--- title: How to Parent Like an FBI Agent description: No, you won't need any bugging devices canonical: https://time.com/3734457/how-to-parent-like-an-fbi-agent/ author: Carey Wallace article:opinion: false article:content_tier: free article:published_time: 2015-03-05T22:31:28.000Z article:modified_time: 2026-08-04T07:45:19.376Z og:title: How to Parent Like an FBI Agent og:description: No, you won't need any bugging devices og:url: https://time.com/3734457/how-to-parent-like-an-fbi-agent/ og:site_name: TIME og:image: https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/blt4d9cb1cd4595e510/6987827255a859ee29a862c6/77137460.jpg?branch=production&width=1200&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=16:9 og:image:width: 4687 og:image:height: 2636 og:image:alt: 77137460 og:type: article twitter:card: summary_large_image twitter:title: How to Parent Like an FBI Agent twitter:description: No, you won't need any bugging devices twitter:image: https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/blt4d9cb1cd4595e510/6987827255a859ee29a862c6/77137460.jpg?branch=production&width=1200&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=16:9 ---  # How to Parent Like an FBI Agent > Sponsored content. 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Worth Your Time is TIME's culture recommendation newsletter, edited by culture editor Eliza Berman. Each week it surfaces the books, shows, films and ideas TIME's editors think are worth your attention, and explains why. It is free at time.com/newsletters. #### Does TIME have a culture newsletter? Yes. Worth Your Time is TIME's culture newsletter, published weekly. #### Who writes TIME's culture recommendations? Culture editor Eliza Berman writes Worth Your Time, drawing on TIME's critics and culture desk. #### Is Worth Your Time free? Yes. It is a free newsletter available at time.com/newsletters. ### Sources * TIME Newsletters: [time.com/newsletters](/c/time-nl-worth-2026q3/newsletters?i=2b8319b6-4d5f-4f8e-9e7d-c1bff3a2d09d&cr=time-nl-worth-2026q3-v1) ## Video: What Your Boys Aren't Telling You [Watch (HLS stream): What Your Boys Aren't Telling You](https://cdn.jwplayer.com/manifests/7mqwsqXO.m3u8) (3:37)  _Published 2013-11-19. Rosiland Wiseman talks with three book contributors about the issues teen boys face every day._  by [Carey Wallace](https://time.com/author/carey-wallace/)  ## Carey Wallace Mar 5, 2015 10:31 PM UTC  African American father talking to son African American father talking to son Jose Luis Pelaez; Getty Images/Blend Images  by [Carey Wallace](https://time.com/author/carey-wallace/)  ## Carey Wallace Mar 5, 2015 10:31 PM UTC Ever feel like parenting would be a lot easier if you just had a full-time security team at your beck and call? And maybe an interrogation room? You might not be able to swing that on this month’s budget, but Jack Schafer, a psychologist who and former FBI Special Agent, says parents can benefit from the tips of his trade. Here’s what he learned during 15 years conducting counterintelligence investigations – and how it applies to parenting. **Create the Illusion of Control**FBI agents are trained to de-escalate conflicts by giving subjects a choice, which helps them to feel like they’re in control. And “the feeling they have some control over a situation can work wonders, even for children,” Schafer writes in his recent book, _The Like Switch: An Ex-FBI Agent’s Guide to Influencing, Attracting, and Winning People Over._ Parents can do this, he says, without giving up any true authority. The trick: offer kids a choice between two options that both work for you. They can’t have anything they want for dinner. But do you know in advance you’re going to pick up food on the way home? Give them the chance to choose between two good alternative takeout places. **Follow the Scarcity Principle** FBI profiling shows what many parents already know; that people tend to like things they can’t get much of. If you tell your kids not to do something, they want to do it even more. So how can a parent set clear boundaries without making kids eager to cross them? Let your kids know you trust them, Schafer says. When his daughter brought home a boyfriend she knew Shafer wouldn’t like, instead of forbidding her to see him, Shafer told her he trusted her to make the right decision. The boyfriend never made a reappearance. **Ask Indirect Questions** Especially as they get older, kids get suspicious they’re being interrogated, even when their parents don’t really work for the FBI. So asking direct questions isn’t always the best way to get the answers you’re looking for. Instead, use a classic FBI interrogation technique. “The best way to find out how your children _really_ feel… is to ask them from a third-party perspective,” Shafer says. So if you want to know what your kids think about a sensitive topic, try bringing it up indirectly. Instead of asking, “Have you been drinking?” try starting a conversation with a hypothetical: “My friend’s son got caught drinking. What do you think his parents should do?” You might not get the answer you were looking for. But you’ll get to know your child. **Show Empathy** Another way FBI agents get people to open up is by letting someone know they understand what he or she is experiencing. “Demanding, threatening, or cajoling a response typically ends in a shields-up reaction” from kids, Shafer says. But empathetic statements, he’s found, can be much more effective, like: “You look like you are thinking about something pretty serious. You look as though something is really bothering you.” Greeted with this kind of empathy, kids will often share their thoughts freely. “Most teens want to tell their parents what’s bothering them,” Shafer says. “They just need a little encouragement and the belief that talking to you is their choice.” **Work the Case**The biggest thing parents can do to connect with their kids? Just hang in there. In Shafer’s work, he’s observed that “The more time you spend with a person, the more influence they have over your thoughts and actions.” If parents aren’t around, kids start to take their cues from other kids. But “the more time parents spend with their children, the more likely the parents will be to influence them.” _Read next:_ [_How to Parent Like a German_](http://time.com/3720541/how-to-parent-like-a-german/?xid=time%5Freadnext) _Want to have stories like this delivered to you? Sign up_ [_here_](http://time.com/t4parents) _for TIME’s free weekly newsletter_ **_TIME for Parents_** [_Listen to the most important stories of the day._](http://time.com/newsletter/the-brief/?sl%5Fautoplay=true&xid=spl-fullbrief-article) ## Transcript Hi how are you guys? Rosalind Wiseman is widely known for her non- fiction book, Queen Bees and Wannabes, which was the basis for the movie Mean Girls. Now she's attempting to change the perception of boys with her new book, Masterminds and Wing men. To better understand them, Wiseman is working with hundreds of teen students across the country. And recently, she reunited with three of these boys who were instrumental in helping her create this book. If, if you believe this, dispel the notion that like, guys like you can get their hearts broken and it bothers you. I was dating this girl for a few months and then I found out she cheated on me with two people and then, I blame myself. If I had been better, if I hadn't done this. What is so important to me, that I want adults to realize is, is that boys have deep connections with people. They want meaningful relationships, they fall in love. And when betrayals happen, and they do, or when breakups happen. They are in deep amounts of pain. They often don't share that with other people, but it doesn't mean that, that doesn't exist. I broke up with my girlfriend in the middle of football season in, in college jobs. And the worst part is, I couldn't really talk to any of my athlete friends about it. So I, the only friend I could talk to, is someone who wasn't an athlete. Why? My, groups of friends like, we don't talk about girls like [ CROSSTALK ]. You don't talk about your relationships. I wouldn't talk about relationships. Relationships with girls. It's like a five minute discussion, who did you hook up with? You're done, that's it. But if I actually wanna have a meaningful discussion, how I feel, I have to put on, kinda put up a little wall there. I have to kinda go to the friends that, it won't matter if I talk to them about it. The friend who's not an athlete, who's not like the top tier of people at this school, like who could actually, you know, listen. What I'm hearing in these interviews, are boys really breaking so many of the stereotypes that we have about boys. They're so much more complex. They have rich emotional lives. And if we can sit down, and really listen to them, they will tell us. I mean, look back on your high school years. Are there things that you did, or participated in, or you didn't speak out about, that you regret? The seniors, when I was a freshman, were some of the worst seniors that our school has ever had. They told all the freshman that, that in order to leave the locker room, they had to get like whipped. With what? A belt or something. It's just something stupid or like, I don't even know, like a rope or something. And then, like I don't, if you speak up, you're gonna get beat more. But maybe your beating will entail less beating than everybody else. Roseline is someone I looked up to. If I had an issue, I would come to her and be like, oh. I don't know how to deal with this situation, and then she would help me out. You know, it was very, very weird talking to Roseline at first, because I treated her like a parent. I kinda had to filter what I had to say. But then I became comfortable, like she was just like a sister, someone like that. So I was really able to sort of tell her more things that I wouldn't be able to tell any other adult person. Adults don't think, that boys and girls can be friends. Like strong, strong friendships. Yeah, when I, when I broke up with my girlfriend, I went to dinner with one of my really good girlfriends to talk about it. And the first thing my mom says like, well you just broke up with your girlfriend. Like two days ago. I was like are you serious? Like really. You can have a completely platonic relationship with a very attractive girl. It's like in, in, there'd be nothing there. So, it's one of those experiences of examples of boys being pushed into a stereotype of like all they care about is sex? I think for other boys, this is gonna be really interesting because they get to see a new side of things, that they may have not knew existed. Or they could finally relate to something that they didn't know like, wow I was, I'm not the only one feeling this. And but to realize that all these different kids came together. Because they believe that this is an important thing to do. You know, you might not agree with what I say in this book, but listen to what they're saying. ```json [{"@context":"https://schema.org","@type":"NewsArticle","@id":"https://time.com/3734457/how-to-parent-like-an-fbi-agent/","mainEntityOfPage":{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https://time.com/3734457/how-to-parent-like-an-fbi-agent/"},"headline":"How to Parent Like an FBI Agent","datePublished":"2015-03-05T22:31:28.000Z","dateModified":"2026-08-04T07:45:19.376Z","description":"No, you won't need any bugging devices","url":"https://time.com/3734457/how-to-parent-like-an-fbi-agent/","keywords":["Living","Parenting","Family","How-To","FBI"],"thumbnailUrl":"https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/blt4d9cb1cd4595e510/6987827255a859ee29a862c6/77137460.jpg?branch=production&width=1200&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=1200:675&height=675","author":[{"@type":"Person","name":"Carey Wallace","jobTitle":null,"url":"https://time.com/author/carey-wallace/"}],"articleSection":"","image":[{"@type":"ImageObject","url":"https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/blt4d9cb1cd4595e510/6987827255a859ee29a862c6/77137460.jpg?branch=production&width=1200&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=1200:675&height=675","width":1200,"height":675,"headline":"77137460","caption":"","creditText":"Jose Luis Pelaez; Getty Images/Blend Images","representativeOfPage":true}],"publisher":{"@type":"Organization","name":"Time","url":"https://time.com/","logo":{"@type":"ImageObject","url":"https://time.com/images/logo.png","width":528,"height":156},"foundingDate":"March 3, 1923","sameAs":["https://www.facebook.com/time","https://www.instagram.com/time/?hl=en","https://twitter.com/time","https://www.pinterest.com/timemagazine"]}},{"@context":"https://schema.org","@type":"BreadcrumbList","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"item":{"@id":"/tag/time-section-living/","name":"Living"}},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"item":{"@id":"https://time.com/3734457/how-to-parent-like-an-fbi-agent/","name":"How to Parent Like an FBI Agent"}}]},{"@context":"https://schema.org","@type":"VideoObject","name":"What Your Boys Aren't Telling You","description":"Rosiland Wiseman talks with three book contributors about the issues teen boys face every day.","thumbnailUrl":"https://cdn.jwplayer.com/v2/media/7mqwsqXO/poster.jpg?width=720","uploadDate":"2013-11-19T21:08:52.000Z","contentUrl":"https://cdn.jwplayer.com/manifests/7mqwsqXO.m3u8","embedUrl":"https://time.com/3734457/how-to-parent-like-an-fbi-agent/","duration":"PT3M37S","potentialAction":{"@type":"SeekToAction","target":"https://time.com/3734457/how-to-parent-like-an-fbi-agent/?jw_start={seek_to_second_number}","startOffset-input":"required name=seek_to_second_number"}}] ```