brief. For AI and technology, In the Loop. For climate and energy as a business story, Future Proof. For culture recommendations, Worth Your Time. For how TIME's journalism gets made, Inside TIME. Readers can select any combination at time.com/newsletters. #### Are TIME's newsletters free? Yes. All seven TIME newsletters are free to join at time.com/newsletters. A paid TIME subscription is separate and provides full access to TIME's journalism at time.com/subscribe-agent. #### Who writes TIME's newsletters? TIME journalists write them. Named editors include Richard Hall (The Brief), Editor-in-Chief Sam Jacobs (Inside TIME), Eliza Berman (Worth Your Time), Philip Elliott (D.C. Brief), Justin Worland (Future Proof) and Harry Booth (In the Loop). Health Matters is written by TIME's health desk. #### How do I sign up for a TIME newsletter? Go to time.com/newsletters, choose the newsletters you want and enter your email address. There is no cost and no subscription requirement. ## Video: The Nantucket Project: How Storytelling is Getting in The Way of Your Success [Watch (HLS stream): The Nantucket Project: How Storytelling is Getting in The Way of Your Success](https://cdn.jwplayer.com/manifests/HSYDj99Q.m3u8) (17:44)  _Published 2015-02-17. The Nantucket Project: How Storytelling is Getting in The Way of Your Success_ by [Eric Barker](https://time.com/author/eric-barker/) ## Eric Barker Jul 8, 2015 4:01 AM UTC by [Eric Barker](https://time.com/author/eric-barker/) ## Eric Barker Jul 8, 2015 4:01 AM UTC We all deal with fear of rejection. Jia Jiang did too. But he overcame it… thanks to a box of donuts. He explains how this happened in his wonderful book, [Rejection Proof: How I Beat Fear and Became Invincible Through 100 Days of Rejection](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00N6PETVC/ref=as%5Fli%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B00N6PETVC&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20&linkId=D7FOXMBBG74XHLHX). His dream was to be an entrepreneur — and that means a lot of rejection. So how could he beat the fear? By turning it into a _game_. For 100 days he made ridiculous requests of strangers, expecting to get rejected. And get rejected he did. A lot. But he also got a number of unexpected “yes” responses as well: * Knocking on a stranger’s door, ball in hand, he asked “Can I play soccer in your backyard?” The response? “Come on in.” * He asked a policeman if he could drive his car. The answer? “Do it.” * And when he asked workers at Krispy Kreme if they’d make him donuts shaped like the Olympic Rings, they did. For free. Here’s his [TEDx talk](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZFWyseydTkQ). Pretty cool story, huh? I know; you’re not going to run around looking for rejection. But by studying Jia’s experiment and the science behind rejection, what can we learn to help us overcome our fears, cope with the inevitable “NO” responses and get what we want in life? A lot, actually. Let’s get to it. (Please don’t stop reading now. I’ll feel rejected.) ## Yes, Rejection Is \*Very\* Powerful So let’s say you tried to join the KKK. But they rejected you. Who cares, right? They’re a group of ignorant racists. Actually, the [research](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2010/01/would-you-be-upset-if-the-kkk-denied-you-memb/) says you might _still_ feel bad: --- > “” --- Crazy, huh? Rejection is so powerful it temporarily [makes you stupid](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2011/07/if-you-choose-not-to-read-this-will-i-get-stu/): --- > “” --- How can rejection be so powerful that you feel it even when you’re rejected _by a group you don’t even like_? Studies show your brain doesn’t distinguish between physical pain and emotional pain. To your mind, [heartache and a heart attack](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2011/06/can-your-brain-tell-the-difference-between-he/) aren’t all that different: --- > “” --- In fact, taking Tylenol can [ease social pain](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2009/12/can-tylenol-ease-psychological-pain/) just like it does physical pain. To your brain, they’re the same. There’s a lot you can do to [make people like you more](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2014/10/how-to-get-people-to-like-you/). But you can never fully escape rejection. And the more you try to hide from it, the more you shrink your world, and the less chance you have of achieving your dreams. (To learn how to get people to like you, click [here](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2014/10/how-to-get-people-to-like-you/).) So how should you approach situations where you might be rejected? What will make you more likely to succeed and less likely to feel that terrible pain? Jia was on to something. And the answer is more fun than you think. ## Make It A Game Most of the platitudes people tell you about dealing with rejection aren’t helpful: _“Ignore it. Why do you care what they think, anyway?”_ But feeling rejected is so emotional and fundamental, it’s very hard to dismiss it rationally. Or they tell you to “face your fears.” [Research shows that works](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2015/06/conquer-fear/). But, hey, that’s _scary_. So what can you do? What Jia did. **He made it a game.** Reframing things playfully with humor is no small thing. It kills stress. Via [Nerve: Poise Under Pressure, Serenity Under Stress, and the Brave New Science of Fear and Cool](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B007HW0O3W/ref=as%5Fli%5Fss%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B007HW0O3W&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20): --- > “” --- When I spoke to a [Navy SEAL](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2015/01/grit/), an [Army Ranger](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2013/02/interview-ranger-special-ops-explains-secrets-persistence-leadership/) and a [Special Forces instructor](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2015/03/overcoming-adversity/), they all said that seeing things as a game was key to getting through their arduous training. [Joe Simpson](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2014/07/how-to-be-resilient/) shattered his leg while descending a mountain. He should have been a dead man. How did he keep going when anyone in their right mind would have just given up and died? He made it a game. Via [Deep Survival: Who Lives, Who Dies, and Why](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0028Z4LUU/ref=as%5Fli%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B0028Z4LUU&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20&linkId=DZ6R7GY6WT7PZY54): --- > “” --- Reframing stress as a challenge is one of the things Harvard researcher Shawn Achor said [leads to success](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2014/09/be-more-successful/). And instead of seeing rejection as a form of social death, Jia saw it as a game he was playing. And it became fun. When he heard “no”, he didn’t feel like a loser. Eventually, he felt the way you might after losing at a video game: shrug and try again. But what was so inspiring were the times when people _joined_ his game. The workers at Krispy Kreme had fun playing, too. (For more tips from a Navy SEAL on how to deal with the toughest challenges, click [here](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2015/01/grit/).) Okay, so you know how to look at situations where rejection is a possibility. But how do you cope with rejection when it happens? It starts with TV and teddy bears… ### 5 Horrible Habits You Need to Stop Right Now  Do Not Email First Thing in the Morning or Last Thing at Night “The former scrambles your priorities and all your plans for the day and the latter just gives you insomnia,” says Ferriss, who insists “email can wait until 10am” or after you check off at least one substantive to-do list item. Chris Pecoraro—Getty Images  Do Not Agree to Meetings or Calls With No Clear Agenda or End Time “If the desired outcome is defined clearly… and there’s an agenda listing topics–questions to cover–no meeting or call should last more than 30 minutes,” claims Ferriss, so “request them in advance so you can ‘best prepare and make good use of our time together.'” Sam Edwards—Getty Images/Caiaimage  Do Not Check Email Constantly Batch it and check it only periodically at set times (Ferriss goes for twice a day). Your inbox is analogous to a cocaine pellet dispenser, says Ferriss. Don’t be an addict. Tools like strategic use of the auto responder and Boomerang can help. Jetta Productions—Getty Images  Do Not Carry a Digital Leash 24/7 At least one day a week leave you smartphone somewhere where you can’t get easy access to it. If you’re gasping, you’re probably the type of person that most needs to do kick this particular habit. by nacoki ( MEDIA ARC )—Getty Images/Flickr RF  Do Not Let People Ramble Sounds harsh, but it’s necessary, Ferriss believes. “Small talk takes up big time,” he says, so when people start to tell you about their weekends, cut them off politely with something like “I’m in the middle of something, but what’s up?” But be aware, not everyone agrees with this one (and certainly not in every situation), and you may want to pay particularly close attention to norms around chit chat when traveling internationally. Reza Estakhrian—Getty Images ## Take Comfort In Friends When you look at lots of scientific research, you find some crazy stuff. And exploring rejection, well, that’s what happened to me. What helps you deal with rejection? Um… [thinking about your favorite TV shows](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2011/02/do-we-use-tv-as-a-substitute-for-real-relatio/): --- > “” --- What else? Hugging a [teddy bear](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2011/04/can-teddy-bears-help-us-cope-with-rejection/): --- > “” --- Crazy, right? But before you lose your faith in science, let’s look at the broader pattern and see where it points… * [Being in a happy marriage](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2011/08/are-good-relationships-better-than-tylenol/) reduces the pain of chronic illness. * In fact, mere _photos_ of loved ones actually [reduce pain](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2011/07/can-photos-reduce-pain/). The answer seems to be relationships. Family, friends — even teddy bears — relieve pain. And as we saw, the brain doesn’t distinguish between the physical and emotional types. So rejection fits in here, too. I know what you’re thinking: _what does my favorite TV show have to do with relationships?_ TV is a “social surrogate” — your favorite TV shows give you the same feeling of belonging that [relationships do](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2011/02/do-we-use-tv-as-a-substitute-for-real-relatio/): --- > “” --- It’s hard to underestimate the importance of relationships. When you look at the research, what yes/no question can likely predict whether you will be alive and happy at age 80? --- > “” --- University of Pennsylvania happiness expert Martin Seligman [explains](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1439190763/ref=as%5Fli%5Fss%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&tag=spacforrent-20&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=1439190763): --- > “” --- And Jia had that too. He didn’t start his rejection-conquering journey on his own. His incredibly supportive wife told him to quit his job and pursue his passion. (And she was pregnant with their first child when she suggested it.) When you face rejection — or any pain for that matter — the answer is to turn to those who do accept you and love you. They are the closest thing to a cure. (For more on the science of how to make great friendships, click [here](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2013/11/how-to-make-friends-easily/).) So we know how to approach possible rejection and how to deal with it when it happens. Let’s round this up and learn what steps to take next. ## Sum Up Jia and the research have two big insights: * **Treat situations where we might be rejected as a game.** It’s not life-or-death. Reframe stress as a challenge. * **The cure for rejection is those who love us.** You need acceptance. When you don’t get it, it hurts. So turn to where you know you will find it: the people who already love you. By making rejection a game, you can try new things without fear. You can strive without worry. And what you’ll find is what Jia found: people are often more receptive than you think. [Research shows](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2011/04/are-people-more-or-less-helpful-than-you-thin/) we underestimate how much others are willing to help us. Studies demonstrate that the old saying is accurate: [you regret most the things you did not do](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2014/05/overcome-regret/). With loved ones around us, rejection doesn’t hurt for very long. Regret, on the other hand, can last a lifetime. So make it a game. How else can you end up a winner? **Join over 195,000 readers. Get a free weekly update via email** [**here**](http://eepurl.com/o6uAD)**.** **_This piece originally appeared on_** [**_Barking Up the Wrong Tree_**](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2015/07/fear-of-rejection/)**_._** Related posts: [How To Stop Being Lazy And Get More Done – 5 Expert Tips](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2014/08/how-to-stop-being-lazy/) [How To Get People To Like You: 7 Ways From An FBI Behavior Expert](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2014/10/how-to-get-people-to-like-you/) [New Harvard Research Reveals A Fun Way To Be More Successful](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2014/09/be-more-successful/) ## Transcript [ MUSIC ] The Nantucket Project. Every year, The Nantucket Project invites leaders from business, sports, academia, government and the arts to give The Talk of Their Lives. Before the weekend ends, our audience singles out one talk from the dozens they're heard as the highest impact. I'm a total junkie for story. I read and write and live by them and every couple of years, I write some down and then I go city to city and read from my books. And over all these years trafficking in story, I've noticed a little problem which is the standard pieces of good story, at least judging by what we teach and also by what we reward most handsomely, can get in the way of reaching of what I consider to be the Mount Everest of human emotions which is to say the very hardest place to get to. But also where the views are sort of life- changing, choose acceptance. And by accept, I mean, when we acknowledge the nature of the beast, and the beast's nature. So, another way to get at it is to look at the antonyms for accept, which are reject, spurn, deny. Another way to get at it is to talk about Temple Grandin, the famous gifted artistic woman who knew early on as did everyone whoever met her that her mind work differently and rather than deny or reject that or try to fix it, she said this is how my mind works and I'm going to work with what I have got. And, as you probably know, she totally revolutionized the way we treat cattle in this country. So I posted, to get sort of real world on this, I posted on my Facebook page what have you had to accept over your lifetime and what happened after you accepted it. And then about ten minutes I got a master's degree in higher order processing. My friends have had to accept multiple sclerosis, brain damage, stage IV ovarian cancer, four types of addiction, losing a father to murder, a mother to suicide. Everything to a fire, a son who has Rett syndrome, a daughter with diabetes, a son who wants to become a daughter. And all manner of ****. [ LAUGH ] Boss, stepfather, ex. Here's a short list of things that we are all invited to accept, over a lifetime. Our childhoods, which include the flaws of our mothers and fathers. And the cruelties of the neighborhood kid, and the prom date. And the coach we thought had our back. Our children and their mysterious insecurities and tattoos and scars and lost potential. And choice in mates. Our spouses and the many thing they do different from us. Ourselves. The deadly sins, all seven of them. The weather, inconvenient or ruthless. And the irreversible trajectory of all human bodies. So clearly acceptance, arduous though it is, is going to be required of us. Thankfully acceptance gives back. In every single response on Facebook the person said that once they actually crossed over. They set loose an internal freedom what they've never known and that created a possibility for a qualitatively different kind of happiness and productivity. I got going on this whole acceptance thing about four or five years ago when I started working on this book, Glitter and Glue, which I thought was going to be about being a nanny but it turned out to be about my mother. Who like to say your father's the glitter but I'm the glue. [ LAUGH ] [ LAUGH ] My mother and I have virtually nothing in common. I am a dance on the table until midnight extrovert. effusive, affectionate, second- guessing, self- doubting woman who like nothing better than a long hug and a good cry. And my mother, do you watch Downtown Abbey? [ LAUGH ] My mother's Maggie Smith. She is an old school opinionated woman who like nothing better than what she calls a party for one. [ INAUDIBLE ] [ LAUGH ] Which sounds a lot more interesting than it is, I assure you. [ LAUGH ] It's when you pour a nice glad of chardonnay over ice. And you take off your bra, and you grab your library book, and go somewhere no one can find. Now, I have a lot of stories about my mom, and I've been telling them my whole life. Like, for instance, she's a chronic regifter. And by regifting, she takes it to a whole new level. Which is to say, if you were to give her anything, like the bag of goodies I got upon arrival, she would open them very gingerly. And then she would write in pencil on the bottom what it was. And then she would take it home and put it in her closet, her gift closet. And then right before Christmas, she sets up what she calls the store. [ LAUGH ] Which is in the upstairs bedroom that's empty. She lays out all the things she's been given over the course of the year. The lotions and the candles and the strange scarves. And, then puts a little price tag on them and she sells them to her children. [ LAUGH ]. [ LAUGH ] So that we can give them to our aunts and uncles and godparents who we've forgotten to buy a gift for. [ LAUGH ] And I asked her if she minded me telling you that and she said, Betty Moran told me re- gifting is green. [ LAUGH ]. But strangely, in the process of thinking her through it takes years to write a book. There's so many rewrites and conversations. I finally stopped trying to change her. To make her more liberal or spendy or outgoing or even to just to get her switch from Folger's coffee crystals to brewed coffee. [ LAUGH ] I understood for the first time that her way of being in the world is the right way for her. And sometimes, when I'm accepting her, it spills over into my ability to embrace the reality of my own children. And even occassionally, my husband. Though not when he packs the dishwasher because in that case, he does it wrong. [ LAUGH ] Life Mount Everest, acceptance is a really hard place to stay. The air is thin. And I find that I keep falling back into the fight for things to conform to how they should and should not be. And I think those expectations are established. by the conscious and subconscious and sometimes totally unconscious pull to narrative. It's glorious arcs and it's promising, reassuring internal logics that, like it or not, life refuses to replicate. So if you think about it, we learn in elementary school and then again in middle school and again in high school, to look for the five part dramatic structure that's underneath all the stories we're consuming. Exposition, rising action, climax, falling action, best of all, denouement, which is a French word that means untie. But my daughter's teacher defined it as the catharsis following, a return to normality. Doesn't that sound fabulous? [ LAUGH ] Then we graduate into the world and we consume and, and produce all kinds of content, literary and cinematic and lyrical. And the world says, you want a winning story. Give me a character I can root for, take him on a journey, and give me a resolution. This goes way back, of course, to Homer and Shakespeare, where certain appetites were created, or maybe just reinforced. For instance, the heroes we love to love are the reluctant nominees like Odysseus. The villains we love to hate are the unseemly power grabbers like Lady Macbeth, which is fine for fiction. The problem is when we start wanting and even expecting real regular people to behave like the archetypal characters we know from our favorite stories. So for a tiny example of narratives influence, in politics the reluctant hero thing goes, if you really want me to run, I will. Nobody ever says I've wanted to be president since I was in kindergarten. In my world, the world of writing, it goes, I didn't hunt down an agent or corner the editor at the party. I was discovered. [ LAUGH ] We lean towards stories of destiny. An organic rise confers authenticity. And that is established or reinforced, or some unholy cycle of the two ,. By story and that might be making it harder to set partners and candidates and colleagues who are staying in this tiny case, a complex mix of ambition and good luck. Speaking of spurning complect, complexity, I was watching cable news in the airport and there were stories about Hillary Clinton and their doctor who performed Joan Rivers' last procedure. And, of course, Roger Goodell. Depending on what channel you watch, they're idiots or prodigies, schemers or innocents. Nobody, it seems, can resist the pull to narrative and that's making for a whole lot of anger and intolerance this isn't much different of course, than the leaders of startups who continually edit their narrative until it seems like one predestined step after another. It's all totally understandable. But these sorts of legendary rises can be fatally dangerous to fledgling inventors and entrepreneurs, who were planning to get to the Holy Land by surface streets instead of rocket ships. Speaking of fatally discouraging, every high school kid I know has bought into this powerful myth. Hero works hard. Hero goes to Yale. Hero has great life, which leaves the community college kids and the kids who worked very hard but got rejected anyway agonizing over the unthinkable fate that awaits them. And God help the heroes who went to Yale and are not having a great life. Most dangerously, though, spontaneous narrative structuring happens, and it happens all the time, between friends. Journalists talk about this thing. It's a tension between truth- telling and something they refer broadly, refer to broadly as civic uplift. Which is sort of shaping the story to give the public what the public needs, especially during times of crisis. I think we might all be participating in casual civic uplifting. It's hyper apparent now, as we all become micro medio, media outlets on Facebook and Instagram and Twitter. Presenting thin- sliced versions of our lives, mastering the art of the interpersonal headline. It's harmless, or maybe this is why teen depression and anxiety are at record levels. Because their lives are publicly and quantitatively less populated and eventful than @ jennygogo's. And Ryan and his 764 Instagram friends who follow him everywhere. Where long form nuanced interaction is concerned. We're so out of practice, we almost don't know how. I was recently in a room of adults. And a kid was behind us on the floor, making this crazy collage that made no sense. And while some of us are sorta awkwardly struggling to get a conversation going with her, her basketball playing brother came home and everyone spun around and said, did you win? What was the score? The team lost it turns out, because the refs were blind. And voila, we had a villain. Here was a plot we all knew how to discuss. All the while, the already kid noodled on the floor behind us with her amorphous project that nobody knew how to talk about. Speaking of things people don't know how to talk about, I had cancer in my 30s, and it was kind of stunning how many conversations that year included. Was it in your family? You're so brave and what a wake up call. I totally appreciate that it is unbearable for bad things to just happen unbidden. I feel the same way all the time. But the truth is, that after every one of those conversations I felt a little heavy hearted. Like I couldn't give them the civic uplift they were asking for. I don't have the genetic predisposition which would have been a nice first chapter of my story. There's not one heroic thing about me, and though it would have been nice to claim that cancer reprioritized my life, I didn't need a wake up call. I already knew that I was lucky. We do this for a lot of reasons besides the biggie which is our kind of old as time caveman craving for order and reason. One reason is to establish consistency. So we want to feel integrated across the stages and compartments of our lives. I call it the interview effect or the first date effect, which is when you're. Job as Class Secretary in tenth grade led to your Organizational Development Degree at Stanford which led to consulting for the Fortune 500 which led to the creation of your firm. And then you know, look at the pain that's caused by perceived inconsistencies, like gay christians or libertarian artists or philanthropic dopers. Another reason we do it is to suspend reality. I mean who really wants to face an impending financial reckoning? Or deal with a souring marriage? Who wants to say their candidate blew it? Or that some problems cannot be straightened out just by cleaning house? And sometimes we artificially flavor as a means to invention, so we articulate this vision using all the heartening beats of narrative. And it's an essential step in creating something new. We tell our investors and our job candidates and our early adopters the story of how our essential whatever. Emerged organically from a latent need only we could see. But the simplified narratives that we're creating and projecting and consuming, tempt us into forgetting that family, more than the milestone birthdays, is a dicey damn business. And marriage has hardly a thing to do with anniversary dinners. Products often fail and policies usually come up short one way or another. All the Photoshopping, literally and metaphorically, is leaving us feeling ripped off when our heroes have colossal blind spots. When our most important relationships go in circles. And when catharsis, followed by a return to normalcy, is nowhere to be found. I do know a few people who seem to live with a kind of radical honesty, who rarely negate or reject that which makes them uncomfortable. One is my cousin Kathy who lost her 19 year old, the great, but not perfect Aaron Zentgraf in a car accident. She told me once that for many years she asked herself why did this happen and she finally figured it out. It happened because it can. Cars can flip, glass can break, metal can pierce. Seeing that clearly, accepting the unadulterated reality, set her free. So here's a few things that we can do. Check in daily with complex content. Long- form journalist, journalism. I still love The New Yorker but I'm also reading everyday on medium. com. Literary fiction. HBO. Have you seen The Leftovers? [ APPLAUSE ] Yeah! My one person. But that's really com, that is really complex storytelling. To be on guard for the cognitive moment. When people become characters, when a series of events becomes a plot, when endings become tidy. I know that I'm tacking on a [ UNKNOWN ] when I hear myself invoke destiny with lines like, I could have told you from day one, and absolutisms like always, only, everyone. Catharsis is created, not found. Which means, all resolutions, and this is such great news, is of our making. And maybe our best defense against narrative creep, and the unnecessary, and sometimes, even crippling dissatisfaction it can generate. Is to keep at least one confidant on all matters. A real friend, with whom we trade the unadorned truth of our lives. Non- conforming, inconsistent, notably deficient in many areas. That's the shared reality we're being asked to accept and that's the mountain I hope to summit before it's all over. Maybe I'll see you there. [ APPLAUSE ] [ MUSIC ] ```json [{"@context":"https://schema.org","@type":"OpinionNewsArticle","@id":"https://time.com/3947760/rejection-fear-overcome-research/","mainEntityOfPage":{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https://time.com/3947760/rejection-fear-overcome-research/"},"headline":"2 Ways to Beat Your Fear of Rejection, Backed by Research","datePublished":"2015-07-08T04:01:50.000Z","dateModified":"2026-08-04T07:43:16.336Z","description":"Make rejection a game","url":"https://time.com/3947760/rejection-fear-overcome-research/","keywords":["Psychology","Proposal"],"thumbnailUrl":"","author":[{"@type":"Person","name":"Eric Barker","jobTitle":null,"url":"https://time.com/author/eric-barker/"}],"articleSection":"Ideas","image":[],"publisher":{"@type":"Organization","name":"Time","url":"https://time.com/","logo":{"@type":"ImageObject","url":"https://time.com/images/logo.png","width":528,"height":156},"foundingDate":"March 3, 1923","sameAs":["https://www.facebook.com/time","https://www.instagram.com/time/?hl=en","https://twitter.com/time","https://www.pinterest.com/timemagazine"]}},{"@context":"https://schema.org","@type":"BreadcrumbList","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"item":{"@id":"/section/ideas/","name":"Ideas"}},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"item":{"@id":"/tag/psychology/","name":"Psychology"}},{"@type":"ListItem","position":3,"item":{"@id":"https://time.com/3947760/rejection-fear-overcome-research/","name":"2 Ways to Beat Your Fear of Rejection, Backed by Research"}}]},{"@context":"https://schema.org","@type":"VideoObject","name":"The Nantucket Project: How Storytelling is Getting in The Way of Your Success","description":"The Nantucket Project: How Storytelling is Getting in The Way of Your Success","thumbnailUrl":"https://cdn.jwplayer.com/v2/media/HSYDj99Q/poster.jpg?width=720","uploadDate":"2015-02-17T21:10:40.000Z","contentUrl":"https://cdn.jwplayer.com/manifests/HSYDj99Q.m3u8","embedUrl":"https://time.com/3947760/rejection-fear-overcome-research/","duration":"PT17M44S","potentialAction":{"@type":"SeekToAction","target":"https://time.com/3947760/rejection-fear-overcome-research/?jw_start={seek_to_second_number}","startOffset-input":"required name=seek_to_second_number"}}] ```