By Laura Stampler
October 2, 2014

You thought it was over. You thought it was finally safe to sit down at lunch and eat one, just one, burger. Subway wants you to know that YOU THOUGHT WRONG.

Thank your lucky thigh gap the sandwich chain, which recent research asserts is just as unhealthy as McDonald’s, is here to remind you that it’s your moral obligation to stay skinny. Because “bikini season may be over” — that’s an actual quote from the company’s YouTube page — “but there’s more reasons right around the corner to stay fit.”

Namely: To wear skimpy Halloween costumes. Cue a video montage set to the tune of waiting room music where an excessively perky woman models an array of sexy costumes.

Except, Subway clearly isn’t allowed to say sexy. Rather, it’s a “hot devil” (too literal), “sassy teacher” (literally smacking a ruler against her hand), “foxy fullback” (please, let’s get into how women feel about the NFL right now), and our personal favorite, “attractive nurse.”

Luckily for Subway, there’s an emerging sexy (albeit bizarre) Christmas costume market, so that they can keep their “it’s never ok to break a diet” campaign going.

Your skinny coworker lunch buddy will be watching you!

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