Welcome back to Dancing With the Stars and cue up the Boyz II Men because tonight is the end of the road for one of the celebrities trying to claw his or her way to the top of the sparkling, Spanx-wearing heap of contestants.
Here’s what happened on Dancing With the Stars:
Lea Thompson and Artem Chigvintsev: Lea entered the results show at the top of the leaderboard and with the possibility of suing Julianne for calling her a “leopard mama,” so it was no surprise that she was safe.
Randy Couture and Karina Smirnoff: The MMA star has proved himself graceful on the dance floor, and he got solid scores from the judges. Karina told him that if he bad-mouthed himself, she would duct-tape his mouth stuff or something. Luckily, he and his super white chompers are safe for another week.
Betsey Johnson and Tony Dovolani: After her Cinderella-esque spin around the dance floor to “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” (which she should dance to every week), it wasn’t clear whether the voters would rally behind the 72-year-old designer. Host Tom Bergeron clearly relished telling her that she was safe.
Best At-Home Dance Party: Nico & Vinz sang their hit “Am I Wrong” while Val Chmerkovskiy and Karina Smirnoff acted out a dramatic threesome.
Tommy Chong and Peta Murgatroyd: During some downtime, host Erin Andrews asked Tommy to show some salsa moves, so Tommy asked Erin if she wanted to “touch his boob.” She declined. She’ll get another chance next week, though, since Tommy and Peta are safe.
Michael Waltrip and Emma Slater: The NASCAR driver is in jeopardy, because during his dance to the evocatively named track “Girls in Bikinis,” he ran out of gas, took a wrong turn, got a flat or whatever other NASCAR analogy you want to make to his lackluster performance last night.
Repeat Performance: Rather than have the judges choose which dance they wanted to see again, Len narrowed down the field to two: Lea or Janel Parrish, and asked the audience to choose on Twitter. The winner of the hashtag game? Janel and Val, of course, because Pretty Little Liars has 2.4 million Twitter followers and each and every single one of them want Janel to have a bright future (no spoilers).
Janel Parrish and Val Chmerkovskiy: Thanks to The A to Z of DWTS, a ridiculous time filler bit, we know the show is going to play the romance card for Janel and Val. It worked for Maks Chmerkovskiy and pro Meryl Davis last year, that it can’t hurt to try. Janel and Val can start working on their are-they-or-aren’t-they chemistry next week, because they are safe.
Bethany Mota and Derek Hough: Bethany and Derek are safe, and if the YouTube star makes it far in this competition, expect more YouTube, Tumblr and Twitter stars to make a play to be on the show.
Sadie Robertson and Mark Ballas: The judges weren’t thrilled with her country jazz mash-up, and neither were the voters, apparently. The young dancer ended up in jeopardy, because Duck Dynasty fans don’t vote enough. It’s probably just a warning shot, though, and Sadie will have to work harder to get out her duck-loving fans next week.
Best Performance: Notoriously press-shy singer Sia stopped by the show to perform her song “Chandelier,” which was pretty much just an excuse for prodigy dancer Maddie Ziegler to strut her stuff in front of the pros and recreate their incredible video.
Weirdest Time Waster: Tony and Betsey recreated the Ghost supernatural pottery make-out scene; Lea and Artem went Back to the Future, which gave them plenty of time to learn the cha-cha, and Alfonso Ribeiro battled his stomach bulge.
Best Time Waster: Once again the show decided to air one of the pros’ audition tapes. The audience voted, and we were treated to a baby-faced Mark Ballas explaining how he is the rebel of the dance floor and wore two earrings to prove it.
Awkward Family Photo: Julianne Hough put down her judging paddle, stepped out from behind the table, and took a spin on the dance floor with all of the male pros. Her outfit got smaller and smaller while she twisted and turned, until she was left in nothing but some carefully placed beading on a nude body suit. Her brother carefully avoided making eye contact with her while they danced, leaving the lifts to the other pros.
Tavis Smiley and Sharna Burgess: Tavis too busy telling the world about the legacy of Dr. Martin Luther King on book tour to practice last week, and the judges noticed. Turns out the fans did too. Or maybe they were all too busy standing in line at book signings to watch the show?
Alfonso Ribeiro and Witney Carson: While Alfonso didn’t have the highest score of the night, his routine was solid and so were his scores. They are sticking around for at least one more week, because they haven’t done the Carleton yet.
Antonio Sabato Jr. and Cheryl Burke: The sexy underwear model managed to pull off a reasonably racy routine last night that was like a one-man get-out-the-vote drive. He’s sticking around for one more week.
Who Is in Jeopardy: Sadie Robertson, Michael Waltrip and Tavis Smiley are all in the bottom three. Sadie is quickly sent back to the ranks, with her fans having learned their lessons about failing to tune in, vote and vote often.
Who Went Home: Tavis Smiley will have more time to write extremely heartfelt and personal inscriptions in everyone’s copies of Death of a King: The Real Story of Dr. Martin Luther King’s Final Year. He tells Tom that while he doesn’t live with regret, he does wish he had more time to practice last week.
Best Reason to Come Back Next Week: It’s movie night, which means there is at least one Back to the Future dance in our future, and if we’re lucky Michael Waltrip will do a Talladega Nights–themed tango.