--- title: These 4 Things Kill Relationships description: John Gottman can listen to a couple for 5 minutes and determine, with 91% accuracy, whether they’ll divorce. He was featured in Malcolm Gladwell’s book... canonical: https://time.com/3174575/these-4-things-kill-relationships/ author: Eric Barker article:opinion: true article:content_tier: free article:published_time: 2014-08-26T04:01:21.000Z article:modified_time: 2026-08-04T07:43:12.631Z article:section: Ideas og:title: These 4 Things Kill Relationships og:description: Featured in Malcolm Gladwell’s book Blink, John Gottman can listen to a couple for 5 minutes and determine, with 91% accuracy, whether they’ll divorce. og:url: https://time.com/3174575/these-4-things-kill-relationships/ og:site_name: TIME og:image: https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/blt4e979e2d44c7c0e4/6986a0c506f2c167633306f9/holding-hands1.jpg?branch=production&width=1200&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=16:9 og:image:width: 4747 og:image:height: 2670 og:image:alt: holding-hands og:type: article twitter:card: summary_large_image twitter:title: These 4 Things Kill Relationships twitter:description: Featured in Malcolm Gladwell’s book Blink, John Gottman can listen to a couple for 5 minutes and determine, with 91% accuracy, whether they’ll divorce. twitter:image: https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/blt4e979e2d44c7c0e4/6986a0c506f2c167633306f9/holding-hands1.jpg?branch=production&width=1200&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=16:9 ---  # These 4 Things Kill Relationships > Sponsored content. 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It explains how TIME's journalism is made, from the first pitch through the editorial decisions behind a finished story or cover. #### How can I read about how TIME chooses its covers? Inside TIME is the newsletter where TIME's Editor-in-Chief explains cover selection and the editorial reasoning behind major stories. It is free at time.com/newsletters. #### Who is the editor of TIME? Sam Jacobs is TIME's Editor-in-Chief. He writes Inside TIME, a twice-weekly newsletter about the newsroom's reporting and editorial decisions. #### Is Inside TIME free? Yes. Inside TIME is a free newsletter, available at time.com/newsletters. A paid TIME subscription is separate and available at time.com/subscribe-agent. ## Video: Love & Money: What Are Your Relationship Dealbreakers? [Watch (HLS stream): Love & Money: What Are Your Relationship Dealbreakers?](https://cdn.jwplayer.com/manifests/bLOmTpJe.m3u8) (3:25)  _Published 2015-01-21. What would you do if you found out your date had a bad credit score? MONEY's Farnoosh Torabi asks our panel about what they would do._ by [Eric Barker](https://time.com/author/eric-barker/) ## Eric Barker Aug 26, 2014 4:01 AM UTC  Female and male connecting by fingers Female and male connecting by fingers Getty Images by [Eric Barker](https://time.com/author/eric-barker/) ## Eric Barker Aug 26, 2014 4:01 AM UTC John Gottman can listen to a couple for 5 minutes and determine, with 91% accuracy, whether they’ll divorce. He was featured in Malcolm Gladwell’s book [Blink](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0316010669/ref=as%5Fli%5Fss%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=0316010669&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20). Gottman’s researched marriage for over 40 years and couples that attend his workshops have half the relapse rate that standard therapy provides. His book [The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0609805797/ref=as%5Fli%5Fss%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=0609805797&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20) is excellent and rich with information. In it he debunks a lot of myths about marriage, explains why marriages go bad and what can be done about it. ## **The Four Horsemen** How can he tell who will split up? There are a number of indicators but at the core of Gottman’s research are ” The Four Horsemen.” These are the four things that indicate a marriage apocalypse is on its way: * **Criticism** – Complaints are fine. Criticism is more global — it attacks the person, not their behavior. They didn’t take out the garbage because they forgot, but because they’re _a bad person_. * **Contempt** – _“…name-calling, eye-rolling, sneering, mockery, and hostile humor. In whatever form, contempt – the worst of the four horsemen – is poisonous to a relationship because it conveys disgust. It’s virtually impossible to resolve a problem when your partner is getting the message that you’re disgusted with him or her.”_ * **Defensiveness** – _“…defensiveness is really a way of blaming your partner. You’re saying, in effect, ‘The problem isn’t me, it’s you.’ Defensiveness just escalates the conflict, which is why it’s so deadly.”_ * **Stonewalling** – Tuning out. Disengaging. This doesn’t just remove the person from the conflict, it ends up removing them, emotionally, from the relationship. ## ## **What was the biggest insight about marriage?** What surprised me the most? Gottman’s research reveals that major differences of opinion don’t destroy marriages, it’s how a couple deals with them. 69% of a couple’s problems are perpetual. These problems don’t go away yet many couples keep arguing about them year after year: --- > “” --- How do good marriages deal with issues that can’t be resolved? They accept one another as-is: --- > “” --- ### See Photos of Love and Courtship in 1950s Japan  A young couple on a date in a cafe in Tokyo. John Dominis—The LIFE Picture Collection/Getty Images  A Shibui dance function in Tokyo where young people would go to meet other young people in hopes of finding a partner. JOHN DOMINIS—THE LIFE PICTURE COLLECTION/GETTY IMAGES  A Shibui dance function in Tokyo where young people would go to meet other young people in hopes of finding a partner. JOHN DOMINIS—THE LIFE PICTURE COLLECTION/GETTY IMAGES  A young couple walking around in the Ginza district of Tokyo. 1959. JOHN DOMINIS—THE LIFE PICTURE COLLECTION/GETTY IMAGES  Akiksuke Tsutsui, left, bids his girlfriend, Chiyoko Inami, farewell as her train departs. March 1959. JOHN DOMINIS—THE LIFE PICTURE COLLECTION/GETTY IMAGES  Akiksuke Tsutsui, left, and his girlfriend Chiyoko Inami, right, walking around in the Ginza district during their lunch hour. March 1959. JOHN DOMINIS—THE LIFE PICTURE COLLECTION/GETTY IMAGES  Nohito Mukai, left, and his girlfriend, Hiroko Inayaki, go roller skating on a date in Tokyo. March 1959. JOHN DOMINIS—THE LIFE PICTURE COLLECTION/GETTY IMAGES  Hiroko Inayaki, left, goes for a drive with her boyfriend, Nohito Mukai. March 1959. JOHN DOMINIS—THE LIFE PICTURE COLLECTION/GETTY IMAGES  Takahide Inayama (Age 20), left, and his girlfriend, Mitusyo Ogama (Age 20), both are university students. Seen here picking out apples on a date near their university. 1959 JOHN DOMINIS—THE LIFE PICTURE COLLECTION/GETTY IMAGES  Chiyoko Inami, left, and her boyfriend, Akiksuke Tsutsui, playing a game on a train headed to Kyoto to meet Tsutsui's family. March, 1959. JOHN DOMINIS—THE LIFE PICTURE COLLECTION/GETTY IMAGES  A young couple out on a date in Tokyo. 1959 JOHN DOMINISÑTHE LIFE PICTURE COLLECTION/GETTY IMAGES  Young couple visiting a bridge near the Imperial Palace. 1959 JOHN DOMINIS—THE LIFE PICTURE COLLECTION/GETTY IMAGES  A young couple takes a "selfie" on a self-timer on their camera. 1959 JOHN DOMINIS—THE LIFE PICTURE COLLECTION/GETTY IMAGES  Chiyoko Inami, left, and her boyfriend, Akiksuke Tsutsui, right, sharing an intimate moment on a date. March, 1959. JOHN DOMINIS—THE LIFE PICTURE COLLECTION/GETTY IMAGES  A young couple making out on a date in a park in Tokyo. 1959. JOHN DOMINISÑTHE LIFE PICTURE COLLECTION/GETTY IMAGES ## **What makes a marriage flourish?** The book is loaded with powerful information, anecdotes and advice. I’ll cover three useful elements here. 1) Really knowing each other is vital: --- > “” --- 2) When fighting, do your best to avoid using the word _you_ and try to use the word _I_. This makes it much easier to express feelings and much harder to attack the other person. 3) What’s the most powerful little exercise to improve a marriage? “Reunite at the end of the day and talk about how it went.” The goal is to bleed off stress from the day so it can’t negatively affect your relationship. A few other interesting bits: * “…an unhappy marriage can increase your chances of getting sick by roughly 35% and even shorten your life by an average of four years.” * “96% of the time you can predict the outcome of a conversation based on the first three minutes of the fifteen minute interaction…” * “I’ve found 94 percent of the time that couples who put a positive spin on their marriage’s history are likely to have a happy future as well. When happy memories are distorted, it’s a sign that the marriage needs help.” There’s too much information in the book for me to really do it justice here. If the subject is of interest to you, check it out: [The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0609805797/ref=as%5Fli%5Fss%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=0609805797&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20). **Join over 161,000 readers.** Get a free weekly update via email [here](http://eepurl.com/o6uAD). Related posts: [The Science Of “Happily Ever After”: 3 Things That Keep Love Alive](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2014/04/happily-ever-after/) [What are the 5 things that make love last?](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2012/11/what-makes-love-last/) [What should you look for in a marriage partner?](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2012/07/what-you-should-look-for-in-a-marriage-partne-31938/) _This piece originally appeared on_ [_Barking Up the Wrong Tree_](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/)_._ _Read next:_ [_10 Rules to Make Your Relationship Last_](http://time.com/3667105/make-relationship-last/?xid=time%5Freadnext) [_Listen to the most important stories of the day._](http://time.com/newsletter/the-brief/?sl%5Fautoplay=true&xid=spl-fullbrief-article) ## Transcript And we're here talking about Love and Money. When you're looking for love, do you have a financial deal breaker? Well the recent survey by Experian found that half of married couples belive credit scores were key in picking their partner. So if you found out that your date had a massive credit card balance, or a horrible credit score, would you run in the other direction? Tiffany, you've been with your steady for about a year and a half. Mm- hm. Shannon, you're married, and Mario, you're with your lovely lady, not married yet. Mm- hm. Let's say that you learn that your significant other suddenly oh, by the way, I've got piles and piles of debt and I never told you. How would you react, Tiffany? I'd say it depends. What kind of debt is it? Is it student loan debt? Which kind of makes sense. Is it, maybe you have a mortgage, which would make sense. Now if it's credit card debt, and you are continuing to display those bad habits, then maybe I'm gonna have an issue with that. Because it means that we're not gonna get ahead for. But I'm gonna challenge you. Mm- hm. Cuz these days, student loans could be six figures. Yes. Mario. That's me. I'm talking about, you have over six, well, six figures in, in student loan debt. Correct. Right. Well, you brought this up to your girlfriend you were kind of nervous about it. I was, yeah, I was pretty nervous, very nervous, in fact. You know, I did the whole, like ,. You know, we have to talk listen we need to have a serious conversation, so we'll set time aside for that sort of thing. Her reaction is basically something like, yeah, I figured, you know. Really? Yes, yes. I mean, she knew I had gone to grad school and she knew I finished pretty recently, can't take it back. At what point did you break this information? Oh, gosh. I think it was a. Maybe five or six dates in, I think. Okay, wow. Yeah, maybe a month or so after we started dating. Good for you, good for you. Yeah. Not everyone's as transparent. Shannon, you're married. Let's just say hypothetically he says, comes to you and says, hey sweetie, guess what? I actually have this, you know, car payment or this student loan, or this outstanding credit card bill that I never paid. Wouldn't it tick you off? Yeah at this point after the amount of budgeting talks we've had that was certainly be a problem. But I was in Mario's situation, you know, when my husband was my boyfriend and talked about moving in. I realized if we going to get serious I should tell him that I have student loan debt and credit card debt and I was terrified. You know. I didn't think he was going to leave me per sayed if we. Thought is he going to think I'm irresponsible? Is he going to judge me? Will this change the way I look in his eyes? So it was a very difficult conversation but definitely glad I had it. Well what do you think about this experience survey that says credit scores are actually quite important to people in the dating world? How important is something like our credit scores these days? Well for me because I teach people to raise their credit scores my boyfriend's credit score was in the. High 500's, which is basically terrible and so I helped him and coached him and got him to the mid 700's, which is excellent. So your credit score, to me, is not as important, as long as you are willing to take the steps to improve it. What's your biggest financial deal breaker? Consistent behavior of spending more than you make and not saving for the future and not. And really not having a plan and not sticking to anything. Alright. Well thank you so much for sharing and being candid and honest on a topic that's kind of touchy. But you guys, sounds like you're in good relationships and there's a lot of communication. So good luck to you and happy New Year. For more Love and Money videos stay here at money. com. 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