--- title: 5 Key Components of a Good Apology description: Apologies do make a difference. People often prefer them over money, even if they’re just cheap talk. What does the research say about the best... canonical: https://time.com/3161274/5-key-components-of-a-good-apology/ author: Eric Barker article:opinion: true article:content_tier: free article:published_time: 2014-08-30T04:01:50.000Z article:modified_time: 2026-04-13T08:54:38.040Z article:section: Ideas og:title: 5 Key Components of a Good Apology og:description: Apologies do make a difference. People often prefer them over money, even if they’re just cheap talk. og:url: https://time.com/3161274/5-key-components-of-a-good-apology/ og:site_name: TIME og:image: https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/bltc91b123e9337416e/6986a09d810bbb4adac9322e/sorry.jpg?branch=production&width=3840&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=16:9 og:image:width: 1200 og:image:height: 675 og:image:alt: sorry og:type: article twitter:card: summary_large_image twitter:title: 5 Key Components of a Good Apology twitter:description: Apologies do make a difference. People often prefer them over money, even if they’re just cheap talk. twitter:image: https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/bltc91b123e9337416e/6986a09d810bbb4adac9322e/sorry.jpg?branch=production&width=3840&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=16:9 ---  # 5 Key Components of a Good Apology by [Eric Barker](https://time.com/author/eric-barker/) ## Eric Barker Aug 30, 2014 4:01 AM UTC  Sorry SorryGetty Images by [Eric Barker](https://time.com/author/eric-barker/) ## Eric Barker Aug 30, 2014 4:01 AM UTC Apologies [do make a difference](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/does-saying-youre-sorry-really-make-a-differe). People often [prefer them over money](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/how-powerful-is-an-apology), even if they’re just cheap talk. _What does the research say about the best way to apologize?_ ## **One** Don’t apologize for what you think you did wrong. [Apologize for what _they_ think you did wrong:](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/whats-the-best-way-to-apologize) …victims reacted most positively to apologies that were congruent with their self-construals. ## **Two** The most effective apologies have four parts: Via [Wait: The Art and Science of Delay](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1610390040/ref=as%5Fli%5Fss%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=1610390040&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20&l=as2&o=1&a=1610390040): Aaron Lazare devotes two full chapters of [_On Apology_](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0195189116/ref=as%5Fli%5Fss%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=0195189116&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20) and much of his subsequent research to questions of timing and delay. He finds that effective apologies typically contain four parts: **1\. Acknowledge that you did it.** **2\. Explain what happened.** **3\. Express remorse.** **4\. Repair the damage, as much as you can.** This aligns with [previous research](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/what-are-the-secrets-to-a-good-apology) on effective apologies: Results indicated that relationships recovered significantly when offending partners used behaviors labeled as explicit acknowledgment, nonverbal assurance, and compensation. ## **Three** Timing is crucial — and faster is not better. People need to feel they are heard and understood so a delayed apology is actually more satisfying. Via [Wait: The Art and Science of Delay](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1610390040/ref=as%5Fli%5Fss%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=1610390040&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20&l=as2&o=1&a=1610390040): The results were stark: “Apology timing was positively correlated with outcome satisfaction; when the apology came later in the conflict, participants reported greater satisfaction.” Statistical tests showed that, the greater the delay, the more a victim felt heard and understood. With more time, there was more opportunity for voice and understanding. ## **Four** If it’s clear you intentionally did something wrong, you’re probably better off notapologizing. After intentional acts, apologies tend to [backfire and make things worse](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/if-its-clear-you-intentionally-did-something): An apology does not help at all after clearly intentionally committed offenses. On the contrary, after such offenses harmdoers do better not to apologize since sending an apology in this situation strongly increases punishment compared to remaining silent. ## **Five** Are they not accepting your apology? A _little_ guilting can be effective. Being reminded of times when they did something wrong makes people [more likely to accept apologies and forgive](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/what-makes-people-more-likely-to-forgive): …participants in the recall-self-as-wrongdoer condition were significantly more likely to accept the apology from the classmate and forgive the transgression. ## **A Final Tip** Hopefully you won’t need this list too often. However, you may want to keep the principles in mind for next time you get pulled over. Studies have shown that apologizing to the police [is one of the few effective ways to get out of a speeding ticket](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/what-should-you-say-to-the-police-when-you-ge). **Join over 90,000 readers and get a free weekly update via email** [**here**](http://eepurl.com/o6uAD)**.** Related posts: [How To Be Resilient: 8 Steps To Success When Life Gets Hard](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2014/07/how-to-be-resilient/) [What 10 things should you do every day to improve your life?](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2012/05/what-10-things-should-you-do-every-day-to-imp/) [How To Make Your Life Better By Sending Five Simple Emails](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2013/07/make-your-life-better/) _This piece originally appeared on_ [_Barking Up the Wrong Tree_](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/)_._ 5 Key Components of a Good Apology ```json [{"@context":"https://schema.org","@type":"OpinionNewsArticle","@id":"https://time.com/3161274/5-key-components-of-a-good-apology/","mainEntityOfPage":{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https://time.com/3161274/5-key-components-of-a-good-apology/"},"headline":"5 Key Components of a Good Apology","datePublished":"2014-08-30T04:01:50.000Z","dateModified":"2026-04-13T08:54:38.040Z","description":"Apologies do make a difference. People often prefer them over money, even if they’re just cheap talk. What does the research say about the best...","url":"https://time.com/3161274/5-key-components-of-a-good-apology/","keywords":["Psychology","advice"],"thumbnailUrl":"https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/bltc91b123e9337416e/6986a09d810bbb4adac9322e/sorry.jpg?branch=production&width=1200&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=1200:675&height=675","author":[{"@type":"Person","name":"Eric Barker","jobTitle":null,"url":"https://time.com/author/eric-barker/"}],"articleSection":"Ideas","image":[{"@type":"ImageObject","url":"https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/bltc91b123e9337416e/6986a09d810bbb4adac9322e/sorry.jpg?branch=production&width=1200&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=1200:675&height=675","width":1200,"height":675,"headline":"sorry","caption":"sorry","creditText":"Getty Images","representativeOfPage":true}],"publisher":{"@type":"Organization","name":"Time","url":"https://time.com/","logo":{"@type":"ImageObject","url":"https://time.com/images/logo.png","width":528,"height":156},"foundingDate":"March 3, 1923","sameAs":["https://www.facebook.com/time","https://www.instagram.com/time/?hl=en","https://twitter.com/time","https://www.pinterest.com/timemagazine"]}},{"@context":"https://schema.org","@type":"BreadcrumbList","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"item":{"@id":"/section/ideas/","name":"Ideas"}},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"item":{"@id":"/tag/psychology/","name":"Psychology"}},{"@type":"ListItem","position":3,"item":{"@id":"https://time.com/3161274/5-key-components-of-a-good-apology/","name":"5 Key Components of a Good Apology"}}]}] ```