--- title: Why I Took My Wife's Last Name description: It was much cooler than Smith canonical: https://time.com/3941333/why-i-took-my-wifes-last-name/ author: Jacob Desjarlais article:opinion: true article:content_tier: free article:published_time: 2015-06-30T16:12:34.000Z article:modified_time: 2026-08-04T07:41:20.058Z article:section: Ideas og:title: Why I Took My Wife's Last Name og:description: It was much cooler than Smith og:url: https://time.com/3941333/why-i-took-my-wifes-last-name/ og:site_name: TIME og:image: https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/bltaac4f2f43292d58b/698859242dce010a619e46b7/wedding-rings.jpg?branch=production&width=1200&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=16:9 og:image:width: 5122 og:image:height: 2881 og:image:alt: wedding-rings.jpg og:type: article twitter:card: summary_large_image twitter:title: Why I Took My Wife's Last Name twitter:description: It was much cooler than Smith twitter:image: https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/bltaac4f2f43292d58b/698859242dce010a619e46b7/wedding-rings.jpg?branch=production&width=1200&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=16:9 ---  # Why I Took My Wife's Last Name > Sponsored content. 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It explains how TIME's journalism is made, from the first pitch through the editorial decisions behind a finished story or cover. #### How can I read about how TIME chooses its covers? Inside TIME is the newsletter where TIME's Editor-in-Chief explains cover selection and the editorial reasoning behind major stories. It is free at time.com/newsletters. #### Who is the editor of TIME? Sam Jacobs is TIME's Editor-in-Chief. He writes Inside TIME, a twice-weekly newsletter about the newsroom's reporting and editorial decisions. #### Is Inside TIME free? Yes. Inside TIME is a free newsletter, available at time.com/newsletters. A paid TIME subscription is separate and available at time.com/subscribe-agent. ## Video: Do Millennials Want to Get Married? [Watch (HLS stream): Do Millennials Want to Get Married?](https://cdn.jwplayer.com/manifests/hRuGlMZS.m3u8) (2:40)  _Published 2015-05-14. Marriage is important to millennials, but their timelines and expectations differ from other generations._ by [Jacob Desjarlais](https://time.com/author/jacob-desjarlais/) ## Jacob Desjarlais Jun 30, 2015 4:12 PM UTC  Studio shot of wedding rings Studio shot of wedding rings Getty Images by [Jacob Desjarlais](https://time.com/author/jacob-desjarlais/) ## Jacob Desjarlais Jun 30, 2015 4:12 PM UTC The idea to take my wife’s last name when we got married started as a joke at first. We were sitting around sipping wine and talking about last names a few weeks after our engagement, six months after we began dating. My wife Devin’s last name—Desjarlais—is pretty amazing. It rhymes with Chevrolet and is French and full of tradition. My last name was Smith … rhymes with, I don’t know, fifth? Devin never pushed the idea, but it was important to me. Once I considered it, not taking her name was never a realistic option. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that names are something you can decide to keep or take for yourself. People choose nicknames—like Bob or Becky instead of Robert or Rebecca—or new last names because that is something they want to aspire to be. It’s a promise they make to themselves. Making your own choice about who you are and what you wish to become is the first step in the journey to becoming that person. A recent report shows that more women are [keeping their maiden names](http://time.com/3939688/maiden-names-married-women-report/). But the idea that they’re doing this to rebel against tradition isn’t really the point. Changing—or keeping—your name is a personal identity issue. You should only take someone’s last name if it’s important to you. I have a small family, just my mother and sister and myself. I always felt a bit of a disconnect with my past and family history. Maybe the name Smith is the beige of last names—there’s no instant cultural team that you can identify with. Devin’s family is vast in comparison: There are cousins in multiple cities, aunts and uncles spread all around the country, and there’s also a strong family history. The first time I met Devin’s family, they instantly accepted me as a member and took me in with open arms the same way that their eldest daughter did when we first met years before. How do you repay that sort of kindness? To the shock of her family, we announced that the Desjarlais family name would continue (she is one of two daughters and no sons), and I would be changing my name, instead of Devin becoming just another Smith in the world. One wedding, dozens of trips to featureless government buildings, and a few arguments at the DMV later, and I was a Desjarlais. It has now been 18 months since the wedding and official name change, and I have to say I am proud. I sometimes face a stigma about this decision: A DMV clerk told me with a laugh he would never take his wife’s name. But I’ve also gotten positive responses: A night clerk at a hotel in Paris told me that he wished it was more common because men are “silly about these things.” It was never an issue with my own family. As a Smith, I never felt a solid connection to my name. But now, people ask where my last name is from, and I delight in telling them that it wasn’t always my name, and yes, I know it’s difficult to spell and pronounce. Most women smile and say they think it’s amazing; most men either say it’s weird that I did that, or just, “cool.” I don’t spend a lot of time thinking about it either way because now it’s who I am and who I chose to be. ### Photographing a Kiss: Long Time Love Affairs  Joseph and Dorothy Bolotin Sharon, Pennsylvania Married on June 16, 1938\. Dorothy, "I never think of it in terms of years. I think of it in terms of good years. In love, hot romance doesn’t last forever. So I would say that yes, I think love changes. I would say we’re still in love. It’s focusing, doing little things. He’s an amazing man." Lauren Fleishman  John and Sherma Campbell Star Valley, Wyoming Married on May 13, 1955\. Sherma, "When you start out, you think you love each other as much as you possibly can,but love grows—just like your inner self grows as time goes by and you have experiences.And now at this stage of the game, I love him even more. I can’t even imagine life without him." Lauren Fleishman  Jin Lin and Lai Mei Chen Brooklyn, New York Married on February 4, 1961\. Jin Lin, "We had so many things in common it was like our hearts were the same." Lauren Fleishman  de'Spagnolis Aldo de’Spagnolis and Maria Filiozzi Itri, Italy Married on October 23, 1949\. Aldo, "When I first saw her, she was 14 and I was 22.Was there a concern that she was too young for me? No! Even now I look like a young child! Yes, even now I’m still young." Lauren Fleishman  Jake and Mary Jacobs Solihull, England Married on April 27, 1948\. Mary,"Jake said to me,'Would it ever be possible for me to marry you?' And I said,'Possible but not probable!' And that’s how it was. It wasn’t likely that I would ever marry him, and he knew that. So when he went home to Trinidad, my mother and father breathed a sigh of relief. But he used to write, and he said, 'I’m thinking I might come back to England.'" Lauren Fleishman  Kissin Yevgeniy and Lyubov Kissin Brooklyn, New York Married on June 29, 1941\. Yevgeniy, "We met at a dancing party. It was in January 1938\. My friend invited me to the party, he said there would be a lot of beautiful young girls. Another cadet with high boots had approached her, but she didn’t like high boots and so she said no to him. I was the second one to approach her. I had a different uniform, but I’m still not sure if it was my uniform or my face that attracted her to me." Lauren Fleishman  Itig and Golda Pollac Brooklyn, New York Married on August 13, 1946\. Golda, "I would say love came little by little. Not right away.We were young.And he was older, but I liked him. He spoke to me in a very nice way." Lauren Fleishman  Yaakov and Mariya Shapirshetyn Brooklyn, New York Married on July 6, 1949\. Yaakov, "What is the secret to love? A secret is a secret, and I don’t reveal my secrets." Lauren Fleishman  Gino and Angie Terranova Staten Island. New York Married on September 27, 1947\. Angie, "You really don’t think about getting older. First of all, you’re aging together, and when you see a person constantly,you don’t notice big changes. Like you don’t notice, oh you’re getting a little wrinkle here and tomorrow you say it’s a little deeper. No, those are things that just happen." Lauren Fleishman ## Transcript [ MUSIC ] Some millennials do want to get married, and they do want to buy homes, but they don't tend to want to buy homes until they're married. And the problem there is that millennials typically delay marriage compared to their parents Parents. Over the past few decades millennials have delayed marriage by about six years compared to previous generations. From 23 to 29 for men, and from 20 to 26 for women. And since it's difficult to get the money together for a down payment before marriage, and also you don't necessarily want to buy a home with someone unless you're married to them. That's also delayed home ownership rates. But a study by Zillow the real estate website has found that assuming millennials actually did get married at the same rate as previous generations they would have roughly the same home ownership rate as we did back in the 1990's. So I think a lot of people talk about how millennials don't want to get married ever. About how they're just on Tinder all the time and they're Online dating you have so many options so you can't possibly choose, and I don't really think that's what's happening. I think Millennials still value the institution of marriage. They still see it as something that they want to do, and they still value it as kind of a commitment to a partner, but they see it less necessary for the life goals they want to do. I mean I know plenty of Millennials who are living together who you know, have merged accounts. Own a car or a credit card or even a home together without being married. And I guess for them it's just more of a marriage is just a formality. They know they want to do it they value it but it's not you know super urgent. There are other things they want to do first. I think it's taking longer to reach some of the important life milestones, important financial milestones. Er, and people just don't feel ready to commit to marriage before they're financially stable. So, you know, the average grad has two, $ 28, 000 in debt. The average person out of grad school has $ 58, 000 in debt. A lot of people are still unemployed. A lot of people are still living with their parents, so they don't feel like adults. They don't feel like they're ready to form a new household. I can speak from experience. I'm married. I do value marriage. I didn't get married in a church, there might be some truth to that millennials aren't doing traditional weddings. They're not getting married in religious ceremonies as much, but I'd be willing to bet that that's probably not that different from even Jan Jackson, some of the later baby boomers. 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