--- title: How to Read Body Language Like an Expert description: How important is body language? 55% of what you convey when you speak comes from body language. In fact, when you’re speaking about something emotional... canonical: https://time.com/3117238/4-secrets-to-reading-body-language-like-an-expert/ author: Eric Barker article:opinion: true article:content_tier: free article:published_time: 2014-08-18T04:01:14.000Z article:modified_time: 2026-08-04T07:44:24.247Z article:section: Ideas og:title: 4 Secrets to Reading Body Language Like an Expert og:description: "A female begins fascinating a male by smiling at him, raising her brows to make her eyes appear wider and more childlike, quickly lowering her lids while tucking her chin slightly down, in an effort to bring him closer..." og:url: https://time.com/3117238/4-secrets-to-reading-body-language-like-an-expert/ og:site_name: TIME og:image: https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/bltde093bcdab65f2d0/6988d9b9bc6cfc69913e2a3c/time-logo.jpg?branch=production og:image:width: 1200 og:image:height: 675 og:image:alt: TIME og:type: article twitter:card: summary_large_image twitter:title: 4 Secrets to Reading Body Language Like an Expert twitter:description: "A female begins fascinating a male by smiling at him, raising her brows to make her eyes appear wider and more childlike, quickly lowering her lids while tucking her chin slightly down, in an effort to bring him closer..." twitter:image: https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/bltde093bcdab65f2d0/6988d9b9bc6cfc69913e2a3c/time-logo.jpg?branch=production --- # 4 Secrets to Reading Body Language Like an Expert > Sponsored content. 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It explains how TIME's journalism is made, from the first pitch through the editorial decisions behind a finished story or cover. #### How can I read about how TIME chooses its covers? Inside TIME is the newsletter where TIME's Editor-in-Chief explains cover selection and the editorial reasoning behind major stories. It is free at time.com/newsletters. #### Who is the editor of TIME? Sam Jacobs is TIME's Editor-in-Chief. He writes Inside TIME, a twice-weekly newsletter about the newsroom's reporting and editorial decisions. #### Is Inside TIME free? Yes. Inside TIME is a free newsletter, available at time.com/newsletters. A paid TIME subscription is separate and available at time.com/subscribe-agent. ### Sources * TIME Newsletters: [time.com/newsletters](/c/time-nl-inside-2026q3/newsletters?i=2d20e0c9-da1e-409a-bfef-8ca163c90cba&cr=time-nl-inside-2026q3-v1) ## Video: The Nantucket Project: How Storytelling is Getting in The Way of Your Success [Watch (HLS stream): The Nantucket Project: How Storytelling is Getting in The Way of Your Success](https://cdn.jwplayer.com/manifests/HSYDj99Q.m3u8) (17:44)  _Published 2015-02-17. The Nantucket Project: How Storytelling is Getting in The Way of Your Success_ by [Eric Barker](https://time.com/author/eric-barker/) ## Eric Barker Aug 18, 2014 4:01 AM UTC by [Eric Barker](https://time.com/author/eric-barker/) ## Eric Barker Aug 18, 2014 4:01 AM UTC ## How important is body language? [55%](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/whats-more-important-body-language-tone-of-vo) of what you convey when you speak comes from body language. In fact, when you’re speaking about something emotional [only about 7% of what the other person hears has to do with the words you use](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/whats-more-important-what-you-say-or-how-you). More often than not you can tell what a politician thinks about an issue [just by watching their hands](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/can-you-tell-what-a-politician-thinks-about-a). Psychopaths can tell who would be a good victim [just by watching them walk](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/can-psychopaths-assess-vulnerability-just-by). In five minutes you can often evaluate people with [approximately 70% accuracy](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/is-five-minutes-all-it-takes-to-size-someone)… but obviously we’re wrong often, and that 30% can be very costly. **_What can the research teach us about better reading people’s body language?_** ## **What You’re Doing Wrong** In [The Silent Language of Leaders: How Body Language Can Help–or Hurt–How You Lead](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0470876360/ref=as%5Fli%5Fss%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=0470876360&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20) the author points out a number of common errors people make. Here’s how I interpreted the findings: * **Ignoring context**: Crossed arms don’t mean as much if the room is cold or the chair they’re sitting in doesn’t have armrests. Everything has to pass the common sense test given the environment. * **Not looking for clusters**: One of the biggest errors people make is looking for one single tell. That’s great in movies about poker players but in real life it’s a consistent grouping of actions (sweating, touching the face, and stuttering _together_) that is really going to tell you something. * **Not getting a baseline**: If someone is always jumpy, jumpiness doesn’t tell you anything. If someone is always jumpy and they suddenly stop moving — HELLO. * **Not being conscious of biases**: If you already like or dislike the person it’s going to affect your judgment. And if people [compliment](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/what-two-things-can-help-you-win-over-someone) you, are[similar](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/whats-the-key-to-being-liked-and-being-more-i) to you, are [attractive](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/whats-more-likely-to-land-you-a-job-a-referra)… these can all sway you, unconsciously. I know, you don’t fall for those tricks. Well, the biggest bias of all is thinking you’re [unbiased](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/which-people-are-most-likely-to-give-in-when). ### 5 Horrible Habits You Need to Stop Right Now  Do Not Email First Thing in the Morning or Last Thing at Night “The former scrambles your priorities and all your plans for the day and the latter just gives you insomnia,” says Ferriss, who insists “email can wait until 10am” or after you check off at least one substantive to-do list item. Chris Pecoraro—Getty Images  Do Not Agree to Meetings or Calls With No Clear Agenda or End Time “If the desired outcome is defined clearly… and there’s an agenda listing topics–questions to cover–no meeting or call should last more than 30 minutes,” claims Ferriss, so “request them in advance so you can ‘best prepare and make good use of our time together.'” Sam Edwards—Getty Images/Caiaimage  Do Not Check Email Constantly Batch it and check it only periodically at set times (Ferriss goes for twice a day). Your inbox is analogous to a cocaine pellet dispenser, says Ferriss. Don’t be an addict. Tools like strategic use of the auto responder and Boomerang can help. Jetta Productions—Getty Images  Do Not Carry a Digital Leash 24/7 At least one day a week leave you smartphone somewhere where you can’t get easy access to it. If you’re gasping, you’re probably the type of person that most needs to do kick this particular habit. by nacoki ( MEDIA ARC )—Getty Images/Flickr RF  Do Not Let People Ramble Sounds harsh, but it’s necessary, Ferriss believes. “Small talk takes up big time,” he says, so when people start to tell you about their weekends, cut them off politely with something like “I’m in the middle of something, but what’s up?” But be aware, not everyone agrees with this one (and certainly not in every situation), and you may want to pay particularly close attention to norms around chit chat when traveling internationally. Reza Estakhrian—Getty Images ## **What To Focus On** What signals can and should you trust when trying to get a “read” on someone? They need to be **unconscious behaviors that are not easily controlled and convey a clear message.** In [Honest Signals: How They Shape Our World](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0262515121/ref=as%5Fli%5Fss%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=0262515121&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20&l=as2&o=1&a=0262515121), the authors point out three to keep your eye on: * **Speech mimicry and** **behavioral** **mimicry:** Are they using the same words you use? Speaking at a similar speed and tone? Are they sitting the way you sit? Is a subtle, unconscious game of follow-the-leader going on? This is a sign the other person feels emotionally in sync with you. It _can_ be faked but that’s rare and difficult to pull off consistently across a conversation. * **Activity level:** As a general rule, activity levels indicate interest and excitement. (Often when a woman is bouncing her foot during a date [it means she’s interested in the man she’s with.](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/can-you-tell-whether-a-woman-is-interested-in)**)** * **Consistency of emphasis and timing:** This is a sign of focus and control. Someone who is less consistent is less sure of themselves and more open to influence. ## **Specifics To Look For** Contextually vetted, baseline adjusted clusters are your best bet… but research has shown some specifics are often decent indicators. Crossed legs are a very bad sign during negotiations. Via [The Silent Language of Leaders: How Body Language Can Help–or Hurt–How You Lead](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0470876360/ref=as%5Fli%5Fss%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=0470876360&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20): **Crossed legs can have a devastating effect on a negotiation.** In [How to Read a Person Like a Book](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0757003141/ref=as%5Fli%5Fss%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=0757003141&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20), authors Gerard I. Nierenberg and Henry H. Calero reported that the number of times settlements were reached increased greatly when both negotiators had uncrossed their legs. In fact, they found that **out of two thousand videotaped transactions, not one resulted in a settlement when even one of the negotiators had his or her legs crossed.** There’s a consistent cluster that has been seen among people who are trying to cheat you. Via [Wray Herbert](http://www.psychologicalscience.org/index.php/news/were-only-human/how-to-spot-a-scoundrel-fidgeting-and-trust.html), author of [On Second Thought: Outsmarting Your Mind’s Hard-Wired Habits](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0307461645/ref=as%5Fli%5Fss%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&tag=spacforrent-20&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=0307461645): **Again and again, it was a cluster of four cues: hand touching, face touching, crossing arms, and leaning away. None of these cues foretold deceit by itself, but together they transformed into a highly accurate signal. And the more often the participants used this particular cluster of gestures, the less trustworthy they were in the subsequent financial exchange.** Who should you trust? Look for people who are [consistently emotionally expressive](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/how-can-you-know-who-to-trust) in their body language: **These results suggest that cooperators may be more emotionally expressive than non-cooperators. We speculate that emotional expressivity can be a more reliable signal of cooperativeness than the display of positive emotion alone.** And look at people’s hands. Palm down gestures indicate power. Palm up shows submission. The New York Times cites Adam Kendon, author of [Gesture: Visible Action as Utterance](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0521542936/ref=as%5Fli%5Fss%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&tag=spacforrent-20&linkCode=as2&camp=217145&creative=399373&creativeASIN=0521542936), on the deeper meaning of hand positions: **Gestures of the Open Hand Prone or “palm down” family are used in contexts where something is being denied, negated, interrupted or stopped, whether explicitly or by implication. Open hand Supine (or “palm up”) family gestures, on the other hand, are used in contexts where the speaker is offering, giving or showing something or requesting the reception of something…** Keep in mind that men and women differ in body language. For instance, they flirt differently: Via [Fascinate: Your 7 Triggers to Persuasion and Captivation](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0061714704/ref=as%5Fli%5Fss%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=0061714704&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20): **A female begins fascinating a male by smiling at him, raising her brows to make her eyes appear wider and more childlike, quickly lowering her lids while tucking her chin slightly down, in an effort to bring him closer. After averting her gaze to the side, she will, within moments and almost without exception, put her hands on or near her mouth and giggle, lick her lips, or thrust out her chest while gazing at the object of her intended affection. And it’s consistent, regardless of language, socioeconomic status, or religious upbringing. For men, says Rodgers, the fascination ritual is less submissive but no less standardized. He’ll puff out his chest, jut his chin, arch his back, gesture with his hands and arms, and swagger in dominant motions to draw attention to his power…** ## **How To Get Better At Reading Body Language** First, **pay attention.** Sounds obvious but you’re probably not doing it consistently throughout the conversation. Dynamics change, especially when you’re dealing with someone who is actively trying to deceive you. Unless they’re _very_ good, inconsistencies will arise (“leakage”) and you can get insight into how they really feel. You’ll improve dramatically by addressing the four weaknesses pointed out in [The Silent Language of Leaders:](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0470876360/ref=as%5Fli%5Fss%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=0470876360&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20) * **Consider context**: _Should someone in this situation be acting like this?_ * **Look for clusters of actions, not isolated ones**: _All three of those behaviors are associated with…?_ * **Get a baseline**: _How do they normally act?_ * **Be aware of your biases**: _Are you tempted to cut them slack and they haven’t started speaking yet?_ Your abilities will make a quantum leap if you realize that body language is part of a bigger context and a bigger cluster and you start monitoring the other facets of behavioral interaction: voice, appearance, clothing, etc. These can help you evaluate the whole package: * What does [clothing](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/do-clothes-make-the-man-can-you-really-dress) tell you? How about [shoes](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/can-you-tell-a-lot-about-someone-just-from-lo)? * What does someone’s [voice](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/what-is-your-voice-telling-others-about-you) tell [you](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/5-things-you-didnt-know-about-your-voice)? * What does a [face tell you](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/5-things-you-can-tell-about-someone-just-by-l)? How about a [quick glance](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/5-things-you-can-tell-about-someone-after-jus)? * What are 10 instances when you should [trust your gut](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/what-are-ten-instances-when-you-should-defini)? Related posts: * [**_How To Be Resilient: 8 Steps To Success When Life Gets Hard_**](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2014/07/how-to-be-resilient/) * [**_What 10 things should you do every day to improve your life?_**](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2012/05/what-10-things-should-you-do-every-day-to-imp/) * [**_How To Make Your Life Better By Sending Five Simple Emails_**](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2013/07/make-your-life-better/) **Join over 90,000 readers and get a free weekly update via email** [**here**](http://eepurl.com/o6uAD)**.** _This piece originally appeared on_ [_Barking_](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/)[ _Up the Wrong Tree_](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/)_._ _Read next:_ [_6 Body Language Mistakes You Don’t Know You’re Making_](http://time.com/3686789/body-language-mistakes/?xid=time%5Freadnext) ## Transcript [ MUSIC ] The Nantucket Project. Every year, The Nantucket Project invites leaders from business, sports, academia, government and the arts to give The Talk of Their Lives. Before the weekend ends, our audience singles out one talk from the dozens they're heard as the highest impact. I'm a total junkie for story. I read and write and live by them and every couple of years, I write some down and then I go city to city and read from my books. And over all these years trafficking in story, I've noticed a little problem which is the standard pieces of good story, at least judging by what we teach and also by what we reward most handsomely, can get in the way of reaching of what I consider to be the Mount Everest of human emotions which is to say the very hardest place to get to. But also where the views are sort of life- changing, choose acceptance. And by accept, I mean, when we acknowledge the nature of the beast, and the beast's nature. So, another way to get at it is to look at the antonyms for accept, which are reject, spurn, deny. Another way to get at it is to talk about Temple Grandin, the famous gifted artistic woman who knew early on as did everyone whoever met her that her mind work differently and rather than deny or reject that or try to fix it, she said this is how my mind works and I'm going to work with what I have got. And, as you probably know, she totally revolutionized the way we treat cattle in this country. So I posted, to get sort of real world on this, I posted on my Facebook page what have you had to accept over your lifetime and what happened after you accepted it. And then about ten minutes I got a master's degree in higher order processing. My friends have had to accept multiple sclerosis, brain damage, stage IV ovarian cancer, four types of addiction, losing a father to murder, a mother to suicide. Everything to a fire, a son who has Rett syndrome, a daughter with diabetes, a son who wants to become a daughter. And all manner of ****. [ LAUGH ] Boss, stepfather, ex. Here's a short list of things that we are all invited to accept, over a lifetime. Our childhoods, which include the flaws of our mothers and fathers. And the cruelties of the neighborhood kid, and the prom date. And the coach we thought had our back. Our children and their mysterious insecurities and tattoos and scars and lost potential. And choice in mates. Our spouses and the many thing they do different from us. Ourselves. The deadly sins, all seven of them. The weather, inconvenient or ruthless. And the irreversible trajectory of all human bodies. So clearly acceptance, arduous though it is, is going to be required of us. Thankfully acceptance gives back. In every single response on Facebook the person said that once they actually crossed over. They set loose an internal freedom what they've never known and that created a possibility for a qualitatively different kind of happiness and productivity. I got going on this whole acceptance thing about four or five years ago when I started working on this book, Glitter and Glue, which I thought was going to be about being a nanny but it turned out to be about my mother. Who like to say your father's the glitter but I'm the glue. [ LAUGH ] [ LAUGH ] My mother and I have virtually nothing in common. I am a dance on the table until midnight extrovert. effusive, affectionate, second- guessing, self- doubting woman who like nothing better than a long hug and a good cry. And my mother, do you watch Downtown Abbey? [ LAUGH ] My mother's Maggie Smith. She is an old school opinionated woman who like nothing better than what she calls a party for one. [ INAUDIBLE ] [ LAUGH ] Which sounds a lot more interesting than it is, I assure you. [ LAUGH ] It's when you pour a nice glad of chardonnay over ice. And you take off your bra, and you grab your library book, and go somewhere no one can find. Now, I have a lot of stories about my mom, and I've been telling them my whole life. Like, for instance, she's a chronic regifter. And by regifting, she takes it to a whole new level. Which is to say, if you were to give her anything, like the bag of goodies I got upon arrival, she would open them very gingerly. And then she would write in pencil on the bottom what it was. And then she would take it home and put it in her closet, her gift closet. And then right before Christmas, she sets up what she calls the store. [ LAUGH ] Which is in the upstairs bedroom that's empty. She lays out all the things she's been given over the course of the year. The lotions and the candles and the strange scarves. And, then puts a little price tag on them and she sells them to her children. [ LAUGH ]. [ LAUGH ] So that we can give them to our aunts and uncles and godparents who we've forgotten to buy a gift for. [ LAUGH ] And I asked her if she minded me telling you that and she said, Betty Moran told me re- gifting is green. [ LAUGH ]. But strangely, in the process of thinking her through it takes years to write a book. There's so many rewrites and conversations. I finally stopped trying to change her. To make her more liberal or spendy or outgoing or even to just to get her switch from Folger's coffee crystals to brewed coffee. [ LAUGH ] I understood for the first time that her way of being in the world is the right way for her. And sometimes, when I'm accepting her, it spills over into my ability to embrace the reality of my own children. And even occassionally, my husband. Though not when he packs the dishwasher because in that case, he does it wrong. [ LAUGH ] Life Mount Everest, acceptance is a really hard place to stay. The air is thin. And I find that I keep falling back into the fight for things to conform to how they should and should not be. And I think those expectations are established. by the conscious and subconscious and sometimes totally unconscious pull to narrative. It's glorious arcs and it's promising, reassuring internal logics that, like it or not, life refuses to replicate. So if you think about it, we learn in elementary school and then again in middle school and again in high school, to look for the five part dramatic structure that's underneath all the stories we're consuming. Exposition, rising action, climax, falling action, best of all, denouement, which is a French word that means untie. But my daughter's teacher defined it as the catharsis following, a return to normality. Doesn't that sound fabulous? [ LAUGH ] Then we graduate into the world and we consume and, and produce all kinds of content, literary and cinematic and lyrical. And the world says, you want a winning story. Give me a character I can root for, take him on a journey, and give me a resolution. This goes way back, of course, to Homer and Shakespeare, where certain appetites were created, or maybe just reinforced. For instance, the heroes we love to love are the reluctant nominees like Odysseus. The villains we love to hate are the unseemly power grabbers like Lady Macbeth, which is fine for fiction. The problem is when we start wanting and even expecting real regular people to behave like the archetypal characters we know from our favorite stories. So for a tiny example of narratives influence, in politics the reluctant hero thing goes, if you really want me to run, I will. Nobody ever says I've wanted to be president since I was in kindergarten. In my world, the world of writing, it goes, I didn't hunt down an agent or corner the editor at the party. I was discovered. [ LAUGH ] We lean towards stories of destiny. An organic rise confers authenticity. And that is established or reinforced, or some unholy cycle of the two ,. By story and that might be making it harder to set partners and candidates and colleagues who are staying in this tiny case, a complex mix of ambition and good luck. Speaking of spurning complect, complexity, I was watching cable news in the airport and there were stories about Hillary Clinton and their doctor who performed Joan Rivers' last procedure. And, of course, Roger Goodell. Depending on what channel you watch, they're idiots or prodigies, schemers or innocents. Nobody, it seems, can resist the pull to narrative and that's making for a whole lot of anger and intolerance this isn't much different of course, than the leaders of startups who continually edit their narrative until it seems like one predestined step after another. It's all totally understandable. But these sorts of legendary rises can be fatally dangerous to fledgling inventors and entrepreneurs, who were planning to get to the Holy Land by surface streets instead of rocket ships. Speaking of fatally discouraging, every high school kid I know has bought into this powerful myth. Hero works hard. Hero goes to Yale. Hero has great life, which leaves the community college kids and the kids who worked very hard but got rejected anyway agonizing over the unthinkable fate that awaits them. And God help the heroes who went to Yale and are not having a great life. Most dangerously, though, spontaneous narrative structuring happens, and it happens all the time, between friends. Journalists talk about this thing. It's a tension between truth- telling and something they refer broadly, refer to broadly as civic uplift. Which is sort of shaping the story to give the public what the public needs, especially during times of crisis. I think we might all be participating in casual civic uplifting. It's hyper apparent now, as we all become micro medio, media outlets on Facebook and Instagram and Twitter. Presenting thin- sliced versions of our lives, mastering the art of the interpersonal headline. It's harmless, or maybe this is why teen depression and anxiety are at record levels. Because their lives are publicly and quantitatively less populated and eventful than @ jennygogo's. And Ryan and his 764 Instagram friends who follow him everywhere. Where long form nuanced interaction is concerned. We're so out of practice, we almost don't know how. I was recently in a room of adults. And a kid was behind us on the floor, making this crazy collage that made no sense. And while some of us are sorta awkwardly struggling to get a conversation going with her, her basketball playing brother came home and everyone spun around and said, did you win? What was the score? The team lost it turns out, because the refs were blind. And voila, we had a villain. Here was a plot we all knew how to discuss. All the while, the already kid noodled on the floor behind us with her amorphous project that nobody knew how to talk about. Speaking of things people don't know how to talk about, I had cancer in my 30s, and it was kind of stunning how many conversations that year included. Was it in your family? You're so brave and what a wake up call. I totally appreciate that it is unbearable for bad things to just happen unbidden. I feel the same way all the time. But the truth is, that after every one of those conversations I felt a little heavy hearted. Like I couldn't give them the civic uplift they were asking for. I don't have the genetic predisposition which would have been a nice first chapter of my story. There's not one heroic thing about me, and though it would have been nice to claim that cancer reprioritized my life, I didn't need a wake up call. I already knew that I was lucky. We do this for a lot of reasons besides the biggie which is our kind of old as time caveman craving for order and reason. One reason is to establish consistency. So we want to feel integrated across the stages and compartments of our lives. I call it the interview effect or the first date effect, which is when you're. Job as Class Secretary in tenth grade led to your Organizational Development Degree at Stanford which led to consulting for the Fortune 500 which led to the creation of your firm. And then you know, look at the pain that's caused by perceived inconsistencies, like gay christians or libertarian artists or philanthropic dopers. Another reason we do it is to suspend reality. I mean who really wants to face an impending financial reckoning? Or deal with a souring marriage? Who wants to say their candidate blew it? Or that some problems cannot be straightened out just by cleaning house? And sometimes we artificially flavor as a means to invention, so we articulate this vision using all the heartening beats of narrative. And it's an essential step in creating something new. We tell our investors and our job candidates and our early adopters the story of how our essential whatever. Emerged organically from a latent need only we could see. But the simplified narratives that we're creating and projecting and consuming, tempt us into forgetting that family, more than the milestone birthdays, is a dicey damn business. And marriage has hardly a thing to do with anniversary dinners. Products often fail and policies usually come up short one way or another. All the Photoshopping, literally and metaphorically, is leaving us feeling ripped off when our heroes have colossal blind spots. When our most important relationships go in circles. And when catharsis, followed by a return to normalcy, is nowhere to be found. I do know a few people who seem to live with a kind of radical honesty, who rarely negate or reject that which makes them uncomfortable. One is my cousin Kathy who lost her 19 year old, the great, but not perfect Aaron Zentgraf in a car accident. She told me once that for many years she asked herself why did this happen and she finally figured it out. It happened because it can. Cars can flip, glass can break, metal can pierce. Seeing that clearly, accepting the unadulterated reality, set her free. So here's a few things that we can do. Check in daily with complex content. Long- form journalist, journalism. I still love The New Yorker but I'm also reading everyday on medium. com. Literary fiction. HBO. Have you seen The Leftovers? [ APPLAUSE ] Yeah! My one person. But that's really com, that is really complex storytelling. To be on guard for the cognitive moment. When people become characters, when a series of events becomes a plot, when endings become tidy. I know that I'm tacking on a [ UNKNOWN ] when I hear myself invoke destiny with lines like, I could have told you from day one, and absolutisms like always, only, everyone. Catharsis is created, not found. Which means, all resolutions, and this is such great news, is of our making. And maybe our best defense against narrative creep, and the unnecessary, and sometimes, even crippling dissatisfaction it can generate. Is to keep at least one confidant on all matters. A real friend, with whom we trade the unadorned truth of our lives. Non- conforming, inconsistent, notably deficient in many areas. That's the shared reality we're being asked to accept and that's the mountain I hope to summit before it's all over. Maybe I'll see you there. 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