--- title: What Makes You ‘Click’ With Someone Else? description: The content of a conversation is less important than how personal and emotional it is canonical: https://time.com/3343755/what-makes-you-click-with-someone-else/ author: Eric Barker article:opinion: true article:content_tier: free article:published_time: 2014-09-13T04:01:33.000Z article:modified_time: 2026-08-04T07:49:38.584Z article:section: Ideas og:title: What Makes You 'Click' With Someone Else? og:description: The content of a conversation is less important than how personal and emotional it is og:url: https://time.com/3343755/what-makes-you-click-with-someone-else/ og:site_name: TIME og:image: https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/blt1cd46ee16e471aa1/6986a330adae4470dc544ee1/141475403.jpg?branch=production&width=1200&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=16:9 og:image:width: 5198 og:image:height: 2924 og:image:alt: 141475403 og:type: article twitter:card: summary_large_image twitter:title: What Makes You 'Click' With Someone Else? twitter:description: The content of a conversation is less important than how personal and emotional it is twitter:image: https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/blt1cd46ee16e471aa1/6986a330adae4470dc544ee1/141475403.jpg?branch=production&width=1200&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=16:9 ---  # What Makes You 'Click' With Someone Else? > Sponsored content. 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It explains how TIME's journalism is made, from the first pitch through the editorial decisions behind a finished story or cover. #### How can I read about how TIME chooses its covers? Inside TIME is the newsletter where TIME's Editor-in-Chief explains cover selection and the editorial reasoning behind major stories. It is free at time.com/newsletters. #### Who is the editor of TIME? Sam Jacobs is TIME's Editor-in-Chief. He writes Inside TIME, a twice-weekly newsletter about the newsroom's reporting and editorial decisions. #### Is Inside TIME free? Yes. Inside TIME is a free newsletter, available at time.com/newsletters. A paid TIME subscription is separate and available at time.com/subscribe-agent. ## Video: A 100-Year-Old Sex Therapist on Having Good Sex, Then and Now [Watch (HLS stream): A 100-Year-Old Sex Therapist on Having Good Sex, Then and Now](https://cdn.jwplayer.com/manifests/uJFYIrvP.m3u8) (3:13)  _Published 2014-08-20. A practicing sex therapist in New York City, Dr. Shirley Zussman has witnessed everything from the legalization of the contraceptive birth control pill to the AIDs epidemic in the 1980s to the rise of internet porn in the new millenium._ by [Eric Barker](https://time.com/author/eric-barker/) ## Eric Barker Sep 13, 2014 4:01 AM UTC  The hand of the man and woman connected with a red The hand of the man and woman connected with a red Yagi Studio—Getty Images by [Eric Barker](https://time.com/author/eric-barker/) ## Eric Barker Sep 13, 2014 4:01 AM UTC You can’t put your finger on it. You may not have anything in common. On paper it might seem you’d never be friends. But you just… “_click_.” How does that work? Personally, I’m not one for flighty explanations like simpatico, serendipity, or soulmates. In [Click: The Magic of Instant Connections](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0385529066/ref=as%5Fli%5Fss%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=0385529066&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20) Ori Brafman and Rom Brafman (authors of the interesting book [Sway: The Irresistable Pull of Irrational Behavior](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0385530609/ref=as%5Fli%5Fss%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=0385530609&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20)) explore these phenomena and give some solid insights. They discuss a number of the more obvious causes of connection like proximity and similarity but what struck me most was their emphasis on **_vulnerability_**_._ Via [Click: The Magic of Instant Connections:](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0385529066/ref=as%5Fli%5Fss%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=0385529066&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20) --- > “” --- Vulnerability is also the element of clicking you have the most control over and can therefore use to improve how often and how deeply you connect with others. There’s a heirarchy of vulnerability in the types of communication we have, each one being more open and more likely to lead to a solid connection: * **Phatic**: These statements have no emotional content: _“How are you?”_ * **Factual**: These share information, maybe personal information, but no strong opinions or emotions are involved: _“I live in New York.”_ * **Evaluative**: These statements show opinions, but they’re not core beliefs:_“That movie was really funny.”_ * **Gut-level**: Here’s where it heats up. The first three are thought-oriented. Gut-level communication is emotionally based. It’s personal, says something deeper about who you are and is focused on feelings: _“I’m sad that you’re not here.”_ * **Peak**: The most emotionally vulnerable level. Peak statements share your innermost feelings. “…feelings that are deeply revealing and carry the most risk in terms how the other person will respond.” These statements are rare, even with people we are very close to: _“I guess at heart I’m terrified I’m going to lose you.”_ The authors spell it out clearly: **_“We can help to create magical connections simply by elevating the language we use from the phatic to the peak level.”_** Does this really work? Yes. Arthur Aron studies what makes people connect quickly and deeply and has found it’s the emotional, personal form of information exchange that promotes feelings of understanding. You can even use it to accelerate the creation of bonds with strangers. It’s just a matter of asking the right questions. Via Sam Gosling’s book, [Snoop: What Your Stuff Says About You](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0465013821/ref=as%5Fli%5Fss%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&tag=spacforrent-20&linkCode=as2&camp=217145&creative=399369&creativeASIN=0465013821): --- > “” --- (You can read some of the questions used [here](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/is-there-a-shortcut-to-bonding-with-a-romanti).) But how effective can this be really? In under an hour it can create a connection stronger than a lifelong friendship. Via [Click: The Magic of Instant Connections](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0385529066/ref=as%5Fli%5Fss%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=0385529066&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20): --- > “” --- The content itself is less important than how personal and emotional it is. Having online daters [discuss controversial and taboo subjects like STD’s and aborton is more effective in building a connection than “safer” topics](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/does-discussing-abortions-and-stds-make-for-a): --- > “” --- [Click](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0385529066/ref=as%5Fli%5Fss%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=0385529066&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20) points out that studies have shown self-disclosure promotes sexual satisfaction and relationship/marital satisfaction. It even helps online daters: --- > “” --- This concept resonates with a lot of people. In fact, one of the most popular TED talks of all time is [Brené Brown](https://twitter.com/BreneBrown)‘s [presentation on vulnerability](http://www.ted.com/talks/brene%5Fbrown%5Fon%5Fvulnerability). I recently posted on how to [best strengthen your friendships](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/5-ways-to-strengthen-your-friendships) and [romantic relationships](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/what-6-things-can-improve-your-relationship). This may be another tool to put in that toolbox. Open up with those close to you. Give it a try. (Aron’s questions are [here](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/is-there-a-shortcut-to-bonding-with-a-romanti).) Share this post and encourage your loved ones to open up with you. And if you do, [email me](mailto:ebarker@ucla.edu) and let me know how it works. :) **Join 25K+ readers.** Get a free weekly update via email [here](http://eepurl.com/o6uAD). **_This piece originally appeared on_** [**_Barking Up the Wrong Tree_**](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/)**_._** ## Transcript Sexual pleasure is only one part of what men and women want from each other. They want intimacy, they want closeness, they want understanding, they want comfort, they want fun, and they want somebody who really cares about them beyond going to bed with them, and I think people are always seeking that. In every generation. [ MUSIC ] My name is Shirley Zussman. I just reached a hundred years of age, and I am a practicing sex therapist. I was invited with my husband to a lecture in New Jersey, in 1966. Masters and Johnson were the speakers. No body knew about them. Human sexual response had just been published, what I saw was a couple who will say that people had problems in an area in their lives that was very important and they were recognizing that it was all not just. Glamorous and wonderful to be sexual. One had to almost had to learn how to be a good partner and to endure the pleasure not only for yourself but for each other. And I thought we can do that. Why can't we do that? And we applied for training with Masters and Johnson at that time. The patients that came to us were people who read the paper. The only way they do anything about the work that was being done there. And the problems they came with, was somewhat different than the problems they come with today. Mostly, women came because would put out orgasmic, they didn't know how to achieve an orgasm, but they wanted one. It was so over that ,. Goal they had for themselves and how do I get there. That was one Masters and Johnson's contribution that there was a relatively simple way to start learning about your body. In other words, get, get to know your, who you are sexually and physically and that was. And encouragement for masturbation for learning what makes you feel good. I see a big change in the we view casual sex. In the 60's I think it was not just casual it was frantic. I'm shocked at the lack of connection with people; because of iPhones, even I love my iPhone. There is so much less actual physical connection, there's less touching, there's less talking, there's less holding, there's less looking, [ INAUDIBLE ]. People get pleasure from looking at each other. But the most common problem, I would say, in the sex therapy that I live in, is a lack of desire. You have to look at your priorities. You have to decide what is important to make you feel good about yourself and your life. 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