--- description: Relationship problems. Everybody has them. And sometimes you have them over and over and over. Most of the people giving advice don’t know the research.... title: The 4 Most Common Relationship Problems — and How to Fix Them image: https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/bltde093bcdab65f2d0/6988d9b9bc6cfc69913e2a3c/time-logo.jpg?branch=production --- * [Ideas](/section/ideas/) ## Ideas Update your preferences in [Account Settings](/account/preferences/) Close * [Psychology](/tag/psychology/) ## Psychology Update your preferences in [Account Settings](/account/preferences/) Close # The 4 Most Common Relationship Problems — and How to Fix Them by [Eric Barker](/author/eric-barker/) ## Eric Barker Update your preferences in [Account Settings](/account/preferences/) Close Dec 11, 2014 2:50 PM CUT by [Eric Barker](/author/eric-barker/) ## Eric Barker Update your preferences in [Account Settings](/account/preferences/) Close Dec 11, 2014 2:50 PM CUT Relationship problems. Everybody has them. And sometimes you have them over and over and over. Most of the people giving advice don’t know the research. So where are the real answers? I decided to call an expert: Dr. John Gottman. You might remember him as the researcher in Malcolm Gladwell’s [Blink](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000PAAH3K/ref=as%5Fli%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B000PAAH3K&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20&linkId=R7FVS65KAROFBJJF "undefined") who, after just a few minutes, could predict whether a couple would end up divorced. John is a professor emeritus at the University of Washington and co-founder of the Gottman Institute. He’s published over 190 papers and authored more than 40 books, including: * [Principia Amoris: The New Science of Love](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/041564156X/ref=as%5Fli%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=041564156X&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20&linkId=KJNMNJP5XACCSKPA "undefined") * [The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000FC1KCU/ref=as%5Fli%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B000FC1KCU&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20&linkId=L6LU6XDDTFNKVA4T "undefined") * [The Relationship Cure: A 5 Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0609809539/ref=as%5Fli%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=0609809539&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20&linkId=NMZV7SPJGCDTXPWG "undefined") He’s also a really cool guy. John’s gained powerful insights from studying couples that thrive (who he calls “Masters”) and couples that don’t (who he calls “Disasters.”) So what are you going to learn here? 1. The four things that doom relationships. 2. The three things that _prevent_ those four things. 3. The most important part of any relationship conversation. 4. The single best predictor of whether a relationship is working. (It’s so easy you can do it yourself in 2 minutes.) Want to be a Master and not a Disaster? Let’s get to it. ## 1) The Four Horsemen Of The Relationship Apocalypse John has studied thousands of couples over his 40-year career. Four things came up again and again that indicated a relationship was headed for trouble. The Disasters did them a lot and the Masters avoided them: **#1: Criticism** This is when someone points to their partner and says their personality or character is the problem. Here’s John: --- > “” --- Ladies, are you listening? Because criticism is something women do a lot more than men. (Don’t worry, we’ll get to how the guys screw up soon enough.) **#2: Defensiveness** This is responding to relationship issues by counterattacking or whining. Here’s John: --- > “” --- **#3: Contempt** It’s the #1 predictor of breakups. Contempt is acting like you’re a better person than they are. Here’s John: --- > “” --- **#4: Stonewalling** It’s shutting down or tuning out. It passively tells your partner, “I don’t care.” And 85% of the time it’s guys who do this. (Want to know a shortcut to creating a deeper bond with a romantic partner? Click [here](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2011/08/is-there-a-shortcut-to-bonding-with-a-romanti/ "undefined").) Okay, that’s what kills a relationship. Naturally, you want to know what stops those things from occurring, right? ## 3 Things That Make Horsemen Go Bye-Bye From looking at the Masters, John saw what prevented the downward spiral of the 4 Horsemen: **#1: Know Thy Partner** John calls this building “love maps.” It’s really knowing your partner inside and out. It was one of the Masters’ most powerful secrets. Here’s John: --- > “” --- Why is this so rare? It takes time. And the disasters didn’t spend that time. In fact, most couples don’t spend that much time. John cited a study showing couples with kids talk to each other about 35 minutes per week. _Yeah, 35 minutes._ And even most of that was just logistics — “When will you be there?” “Don’t forget to pick up milk.” — not deep personal stuff like the Masters. **#2: Responding positively to “bids”** No, this has nothing to do with eBay. We all frequently make little bids for our partner’s attention. You say something and you want them to respond. To engage. It can be as simple as saying, “Nice day, isn’t it?” It’s almost like a video game: when the person responds positively (“turning towards a bid”) your relationship gets a point. When they don’t respond, or respond negatively, the relationship loses a point… or five. Here’s John: --- > “” --- Couples with high scores build relationship equity. They’re able to repair problems. They’re able to laugh and smile even when arguing. And that makes a big difference. Here’s John: --- > “” --- **#3: Show admiration** Ever listen to someone madly in love talk about their partner? They sound downright delusional. They act like the other person is a superhero. A saint. And [research](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2011/03/is-being-slightly-delusional-the-key-to-a-hap/ "undefined") shows that is perfect. Masters see their partner as _better_ than they really are. Disasters see their partners as _worse_ than they really are. (For more on the science of sexy, click [here](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2013/11/science-of-sexy/ "undefined").) Admiration is about the story you tell yourself about your partner. And that leads us to how to predict whether your relationship is working… ## The Best Predictor Of How Good A Relationship Is You can do this yourself: **have someone ask you about the history of your relationship. What kind of story do you tell?** When your partner describes your relationship to others, what kind of story do they tell? **Does the story minimize the negatives and celebrate the positives? Did it make the other person sound great?** Or did it dwell on what’s wrong? Did it talk about what that idiot did this week that’s utterly wrong? This simple “story of us” predicts which relationships succeed and which fail. Here’s John: --- > “” --- (For more on what research says makes love last, click [here](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2012/11/what-makes-love-last/ "undefined").) Is there a part of a relationship conversation that’s critical? Actually, there is. ## The Most Important Part Of A Relationship Conversation It’s the beginning. **96% of the time John can predict the outcome of a conversation within the first three minutes.** Here’s John: --- > “” --- How you start those serious relationship discussions doesn’t just predict how the conversation goes — it also predicts divorce after 6 years of marriage. Via [Principia Amoris: The New Science of Love](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/041564156X/ref=as%5Fli%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=041564156X&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20&linkId=KJNMNJP5XACCSKPA "undefined"): --- > “” --- So you’re talking and you’re starting off positive and calm. Great. Now you should stop talking. Why? When I asked John what the best thing to do to improve a relationship he said, “Learn [how to be a good listener](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2013/06/hostage-negotiation/ "undefined").” The Masters know how to listen. When their partners have a problem, they drop everything and listen non-defensively with empathy. Here’s John: --- > “” --- And sometimes the best thing to do at the beginning of a relationship argument is to end it immediately. Why? **69% of a couple’s problems are perpetual. They won’t be resolved.** Beating a dead horse, asking someone to fundamentally change who they are isn’t going to work — but it will make them angry. Here’s John: --- > “” --- (For more on how to listen like an expert, click [here](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2013/06/hostage-negotiation/ "undefined").) Okay, that’s a lot of great stuff. Let’s round it up and finish with the thing John said that impressed me the most. ## Sum Up So here’s what John had to say: 1. **The 4 things that kill relationships: Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt and Stonewalling.** 2. **The 3 things that prevent them: Know your partner, respond positively to “bids”, and admire your partner.** 3. **The best predictor of relationship success is how you and your partner tell your “story of us.”** 4. **The beginning of the conversation is crucial. Negativity compounds. Keep a cool head and resist emotional inertia.** One last thing that really blew me away: what makes for happy relationships sounds a lot like what makes for happiness in general. Research shows, happy people [seek out the positive and are grateful for it](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2014/09/be-more-successful/ "undefined"). Unhappy people find the negative in everything. There’s a very similar dynamic in relationships: **Masters scan their relationship for good things, disasters are always noting the bad.** And not only that — the Masters’ way of looking at the world is actually _more_ accurate. Here’s John: --- > “” --- Choose to see the positive. It can cause a cascade: * It’s fuel for your good “story of us.” * You’ll probably start relationship conversations on a good note. * You’ll admire your partner. * And on and on… Some of the same things that make you happy can improve your relationships — and vice versa. What’s better than that? John and I talked for over an hour, so there’s a lot more to this. I’ll be sending out a PDF with more of his relationship tips in [my weekly email](http://eepurl.com/o6uAD "undefined") (including the two words that can help make arguments dissolve.) So to get that, sign up for my weekly email [here](http://eepurl.com/o6uAD "undefined"). **_This piece originally appeared on_** [**_Barking Up the Wrong Tree_**](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2014/12/relationship-problems/ "undefined")**_._** **Join over 145,000 readers.** Get a free weekly update via email [here](http://eepurl.com/o6uAD "undefined"). Related posts: [How To Be A Good Kisser – 10 Tips From Scientific Research](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2013/08/how-to-be-a-good-kisser/ "undefined") [Recipe For A Happy Marriage: The 7 Scientific Secrets](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2013/10/recipe-for-a-happy-marriage-2/ "undefined") [What 10 things should you do every day to improve your life?](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2012/05/what-10-things-should-you-do-every-day-to-imp/ "undefined") ### Photographing a Kiss: Long Time Love Affairs  Joseph and Dorothy Bolotin Sharon, Pennsylvania Married on June 16, 1938\. Dorothy, "I never think of it in terms of years. I think of it in terms of good years. In love, hot romance doesn’t last forever. So I would say that yes, I think love changes. I would say we’re still in love. It’s focusing, doing little things. He’s an amazing man." Lauren Fleishman  John and Sherma Campbell Star Valley, Wyoming Married on May 13, 1955\. Sherma, "When you start out, you think you love each other as much as you possibly can,but love grows—just like your inner self grows as time goes by and you have experiences.And now at this stage of the game, I love him even more. I can’t even imagine life without him." Lauren Fleishman  Jin Lin and Lai Mei Chen Brooklyn, New York Married on February 4, 1961\. Jin Lin, "We had so many things in common it was like our hearts were the same." Lauren Fleishman  de'Spagnolis Aldo de’Spagnolis and Maria Filiozzi Itri, Italy Married on October 23, 1949\. Aldo, "When I first saw her, she was 14 and I was 22.Was there a concern that she was too young for me? No! Even now I look like a young child! Yes, even now I’m still young." Lauren Fleishman  Jake and Mary Jacobs Solihull, England Married on April 27, 1948\. Mary,"Jake said to me,'Would it ever be possible for me to marry you?' And I said,'Possible but not probable!' And that’s how it was. It wasn’t likely that I would ever marry him, and he knew that. So when he went home to Trinidad, my mother and father breathed a sigh of relief. But he used to write, and he said, 'I’m thinking I might come back to England.'" Lauren Fleishman  Kissin Yevgeniy and Lyubov Kissin Brooklyn, New York Married on June 29, 1941\. Yevgeniy, "We met at a dancing party. It was in January 1938\. My friend invited me to the party, he said there would be a lot of beautiful young girls. Another cadet with high boots had approached her, but she didn’t like high boots and so she said no to him. I was the second one to approach her. I had a different uniform, but I’m still not sure if it was my uniform or my face that attracted her to me." Lauren Fleishman  Itig and Golda Pollac Brooklyn, New York Married on August 13, 1946\. Golda, "I would say love came little by little. Not right away.We were young.And he was older, but I liked him. He spoke to me in a very nice way." Lauren Fleishman  Yaakov and Mariya Shapirshetyn Brooklyn, New York Married on July 6, 1949\. Yaakov, "What is the secret to love? A secret is a secret, and I don’t reveal my secrets." Lauren Fleishman  Gino and Angie Terranova Staten Island. New York Married on September 27, 1947\. Angie, "You really don’t think about getting older. First of all, you’re aging together, and when you see a person constantly,you don’t notice big changes. Like you don’t notice, oh you’re getting a little wrinkle here and tomorrow you say it’s a little deeper. No, those are things that just happen." 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