Handwarmer/Smartphone Charger Combo ($34.99)
Convergence is your middle name. It used to be Brock, but you changed it. Your seemingly never-ending search for a convergence device that could warm your hands, charge your smartphone and illuminate your path finally led you to this product, a lipstick-looking doodad that warms your hands, charges your smartphone and triples as a flashlight. It beats your own invention you were using before: a flashlight duct-taped to a surge protector with finger-melting exposed wires that spark sporadically.
Product Page [Sharper Image]
Toilet Seat Warmer ($49.90)
You're used to the finer things in life. You drive a Mazda. You drink Budweiser Black Crown. You have an above-ground pool. So it's no surprise that you seem relaxed and refreshed all winter long. Why? A warm toilet seat, of course. Let the mouth-breathing heathens be shocked awake in the morning by their common plastic toilet seats. You prefer a bit more refinement.
Product Page [Amazon]
Pajama-Warming Pouch ($39.95)
Your nanny used to terrify you with urban legends of a primitive people who wore room-temperature pajamas to bed. You'd shiver in horror until she pulled your perfectly-toasted pajamas out of your family's heirloom pajama warming pouch. When she died, you buried the pouch with her. Ursula was always more of a mother to you than your own mother, a truth you wouldn't come to accept until you were in your early thirties. Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah. She's dead and it's time to replace the pouch.
Product Page [Hammacher Schlemmer]
USB-Heated Narwhal Slippers ($24.99)
Narwhals? Adorbz. I can't even. They're sah cute. Other whales might make fun of them for their weird tusk thingies, but we don't know that. For all we know, whales don't judge other whales based on appearance. We can only assume they do, because we do. And we, as humans, are the best. Sah great.
Just as narwhals are bound to the ocean, so too are these slippers bound to your closest USB port. Plug them in and feel the heat; if you're feeling adventurous, unplug them and walk around until they cool off. But then hurry back to sitting in front of your computer. Don't mess around.
Product Page [ThinkGeek]
Heated Steering Wheel Cover ($49.99)
Extending one or more of your middle fingers toward other drivers is a rich American tradition. But the cold winter months can leave your joints frozen and stiff, making it difficult to show other drivers your displeasure in a timely fashion. And that's assuming you're not wearing bulky gloves, which can make which finger you're extending imperceptible to other drivers. Don't even get me started about mittens. This rechargeable heated steering wheel cover will ensure your hands are toasty-warm, leaving your fingers loose, flexible and ready for quick extension.
Product Page [Sharper Image]