--- title: The Secret to Never Being Frustrated Again description: It’s as simple as ABCD canonical: https://time.com/3774106/never-being-frustrated-again/ author: Eric Barker article:opinion: true article:content_tier: free article:published_time: 2015-04-08T04:01:27.000Z article:modified_time: 2026-05-11T04:49:40.388Z article:section: Ideas og:title: The Secret to Never Being Frustrated Again og:description: It’s as simple as ABCD og:url: https://time.com/3774106/never-being-frustrated-again/ og:site_name: TIME og:image: https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/bltde093bcdab65f2d0/6988d9b9bc6cfc69913e2a3c/time-logo.jpg?branch=production og:image:width: 1200 og:image:height: 675 og:image:alt: TIME og:type: article twitter:card: summary_large_image twitter:title: The Secret to Never Being Frustrated Again twitter:description: It’s as simple as ABCD twitter:image: https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/bltde093bcdab65f2d0/6988d9b9bc6cfc69913e2a3c/time-logo.jpg?branch=production --- # The Secret to Never Being Frustrated Again by [Eric Barker](https://time.com/author/eric-barker/) ## Eric Barker Apr 8, 2015 4:01 AM UTC by [Eric Barker](https://time.com/author/eric-barker/) ## Eric Barker Apr 8, 2015 4:01 AM UTC We all get frustrated. The guy in front of you is driving like an idiot. Your boss is being a jerk. Your partner isn’t listening. And sometimes these all happen to you _on the same day_. What’s the fix for this? One guy came up with a solution that deals with all of these problems — and more. Albert Ellis was quite a character. He was controversial. Outspoken. A bit of a rebel. In fact, the book he’s most famous for was titled: [How To Stubbornly Refuse To Make Yourself Miserable About Anything-yes, Anything](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B008FQJOG2/ref=as%5Fli%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B008FQJOG2&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20&linkId=IQZAYGLTIZ26C7TQ). Clever but a bit unprofessional, right? Here’s the thing: according to a [survey](http://psycnet.apa.org/?&fa=main.doiLanding&doi=10.1037/0003-066X.37.7.802) of psychologists he was the 2nd most influential psychotherapist ever. Sigmund Freud came in _third_. Here’s what [Wikipedia](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rational%5Femotive%5Fbehavior%5Ftherapy) says about his system: --- > “” --- His stuff works. And it’s as simple as ABCD — quite literally, as you’ll see below. So how can you never be frustrated again? Let’s break it down. ## The Tyranny Of “Should” Let’s cut to the chase, shall we? Here’s what you need to take away from Ellis’ work: **You don’t get frustrated because of events. You get frustrated because of your beliefs.** And where did this idea start? Ancient philosophy. [Stoicism](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2014/01/ancient-philosophers/). That’s where Ellis found the concept. And then he proved it really worked. Via [How To Stubbornly Refuse To Make Yourself Miserable About Anything-yes, Anything](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B008FQJOG2/ref=as%5Fli%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B008FQJOG2&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20&linkId=IQZAYGLTIZ26C7TQ): --- > “” --- You’re stuck in traffic and that makes you angry, right? Wrong. Traffic happens. But you think it shouldn’t happen to _you_. And the thing that’s making you miserable is that word “should.” Here’s an example. I say, “This headache remedy probably won’t work but give it a shot.” So you try it. And it doesn’t work. You’re not frustrated. Okay, same situation but I say, “This always works.” It fails. Now you’re annoyed. What changed? Your expectation. Or you tell a five-year old to stop yelling. They don’t listen. You don’t get that bothered. After all, the kid is five. But if you tell me to stop yelling and I don’t listen, you get angry. What’s different? “_Eric should stop. He’s an adult._” Again, nothing changed but your belief. Pretty straightforward, right? But that leads to a question: how do you change your beliefs? Ellis has an answer. (For more on a fun way to be happier and more successful, click [here](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2014/09/be-more-successful/).) ## The Universe Is Not Taking Orders From You. (Sorry.) It’s as simple as ABCD. Really. **A is adversity.** Traffic is awful. **B is your beliefs.** And often they’re irrational. “_This shouldn’t happen to me._” Well, guess what, Bubba? It is happening. **C is consequences.** You get angry, frustrated or depressed. In very few cases can you change A. But you can change B. And that will change C. So let’s bring in the 4th letter. **D: Dispute your irrational beliefs.** “_Wait a second. When did the universe guarantee me a trouble-free existence? It didn’t. Traffic has happened before. It will happen again. And I will survive.”_ Look for beliefs that hold the words “should”, “ought” or “must.” That’s where the problems lie. You’re allowed to wish, want and desire. Nobody is saying you need to be an emotionless lump. Via [How To Stubbornly Refuse To Make Yourself Miserable About Anything-yes, Anything](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B008FQJOG2/ref=as%5Fli%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B008FQJOG2&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20&linkId=IQZAYGLTIZ26C7TQ): --- > “” --- But you can’t demand the universe bend to your will. That’s where the frustration and anger creep in — because that godlike insistence isn’t rational. Via [How To Stubbornly Refuse To Make Yourself Miserable About Anything-yes, Anything](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B008FQJOG2/ref=as%5Fli%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B008FQJOG2&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20&linkId=IQZAYGLTIZ26C7TQ): --- > “” --- When you’re angry, frustrated or depressed look for those irrational beliefs. “_People should treat me kindly and fairly all the time._” Sound rational? Hardly. “_I ought to succeed at this. If I don’t, I’m a failure and a loser._” Really? “_This person must love me back or I’ll die._” No, no, no you won’t. Via [How To Stubbornly Refuse To Make Yourself Miserable About Anything-yes, Anything](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B008FQJOG2/ref=as%5Fli%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B008FQJOG2&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20&linkId=IQZAYGLTIZ26C7TQ): --- > “” --- Is disputing your irrational beliefs going to immediately change everything? No. But when you start disputing you’ll see that your expectations aren’t in line with reality. And with a little work, those expectations will start to change. (For more happiness lifehacks you can learn from ancient philosophy, click [here](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2014/01/ancient-philosophers/).) ## Sum Up It’s as simple as ABCD. Next time you’re turning red and clenching your fists, give this a shot: **A is Adversity.** Like traffic. Sorry, no genie can let you wish it away. **B is Beliefs.** Look for beliefs with these troublesome words: should, ought and must. “_Traffic shouldn’t be this bad._” Not rational. Traffic is what it is. Sorry. **C is Consequences.** You banging the steering wheel with your fist and sending your blood pressure into the stratosphere. **D is Dispute.** Are you demanding the universe and everyone bend to your wishes? Is that rational? No way. You can want, you can wish and you can definitely try your best in the future, but you cannot demand if you want to stay happy and sane. Life is not perfect. People aren’t perfect. You, dear reader, are not perfect. And that’s okay. But having beliefs that any of these things “should” be the way you want causes you a lot of unnecessary suffering. Many of your irrational beliefs are not immediately obvious. Sometimes you’ll have to dig to find them. And you’ll need to dispute them a fair amount before new reasonable beliefs kick in. But you can definitely make progress. What did [Epictetus](http://www.amazon.com/Epictetus/e/B000APB4YG/?%5Fencoding=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&linkCode=ur2&qid=1428226293&sr=1-2-ent&tag=spacforrent-20&linkId=V7PUTXPQRVFC2JGE), the great Stoic philosopher, say way back in the first century AD? --- > “” --- What did [Shakespeare](http://www.amazon.com/William-Shakespeare/e/B000APWKO4/?%5Fencoding=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&linkCode=ur2&qid=1428234110&sr=1-2-ent&tag=spacforrent-20&linkId=6KP3QTHV2ZGAXLCI) write in [Hamlet](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00IWTWDA6/ref=as%5Fli%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B00IWTWDA6&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20&linkId=L63SGIVP3XNXR5VS)? --- > “” --- How about the [Buddha](http://www.amazon.com/The-Buddha/e/B00J866UGA/?%5Fencoding=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&linkCode=ur2&qid=1428226401&sr=1-2-ent&tag=spacforrent-20&linkId=7PQM34ADOUJSNT7D)? --- > “” --- Rarely can you change the world. But you can always change your thoughts. And that can make you very happy. **Join over 161,000 readers. Get a free weekly update via email** [**here**](http://eepurl.com/o6uAD)**.** **_This piece originally appeared on_** [**_Barking Up the Wrong Tree_**](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2015/04/frustrated/)**_._** Related posts: [New Harvard Research Reveals A Fun Way To Be More Successful](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2014/09/be-more-successful/) [The 8 Things The Happiest People Do Every Day](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2014/06/happiest-people/) [How To Stop Being Lazy And Get More Done – 5 Expert Tips](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2014/08/how-to-stop-being-lazy/) ### 5 Horrible Habits You Need to Stop Right Now  Do Not Email First Thing in the Morning or Last Thing at Night “The former scrambles your priorities and all your plans for the day and the latter just gives you insomnia,” says Ferriss, who insists “email can wait until 10am” or after you check off at least one substantive to-do list item. Chris Pecoraro—Getty Images  Do Not Agree to Meetings or Calls With No Clear Agenda or End Time “If the desired outcome is defined clearly… and there’s an agenda listing topics–questions to cover–no meeting or call should last more than 30 minutes,” claims Ferriss, so “request them in advance so you can ‘best prepare and make good use of our time together.'” Sam Edwards—Getty Images/Caiaimage  Do Not Check Email Constantly Batch it and check it only periodically at set times (Ferriss goes for twice a day). Your inbox is analogous to a cocaine pellet dispenser, says Ferriss. Don’t be an addict. Tools like strategic use of the auto responder and Boomerang can help. Jetta Productions—Getty Images  Do Not Carry a Digital Leash 24/7 At least one day a week leave you smartphone somewhere where you can’t get easy access to it. If you’re gasping, you’re probably the type of person that most needs to do kick this particular habit. by nacoki ( MEDIA ARC )—Getty Images/Flickr RF  Do Not Let People Ramble Sounds harsh, but it’s necessary, Ferriss believes. “Small talk takes up big time,” he says, so when people start to tell you about their weekends, cut them off politely with something like “I’m in the middle of something, but what’s up?” But be aware, not everyone agrees with this one (and certainly not in every situation), and you may want to pay particularly close attention to norms around chit chat when traveling internationally. Reza Estakhrian—Getty Images _Read next:_ [_17 Surprising Reasons You’re Stressed Out_](http://time.com/3739299/17-reasons-stressed-out/?iid=time%5Freadnext) [_Listen to the most important stories of the day._](http://time.com/newsletter/the-brief/?sl%5Fautoplay=true&xid=spl-fullbrief-article) ```json [{"@context":"https://schema.org","@type":"OpinionNewsArticle","@id":"https://time.com/3774106/never-being-frustrated-again/","mainEntityOfPage":{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https://time.com/3774106/never-being-frustrated-again/"},"headline":"The Secret to Never Being Frustrated Again","datePublished":"2015-04-08T04:01:27.000Z","dateModified":"2026-05-11T04:49:40.388Z","description":"It’s as simple as ABCD","url":"https://time.com/3774106/never-being-frustrated-again/","keywords":["Psychology","emotions"],"thumbnailUrl":"","author":[{"@type":"Person","name":"Eric Barker","jobTitle":null,"url":"https://time.com/author/eric-barker/"}],"articleSection":"Ideas","image":[],"publisher":{"@type":"Organization","name":"Time","url":"https://time.com/","logo":{"@type":"ImageObject","url":"https://time.com/images/logo.png","width":528,"height":156},"foundingDate":"March 3, 1923","sameAs":["https://www.facebook.com/time","https://www.instagram.com/time/?hl=en","https://twitter.com/time","https://www.pinterest.com/timemagazine"]}},{"@context":"https://schema.org","@type":"BreadcrumbList","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"item":{"@id":"/section/ideas/","name":"Ideas"}},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"item":{"@id":"/tag/psychology/","name":"Psychology"}},{"@type":"ListItem","position":3,"item":{"@id":"https://time.com/3774106/never-being-frustrated-again/","name":"The Secret to Never Being Frustrated Again"}}]}] ```