When someone named Jonathan Van Meter interviews the actress who plays Serena Van der Woodsen, you just know it’s gonna be good, especially when it starts with a Blake Lively in overalls, Louboutins, and a poncho-blanket.
Here’s what we learned from Lively’s cover story in Vogue, which pitches her as the next big “celebrity homemaker.”
1) Blake Lively’s sense of humor is either genius or nonexistent:
Pro tip: If your friends have to say “hahahahaaaa” to let other people know you’re making a joke, maybe it’s not funny? Like this rather mean joke about a not-nice restaurant.
2) You do not want Blake Lively to be your editor:
Because you’ll never be allowed to use the word “thing:”
3) Martha Stewart is her Olivia Pope:
…And sent her Gladiators to save Blake’s wedding to Ryan Reynolds from total catastrophe:
4) But even Martha couldn’t keep Florence Welch from ruining everything at her wedding!
With her dumb sparklers that destroyed Blake’s wedding dress and broke her heart:
You hear that? “Preserved…” Could the Florence Welch sparkler incident have provided the inspiration for Blake’s new lifestyle website, Preserve?
5) Blake is totally sick of being a young actress and wants to be an old actress already:
She’s sick of playing boring roles like Serena Van der Woodsen:
And wants instead to play “complex” roles like the super-young mother of super-old Ellen Burstyn in this new movie The Age of Adaline that sounds a lot like Tuck Everlasting. Because aging in Hollywood sounds like so much fun.
6) So she calls Ryan Reynolds “darling,” like an old-timey actress would do:
It was not immediately verifiable whether she pronounces it “darling” or “dahling.”
And wants him to be a patriarch:
7) She eats so much! Seriously, guys!
Who even knows how she stays so svelte?
This is where it would be great to have a friend go “hahahaaaa.”
Ladies and gentlemen, a round of applause for the next Gwyneth Paltrow.