In which Bill mansplains it all
This week on True Blood, the show’s worst season yet also the show’s best final season continues where it left off. Last week’s big cliff-hanger was that as Vampire Bill sat on True Death’s door he’s decided not to accept the cure. Turns out that he doesn’t want to be healed of Hep V and doesn’t want to continue his recently rekindled relationship with Sookie. Sorry, Sookie, he’s just not that into you.
Here’s what happened on True Blood:
In the wake of Bill’s decision to accept True Death instead of sucking on Sarah’s neck (can’t totally blame him for that choice), both Jessica and Sookie are nonplussed and making Emmy-worthy WTF faces. Bill shrugs and Jessica starts yelling and then Sookie starts yelling and as they holler his decisionmaking process becomes a little clearer. Sookie demands that he make a choice, because Bill’s leave-it-to-fate streak manages to even get under her skin, which is saying something. Bill nods. He gets it. He makes his choice: True Death over another few centuries with these two. Jessica gasps and demands answers. Sookie slaps him and demands answers. He says he can’t explain it. Sookie slaps him again, more deservedly this time. Eric finally steps in to put a stop to the slap fight (à la How I Met Your Mother a.k.a. the only show with a worse final season than this one). Jessica demands that Bill release her if he’s going to be such a dillweed and, with a soporific, wedding toast-esque speech that recounts their past, present and future, he does. Sookie wisely cuddles close to Eric’s chest as Bill leaves. As Jessica cries, Pam (Pam!) goes to comfort her with only a smidge of her characteristic causticness warning Jessica that if she cries on her jacket she owes her a new one.
In a fit of despair, Sookie finally remembers her old friend Sam. She heads to his trailer only to find it empty. Apparently Sam capitulated to Nicole’s ultimatum and made the “choice” to leave Bon Temps with his baby mama. Luckily he left Sookie a note (are shape shifters unable to get phone plans?) and as Sookie reads it, we get a dramatic re-enactment of Sam and Nicole packing up the truck and leaving town without bothering to say goodbye to his lifelong friends or, you know, renouncing his mayoralty.
Sookie heads to Sam’s old bar to break the news of his departure to everyone he knows. No one seems especially shocked or bothered by it, just clutching their fake pearls for a moment before turning back to helping Arlene get the party started at Bellefleur’s. Sookie takes Sheriff Andy into the backroom of the bar to give him the letter that Sam left him in private and, as it turns out, Sam did one thing right and did renounce his mayoralty. Jessica isn’t exactly in a party mood, but she is in a deeply thoughtful mood that allows her to forgive James and Lafayette for their transgressions. Then she heads to Hoyt’s house to seek his forgiveness for the things that he can’t even remember. Jessica shows up on his front steps just as he has convinced his girlfriend Bridget that she has nothing to worry about from “that redheaded vampire.” Hoyt’s pants must have been on fire when he said that, though, because the second Jessica shows up, he’s out the door to talk to her, despite Bridget’s ultimatum (the ladies of Bon Temps love the ultimatums) that if he goes, she goes. As Hoyt chases after Jessica to rekindle their romance, Bridget heads straight for Jason Stackhouse. As you do.
Over at Bellefleur’s, party pooper Sookie sits by herself at the bar while most of her nearest and dearest laugh, drink and lollygag at a table not 5 ft. away. Adilyn psychically asks her if she’s O.K., and she says no, so Arlene who boringly uses words to talk, goes to find out what’s up. Sookie tells her that Bill’s dying and finally admits that she held herself back from Alcide’s heart, if not his abs, because she wasn’t over Bill. Arlene smiles and nods politely at that slice of obvious cake she was just served and then tells Sookie that if she wants to move on with her life, she has to decide that she wants to. So Sookie does and goes to eat with her friends. It’s very easy to move past the death of one loved one and the impending death of another, apparently.
There’s a knock on Bill’s door. It’s Eric to the rescue or, you know, just to talk about feelings. He tells Bill that he understands his death wish, because he felt that way himself when he was infected. Bill just needs to get over himself and live … for Sookie. Bill explains that his death is the best thing for Sookie, even though she won’t see it that way for a while, if ever. It’s taken him centuries to work up an ego this large and he wants his last act on earth to be one of extreme arrogance and mansplaining. It’s best for everyone that way. He knows that Sookie only likes him because she is a fae and drawn to darkness, but she just won’t listen, so he has to die. He knows what’s best for her and so he is going to let himself find True Death. Much like Quaker Oats, it’s the right thing to do. Only hitch is, he doesn’t want to be the one to tell Sookie that he’s doing it for her. Damn woman won’t let him get a word in edgewise! (Seriously, was this episode written by Archie Bunker?) He wants Eric to do it for him. Instead of shaking some sense into him, Eric agrees on the grounds that this is the last favor that Bill ever ever gets to ask him. Bill smiles weakly.
Bridget calls Jason, who is the only person she knows in town, to come get her, but when Jason realizes the story that Jessica is about to tell Hoyt, he rushes over to defend his actions as best as someone who sleeps with his best friend’s girlfriend can do. Hoyt plays a one-man round of the knock-out game and fells Jason with one punch. He wakes up in his own squad car with Bridget driving him to the hospital. They head to his house instead and he uses his Southern charms, not to seduce her, but to get her airline ticket change fees waived, which is a true act of modern chivalry. In return, Bridget teaches him how not to sleep with women he shouldn’t.
Over at Fangtasia, Sarah is dragged upstairs. Not to die, but for dye. Pam announces that Sarah’s going back to blonde, and that’s not a euphemism. Out of boredom or an Oscar Wildean aesthetic demi-urge, Pam bleaches Sarah back to blonde and tells her the plan to drain her blood bit by bit and make a mazillion dollars.
Eric is lurking in the shadows as the party at Bellefleur’s breaks up and the sheriff happily watches everyone drunk-drive home. Eric pulls Sookie aside to tell her that Bill is not in fact acting like a “suicidal toddler” who can only say “because” when asked why he wants to die, but in fact has actual reasons behind his death wish. Sookie doesn’t buy it, but when Eric offers her a lift home so she’ll be there when Bill stops by to chat, she takes him up on it, because he’s Eric. She may be sad, but she’s not blind. He drops her off and she invites him in (not dumb, that Sookie), but he turns her down, because he’s not dumb either … sort of.
Back at Fangtasia, he decides to finally give resident barfly fangbanger Ginger what she wants. It takes about a minute, before Ginger is snoozing like a cat on the floor. He’s lucky that it was quick, because while he was making Ginger’s dreams come true, Pam was living in a nightmare. Gus Jr. had her tied to a table with a plus-size stake poised over her heart. Gus Jr. wants to know if Sookie knows the truth about Sarah. After a few false starts, Eric admits she does. Pam is given a momentary reprieve, but Gus Jr. wants Sookie’s address in restitution.
Over at Sookie’s house, Bill stands on the porch working up the courage to knock.