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The 7 Most Ridiculous Things in Vogue‘s Blake Lively Profile

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US actress Blake Lively poses as she arrives for the screening of the film "Captives" at the 67th edition of the Cannes Film Festival in Cannes, southern France, on May 16, 2014. VALERY HACHE--AFP/Getty Images VALERY HACHE—AFP/Getty Images

Martha Stewart is her Olivia Pope

When someone named Jonathan Van Meter interviews the actress who plays Serena Van der Woodsen, you just know it’s gonna be good, especially when it starts with a Blake Lively in overalls, Louboutins, and a poncho-blanket.

Here’s what we learned from Lively’s cover story in Vogue, which pitches her as the next big “celebrity homemaker.”

1) Blake Lively’s sense of humor is either genius or nonexistent:

Lively has a tendency toward deadpan humor, often delivered with a laconic stare that can make it difficult to figure out whether she is joking or not. “When I say something funny, I don’t laugh,” she says, “so my friends are always like, ‘Hahahahaaaa!’ so people know. When I’m not with them, I always think, This person doesn’t know I’m funny; they just think I’m a jerk.”

Pro tip: If your friends have to say “hahahahaaaa” to let other people know you’re making a joke, maybe it’s not funny? Like this rather mean joke about a not-nice restaurant.

She stares at me with a look that says, Really? It came highly recommended, I say. “By whom,” she asks, “someone who hates us?” It takes a second for me to get that she’s kidding (I think). A waiter approaches us to ask if we’d like to start with something to drink. “Can I have the French onion soup to drink?” says Lively. “I’m sorry?” says the waiter. “See what happens?” Lively says to me. “You have to be my laugh track.”

2) You do not want Blake Lively to be your editor:

Because you’ll never be allowed to use the word “thing:”

“With the bow-tie story,” she says, “I think by shifting into the first person, he would be able to make it a lot more personal . . . that authentic, sort of flawed voice that we’ve been trying to accomplish. I was a little liberal with my revisions. But the humor was already there, so I just went with it.” She flips through the pile of manuscripts in her lap, turning to a different piece. “I think the writer should just scrap it and start over. Because this guy’s work is beautiful . . . but what’s the story? Why bags? Why leather? Why the European military influence?” She pauses for a moment. “And one small thing, which shows up in every piece: the word things. My dad was an English professor. There’s always a more eloquent, descriptive word.”

3) Martha Stewart is her Olivia Pope:

…And sent her Gladiators to save Blake’s wedding to Ryan Reynolds from total catastrophe:

Stewart also acted as a fairy godmother, watching over Blake and Ryan’s wedding. “Our wedding was becoming a disaster, and we didn’t know what to do, so we called Martha! She said, ‘Don’t worry. I’ll handle it.’ She sent her team down to save us. And then she called her friends who have a home in South Carolina and set us up at the most amazing getaway. This is the day of our wedding!”

It’s handled.

4) But even Martha couldn’t keep Florence Welch from ruining everything at her wedding!

With her dumb sparklers that destroyed Blake’s wedding dress and broke her heart:

Florence Welch was singing at the reception, and they brought out these sparklers, and I’m watching her sing. I look down and my wedding dress has a big burn mark from one of the sparklers. Right on the front! And it was just so heartbreaking to me. And later, my dress was hanging up and Ryan said, ‘Isn’t that beautiful?’ I said, ‘What?’ And he pointed to the burn. My heart just stopped, because it was such a sensitive little subject. And he said, ‘You’ll always remember that moment with Florence singing and the sparklers. You have that forever, right there, preserved.’ Now that’s my favorite part of the dress.”

You hear that? “Preserved…” Could the Florence Welch sparkler incident have provided the inspiration for Blake’s new lifestyle website, Preserve?

5) Blake is totally sick of being a young actress and wants to be an old actress already:

She’s sick of playing boring roles like Serena Van der Woodsen:

“I felt like I had atrophied in a way. We had to produce so many episodes so quickly. And when you’re working fifteen-hour days, ten months a year, the only time you have for real life is between takes. So you’re not really acting anymore. You’re reciting. I could have fought harder and made Gossip Girl something different, but I also needed to have a life, you know? So I wanted a break to figure things out.” Here she slips into a faux-dreamy voice. “What type of prostitute will I play next? Will it be a Wild West prostitute? A prostitute in the future?” She laughs.

And wants instead to play “complex” roles like the super-young mother of super-old Ellen Burstyn in this new movie The Age of Adaline that sounds a lot like Tuck Everlasting. Because aging in Hollywood sounds like so much fun.

Lively herself is often drawn to women of “age and depth and experience.” Not long ago, for instance, Burstyn stayed in Lively’s guesthouse for the weekend. “She’s made what was an old barn into the most beautifully converted old barn in the world,” says Burstyn.

6) So she calls Ryan Reynolds “darling,” like an old-timey actress would do:

It was not immediately verifiable whether she pronounces it “darling” or “dahling.”

Lively also lights up when she talks about recently meeting Jane Fonda—whom she seemed to be channeling at the CFDA Fashion Awards, with her bouffant, hoop earrings, and gilded minidress. “I said to Ryan, ‘Darling, I made a new friend.’ And he’s like, ‘You only make friends with senior citizens!’  ” Why do you think that is? I ask her. “Young people try to heighten their experiences, and I do it, too: This is what makes me interesting. But Jane Fonda is quiet. You know how interesting she is. It’s who she is in every fiber.”

And wants him to be a patriarch:

“He’s going to be a great father and leader and patriarch—he’s so meant to be all of those things.

7) She eats so much! Seriously, guys!

Who even knows how she stays so svelte?

She explains that she is like a perpetual growing boy: always hungry. “You know that old saying, A way to a man’s heart is through his stomach—that’s me.”

This is where it would be great to have a friend go “hahahaaaa.”

Next she orders an eggs-and-sausage feast from room service, which we spread out on the coffee table and promptly devour. How this girl keeps her curves in the right places is a mystery to be solved by another writer.

Ladies and gentlemen, a round of applause for the next Gwyneth Paltrow.

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