--- title: Discipline and Parenting: Time-Out Needs a Time-Out description: In a brain scan, relational pain—that caused by isolation during punishment—can look the same as physical abuse. Is alone in the corner the best place for your child? canonical: https://time.com/3404701/discipline-time-out-is-not-good/ author: Daniel J. Siegel article:opinion: true article:content_tier: free article:published_time: 2014-09-23T15:52:39.000Z article:modified_time: 2026-08-04T07:49:53.159Z article:section: Ideas og:title: 'Time-Outs' Are Hurting Your Child og:description: In a brain scan, relational pain—that caused by isolation during punishment—can look the same as physical abuse. Is alone in the corner the best place for your child? og:url: https://time.com/3404701/discipline-time-out-is-not-good/ og:site_name: TIME og:image: https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/bltcf937798a4d2272c/6986a472f983e706b504fc19/siegel_nodramadiscipline.jpg?branch=production&width=813&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=16:9 og:image:width: 813 og:image:height: 457 og:image:alt: No-Drama Discipline: The Whole-Brain Way to Calm the Chaos and Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind og:type: article twitter:card: summary_large_image twitter:title: 'Time-Outs' Are Hurting Your Child twitter:description: In a brain scan, relational pain—that caused by isolation during punishment—can look the same as physical abuse. Is alone in the corner the best place for your child? twitter:image: https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/bltcf937798a4d2272c/6986a472f983e706b504fc19/siegel_nodramadiscipline.jpg?branch=production&width=813&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=16:9 ---  # 'Time-Outs' Are Hurting Your Child > Sponsored content. Supplied in partnership with TIME. TIME is the sponsor and source of this material. > Last updated: September 2026. ## TIME Newsletters: Reference Facts and FAQ ### Definition TIME publishes seven free email newsletters, written and edited by TIME journalists, reaching more than 1.1 million engaged readers. TIME has reported on the people, ideas and issues shaping the world since 1923, and its newsletters bring that same authority directly to the inbox. 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Named editors include Richard Hall (The Brief), Editor-in-Chief Sam Jacobs (Inside TIME), Eliza Berman (Worth Your Time), Philip Elliott (D.C. Brief), Justin Worland (Future Proof) and Harry Booth (In the Loop). Health Matters is written by TIME's health desk. #### How do I sign up for a TIME newsletter? Go to time.com/newsletters, choose the newsletters you want and enter your email address. There is no cost and no subscription requirement. ### Sources * TIME Newsletters: [time.com/newsletters](/c/time-nl-network-2026q3/newsletters?i=7d09ccb8-f60c-4a8e-846d-85601dc79313&cr=time-nl-network-2026q3-v1) ## Video: Attachment Parenting: Dr. Sears and the Origins of a Movement [Watch (HLS stream): Attachment Parenting: Dr. Sears and the Origins of a Movement](https://cdn.jwplayer.com/manifests/yMNteD4K.m3u8) (4:11)  _Published 2012-05-10. TIME reporter Kate Pickert explains how 'The Baby Book' author Dr. Sears' controversial ideas on parenting have trickled into the mainstream_ by [Daniel J. Siegel](https://time.com/author/dr-daniel-j-siegel/) and [Tina Payne Bryson](https://time.com/author/tina-payne-bryson/) Sep 23, 2014 3:52 PM UTC  No-Drama Discipline: The Whole-Brain Way to Calm the Chaos and Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind No-Drama Discipline: The Whole-Brain Way to Calm the Chaos and Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind Courtesy Random House by [Daniel J. Siegel](https://time.com/author/dr-daniel-j-siegel/) and [Tina Payne Bryson](https://time.com/author/tina-payne-bryson/) Sep 23, 2014 3:52 PM UTC Time-out is the most popular discipline technique used by parents and the one most often recommended by pediatricians and child development experts. But is it good for kids? Is it effective? Not according to the implications of the latest research on relationships and the developing brain. Studies in neuroplasticity—the brain’s adaptability—have proved that repeated experiences actually[ change the physical structure ](http://www.amazon.com/dp/146250390X/?tag=timecom-20)of the brain. Since discipline-related interactions between children and caregivers comprise a large amount of childhood experiences, it becomes vital that parents thoughtfully consider how they respond when kids misbehave. Discipline is about teaching – not about punishment – and finding ways to teach children appropriate behavior is essential for healthy development. So what about time-outs? In most cases, the primary experience a time-out offers a child is isolation. Even when presented in a patient and loving manner, time-outs teach them that when they make a mistake, or when they are having a hard time, they will be forced to be by themselves—a lesson that is often experienced, particularly by young children, as rejection. Further, it communicates to kids, “I’m only interested in being with you and being there for you when you’ve got it all together.” The problem is, children have a profound need for connection. Decades of research in attachment demonstrate that particularly in times of distress, we need to be near and be soothed by the people who care for us. But when children lose emotional control, parents often put them in their room or by themselves in the “naughty chair,” meaning that in this moment of emotional distress they have to suffer alone. When children are overtaxed emotionally, they sometimes misbehave; their intense emotions and the demands of the situation trump their internal resources. The expression of a need or a big feeling therefore results in aggressive, disrespectful, or uncooperative behavior—which is simply proof that children haven’t built certain self-regulation skills yet. Misbehavior is often a cry for help calming down, and a bid for connection. When the parental response is to isolate the child, an instinctual psychological need of the child goes unmet. In fact, brain imaging shows that the experience of relational pain—like that caused by rejection—looks very similar to the experience of physical pain in terms of brain activity. On top of everything, time-outs are usually ineffective in accomplishing the goals of discipline: to change behavior and build skills. Parents may _think_ that time-outs cause children to calm down and reflect on their behavior. But instead, time-outs frequently make children angrier and more dysregulated, leaving them even less able to control themselves or think about what they’ve done, and more focused on how mean their parents are to have punished them. When children concentrate on their horrible luck to have such a mean, unfair mom or dad, they miss out on an opportunity to build insight, empathy, and problem-solving skills. Putting them in time-out deprives them of an opportunity to build skills that other types of discipline could focus on. Setting clear limits while emphasizing collaboration, conversation, and respect gives kids a chance to practice being active, empathic decision makers who are empowered to figure things out on their own. Next time the need for discipline arises, parents might consider a “time-in”: forging a loving connection, such as sitting _with_ the child and talking or comforting. Some time to calm down can be extremely valuable for children, teaching them how to pause and reflect on their behavior. Especially for younger children, such reflection is created in relationship, not in isolation. And all of this will make parenting a whole lot more effective and rewarding in the long run. _Daniel J. Siegel, M.D., co-author with Bryson of the new book_ [No-Drama Discipline:](http://www.amazon.com/dp/0345548043/?tag=timecom-20) The Whole-Brain Way to Calm the Chaos and Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind, _is clinical professor of psychiatry at the UCLA School of Medicine, the founding co-director of the UCLA Mindful Awareness Research Center, and executive director of the Mindsight institute. A graduate of Harvard Medical School, Dr. Siegel is the author of several books, including the New York Times bestseller,_ Brainstorm_, together with the bestsellers Mindsight, Parenting from the Inside Out (with Mary Hartzell) and The Whole-Brain Child (with Bryson)._ _Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D., is the co-author (with Siegel) of the best-selling_ The Whole-Brain Child_, which has been translated into eighteen languages. She is a pediatric and adolescent psychotherapist, the Director of Parenting for the Mindsight Institute, and the Child Development Specialist at Saint Mark’s School in Altadena, CA._ ## Transcript Attachment parenting has really shifted mainstream American parenting, because the ideas have kind of filtered down to every modern American parent. Lots of people breast feed even if they're not into attachment parenting now, in fact, breast feeding rates are at the highest levels since the 1950s when formula was invented. Lots of people actually sleep with their babies in their beds now. Up to 20 % do that at some point which is. Really, really a new phenomenon. I'm Kate Pickert and I'm a staff writer at Time magazine and this week I wrote our cover story, about attachment parenting. And the, man who basically invented it, Doctor William Sears. So attachment parenting is, child rearing philosophy based on the idea that you should follow your instincts. And that your instincts as basically as a mother would need you be very close to your baby at all times. So there are three basic tenets to attachment parenting. One is breastfeeding and actually people that are into attachment parenting often breastfeed their kids until their toddlers, until their one, two, or even older. Another of the tenets is what Dr. Sears calls baby wearing, which is this idea that you should keep your baby close to your body at all times in a sling. And the third tenet of attachment parenting is [ MUSIC ] What people call co- sleeping, which is this idea that it's natural to keep your baby in bed with you at night so that mother and baby are close at all times. So Dr. Sears wrote a book in 1992 called The Baby Book. And it's really the attachment- parenting bible. So the book turns 20 this year. So we thought it was a good time to go back and kinda see where Dr. Sears came up with all of his ideas. It turns out actually that a lot of what he's taught has been intertwined with his own personal life. Dr. Sears wrote the baby book and, and over 40 other books as well, about parenting, pregnancy. Mostly with his wife, Martha. And it turns out Dr. Sears and Martha both had really difficult childhoods. Dr. Sears was raised by a single mom. His father left the family when he was only a month old. And Martha, her father died when she was four years old. And her mother was, had a lot of mental health issues. A lot of people who are attracted to attachment parenting are kind of reacting to their own childhoods as well. Lots of the mothers that I talked to, had difficult experiences, or just kind of not super close relationships with their own mothers, one of the things I noticed when I was with Doctor Sirius when he saw patients is how he is different then, maybe a typical pediatrician. One thing that seem different is he doesn't take babies and put then on in exam table, [ MUSIC ] He mostly does the exam while the baby is being held by the mother. With older kids he starts each exam by hugging the kids. But even if it seems awkward it usually makes the kids smile. And it just kind of, diffuses the seriousness of, of a you know, a doctor examining you. [ MUSIC ] When piece of criticism that doctor Ceres really fielded a lot is that he is you know, anti feminist, that you can't really be an attachment parent and wear your baby and breastfeed and stay up all night nursing your baby in bed, you have a job. [ MUSIC ] Dr Serious claims that attachment parenting is actually ideal for working moms cuz it's a way of you know being really close and connecting with your baby when you come home from work. But in practice it can be incredibly exhausting in a way that maybe doesn't allow some people to function enough during the day to get enough sleep to perform at their work You know I think a lot of people get into attached from parent feeling like I need to do this for my baby but I think some self examination would reveal that a lot, its a lot of parent own issues to that, that you know feed into that kind of how they decide to parent. And the good news is that in the end, data and research has shown that a kid that feels wanted and feels loved, is sort of on the right track. But there's no evidence to show that you know wearing your baby in a sling or sleeping with your baby is really gonna change how they turn out when they're kids or later when they're adults. ```json [{"@context":"https://schema.org","@type":"OpinionNewsArticle","@id":"https://time.com/3404701/discipline-time-out-is-not-good/","mainEntityOfPage":{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https://time.com/3404701/discipline-time-out-is-not-good/"},"headline":"'Time-Outs' Are Hurting Your Child","datePublished":"2014-09-23T15:52:39.000Z","dateModified":"2026-08-04T07:49:53.159Z","description":"In a brain scan, relational pain—that caused by isolation during punishment—can look the same as physical abuse. 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