--- description: John Gottman can listen to a couple for 5 minutes and determine, with 91% accuracy, whether they’ll divorce. He was featured in Malcolm Gladwell’s book... title: These 4 Things Kill Relationships image: https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/blt4e979e2d44c7c0e4/6986a0c506f2c167633306f9/holding-hands1.jpg?branch=production&width=3840&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=16:9 ---  * [Ideas](/section/ideas/) ## Ideas Update your preferences in [Account Settings](/account/preferences/) Close * [Psychology](/tag/psychology/) ## Psychology Update your preferences in [Account Settings](/account/preferences/) Close # These 4 Things Kill Relationships by [Eric Barker](/author/eric-barker/) ## Eric Barker Update your preferences in [Account Settings](/account/preferences/) Close Aug 26, 2014 4:01 AM CUT  Female and male connecting by fingers Female and male connecting by fingersGetty Images by [Eric Barker](/author/eric-barker/) ## Eric Barker Update your preferences in [Account Settings](/account/preferences/) Close Aug 26, 2014 4:01 AM CUT John Gottman can listen to a couple for 5 minutes and determine, with 91% accuracy, whether they’ll divorce. He was featured in Malcolm Gladwell’s book [Blink](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0316010669/ref=as%5Fli%5Fss%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=0316010669&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20 "undefined"). Gottman’s researched marriage for over 40 years and couples that attend his workshops have half the relapse rate that standard therapy provides. His book [The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0609805797/ref=as%5Fli%5Fss%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=0609805797&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20 "undefined") is excellent and rich with information. In it he debunks a lot of myths about marriage, explains why marriages go bad and what can be done about it. ## **The Four Horsemen** How can he tell who will split up? There are a number of indicators but at the core of Gottman’s research are ” The Four Horsemen.” These are the four things that indicate a marriage apocalypse is on its way: * **Criticism** – Complaints are fine. Criticism is more global — it attacks the person, not their behavior. They didn’t take out the garbage because they forgot, but because they’re _a bad person_. * **Contempt** – _“…name-calling, eye-rolling, sneering, mockery, and hostile humor. In whatever form, contempt – the worst of the four horsemen – is poisonous to a relationship because it conveys disgust. It’s virtually impossible to resolve a problem when your partner is getting the message that you’re disgusted with him or her.”_ * **Defensiveness** – _“…defensiveness is really a way of blaming your partner. You’re saying, in effect, ‘The problem isn’t me, it’s you.’ Defensiveness just escalates the conflict, which is why it’s so deadly.”_ * **Stonewalling** – Tuning out. Disengaging. This doesn’t just remove the person from the conflict, it ends up removing them, emotionally, from the relationship. ## ## **What was the biggest insight about marriage?** What surprised me the most? Gottman’s research reveals that major differences of opinion don’t destroy marriages, it’s how a couple deals with them. 69% of a couple’s problems are perpetual. These problems don’t go away yet many couples keep arguing about them year after year: --- > “” --- How do good marriages deal with issues that can’t be resolved? They accept one another as-is: --- > “” --- ### See Photos of Love and Courtship in 1950s Japan  A young couple on a date in a cafe in Tokyo. John Dominis—The LIFE Picture Collection/Getty Images  A Shibui dance function in Tokyo where young people would go to meet other young people in hopes of finding a partner. JOHN DOMINIS—THE LIFE PICTURE COLLECTION/GETTY IMAGES  A Shibui dance function in Tokyo where young people would go to meet other young people in hopes of finding a partner. JOHN DOMINIS—THE LIFE PICTURE COLLECTION/GETTY IMAGES  A young couple walking around in the Ginza district of Tokyo. 1959. JOHN DOMINIS—THE LIFE PICTURE COLLECTION/GETTY IMAGES  Akiksuke Tsutsui, left, bids his girlfriend, Chiyoko Inami, farewell as her train departs. March 1959. JOHN DOMINIS—THE LIFE PICTURE COLLECTION/GETTY IMAGES  Akiksuke Tsutsui, left, and his girlfriend Chiyoko Inami, right, walking around in the Ginza district during their lunch hour. March 1959. JOHN DOMINIS—THE LIFE PICTURE COLLECTION/GETTY IMAGES  Nohito Mukai, left, and his girlfriend, Hiroko Inayaki, go roller skating on a date in Tokyo. March 1959. JOHN DOMINIS—THE LIFE PICTURE COLLECTION/GETTY IMAGES  Hiroko Inayaki, left, goes for a drive with her boyfriend, Nohito Mukai. March 1959. JOHN DOMINIS—THE LIFE PICTURE COLLECTION/GETTY IMAGES  Takahide Inayama (Age 20), left, and his girlfriend, Mitusyo Ogama (Age 20), both are university students. Seen here picking out apples on a date near their university. 1959 JOHN DOMINIS—THE LIFE PICTURE COLLECTION/GETTY IMAGES  Chiyoko Inami, left, and her boyfriend, Akiksuke Tsutsui, playing a game on a train headed to Kyoto to meet Tsutsui's family. March, 1959. JOHN DOMINIS—THE LIFE PICTURE COLLECTION/GETTY IMAGES  A young couple out on a date in Tokyo. 1959 JOHN DOMINISÑTHE LIFE PICTURE COLLECTION/GETTY IMAGES  Young couple visiting a bridge near the Imperial Palace. 1959 JOHN DOMINIS—THE LIFE PICTURE COLLECTION/GETTY IMAGES  A young couple takes a "selfie" on a self-timer on their camera. 1959 JOHN DOMINIS—THE LIFE PICTURE COLLECTION/GETTY IMAGES  Chiyoko Inami, left, and her boyfriend, Akiksuke Tsutsui, right, sharing an intimate moment on a date. March, 1959. JOHN DOMINIS—THE LIFE PICTURE COLLECTION/GETTY IMAGES  A young couple making out on a date in a park in Tokyo. 1959. JOHN DOMINISÑTHE LIFE PICTURE COLLECTION/GETTY IMAGES ## **What makes a marriage flourish?** The book is loaded with powerful information, anecdotes and advice. I’ll cover three useful elements here. 1) Really knowing each other is vital: --- > “” --- 2) When fighting, do your best to avoid using the word _you_ and try to use the word _I_. This makes it much easier to express feelings and much harder to attack the other person. 3) What’s the most powerful little exercise to improve a marriage? “Reunite at the end of the day and talk about how it went.” The goal is to bleed off stress from the day so it can’t negatively affect your relationship. A few other interesting bits: * “…an unhappy marriage can increase your chances of getting sick by roughly 35% and even shorten your life by an average of four years.” * “96% of the time you can predict the outcome of a conversation based on the first three minutes of the fifteen minute interaction…” * “I’ve found 94 percent of the time that couples who put a positive spin on their marriage’s history are likely to have a happy future as well. When happy memories are distorted, it’s a sign that the marriage needs help.” There’s too much information in the book for me to really do it justice here. If the subject is of interest to you, check it out: [The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0609805797/ref=as%5Fli%5Fss%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=0609805797&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20 "undefined"). **Join over 161,000 readers.** Get a free weekly update via email [here](http://eepurl.com/o6uAD "undefined"). Related posts: [The Science Of “Happily Ever After”: 3 Things That Keep Love Alive](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2014/04/happily-ever-after/ "undefined") [What are the 5 things that make love last?](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2012/11/what-makes-love-last/ "undefined") [What should you look for in a marriage partner?](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2012/07/what-you-should-look-for-in-a-marriage-partne-31938/ "undefined") _This piece originally appeared on_ [_Barking Up the Wrong Tree_](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/ "undefined")_._ _Read next:_ [_10 Rules to Make Your Relationship Last_](http://time.com/3667105/make-relationship-last/?xid=time%5Freadnext "undefined") [_Listen to the most important stories of the day._](http://time.com/newsletter/the-brief/?sl%5Fautoplay=true&xid=spl-fullbrief-article "undefined") ```json [{"@context":"https://schema.org","@type":"OpinionNewsArticle","@id":"https://time.com/3174575/these-4-things-kill-relationships/","mainEntityOfPage":{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https://time.com/3174575/these-4-things-kill-relationships/"},"headline":"These 4 Things Kill Relationships","datePublished":"2014-08-26T04:01:21.000Z","dateModified":"2026-05-11T04:49:48.614Z","description":"John Gottman can listen to a couple for 5 minutes and determine, with 91% accuracy, whether they’ll divorce. 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