Let's get hog wild, and other terrible puns.
ABC formally announced Wednesday that Chris Soules will be the leading man in its next season of The Bachelor. Let’s just call this season Farmer Gets a Wife. While we could have been living life in the fast lane with race car driver and Bachelor hopeful Arie Luydenyk Jr., instead we will be watching corn grow with Soules — a stable and successful farmer from quite possibly the smallest town in the world.
Last season, Soules’ mother assured Bachelorette Andi that “there’s no limit for a woman on a farm nowadays.” And we are sure that Bachelor producers, never shying away from a theme-date or pun, (pilot Jake Pavleka’s season was called On the Wings of Love, complete with its own eponymous song and everything), will be sure to teach us exactly what life on the farm would be like in the form of ridiculous date cards. This season on the Bachelor, the “surprise concerts” will be country, the strategically placed couches in the middle of the wilderness will be replaced with haystacks, and helicopters will be swapped out for tractors.
These are the farming dates we are the least, and by that I mean most, excited for:
Find a needle in a haystack
The winner of this group date is rewarded with one-on-one time and the promise of love everlasting, of course. The losers go home to cry and pick the hay out of each others’ hair. (Or, if there’s a hairdresser this season, learn how to incorporate them into elaborate braids for the Rose Ceremony).
Pun potential: I mean, implied
Catch a greased pig
Where mud wrestling meets Babe.
Pun potential: “Let’s get hog wild!” “I want to be his prize pig.”
Cook Chris a farm fresh breakfast using only products found on the farm
Chris told Andi that his wife doesn’t have to be a homemaker. The “big” city of Cedar Rapids is only an hour away. But let’s face it, knowing your way around a hen house and kitchen is going to be a plus.
Pun alert: “I am putting all of my eggs in this basket. Apart from the ones I’ve frozen. I really want to get married.”
A corn maze race
Especially appropriate considering that Chris grows corn.
Pun alert from the loser: “Shucks!”
Shear a sheep
The wise contestant will hoard her wool throughout the competition and give Chris a hand-knitted sweater toward the end of the season, shouting from the barn rooftops, “I choose ewe!”
Pun alert: “I’m in sheer disbelief that such a manly, gentle, gentleman farmer exists.”
Assist with the birthing of an animal
Just as contestants in past seasons have compared rappelling off the side of a building to rappelling into their potential mate’s heart, this date will be all about the metaphors. Like, “As I watched Chris pull a calf out of that cow’s vaginal canal, I realized, wow this guy has real fatherhood potential.”
Is it January yet?