Welcome back to The Bachelorette, where Andi Dorfman re-enacted The Hunger Games, substituting Cupid’s arrows for Katniss’s, but with equally deadly results. As the show heads to its inevitable conclusion (couch time with Chris Harrison discussing what went wrong), the herd of finalists have been winnowed down from a gazillion to merely three: former baller Josh, dead-behind-the-eyes Nick and Farmer Chris, who undoubtedly knows a few things about what happens to the cows left in the herd.
This week, though, everyone wants to be part of the flock — because it’s Fantasy Suites week! As the foursome head to the beautiful Dominican Republic (yes, Josh, they have baseball there), Andi finally gets to spend some quality alone time (nudge, nudge, wink, wink) with Nick and Josh and Chris, all on national television. Will she decide to be a role model for younger chaste women and publicly announce that she is planning to save herself until marriage and just cuddle on the bed amid the artfully strewn rose petals? Will she learn from her mistakes with Juan Pablo? Or will she cheerfully spend the night with three men while her nana watches at the retirement community? The only way to find out is to read on.
Here’s what happened on The Bachelorette:
The Men: As Andi reflects on her options she notes that she loves that Josh “just has that dark hair, tall build.” Strangely didn’t mention the cord attached to his mother. One thing she appreciates about Nick is that “when he kisses, he kisses” which is exactly what a long and healthy marriage is based on. She thinks Chris would be “an amazing father and amazing husband.” The “for someone else” is silent.
Nick: Helicopter alert! Nick and Andi fly into a private island for what Andi deems “an adult romance,” which the MPAA deems rated PG-13. After some initial kissing, canoodling and over-the-shirt groping, Andi remembers that she’s a prosecutor and grills Nick about his past breakups. She needs to know how he handled them so she doesn’t have to put him on suicide watch when she dumps him for someone without an accent scarf addiction later. Nick fumbles toward saying the L word, but only manages something about that lady show on Showtime. Andi suggests they make out in their snorkel gear instead. Later, during a romantic beach dinner, Nick writes Andi a fairy tale about two children being eaten by a witch, a story that would be preferable to the one he actually wrote about their love story. Seriously, Nicholas Sparks thought it was a bit much. Then they make out under a tree despite the fact that Nick is wearing pink pants. Nick manages to get Andi’s tongue out of his mouth long enough to finally professes his love for Andi and she replies, “I love hearing that,” which is just what everyone likes to hear. Then they head to the Fantasy Suites and make out on a couch right inside the door for our viewing “pleasure.”
Josh: After a long night with Nick, Andi showers (hopefully) (in Purell, hopefully) and heads out to meet Josh in Santo Domingo. Josh is very excited to see her, but not as excited as he is to watch a bunch of kids play baseball. Andi has arranged for him to watch some Little Leaguers practice because she knows he’s into that sort of thing. Josh is impressed that she pays attention and knows he likes baseball. That’s what happens when you mention something 6,000 times per episode, Josh. Later, he gets handsy while they sip from a coconut on a bench. Josh tells Andi that he told his family that he loves her. Since his family really likes to do things together, they are probably all watching from a hotel on the island, unless his brother has a football game going on. At dinner at a resort, Josh tells her that having that half-hour photo op with the kids makes him really want to have a lot of kids — possibly with her as he loves her and wants to marry and can really see her as his wife. After he accepts her Fantasy Suite proposal fireworks go off, both literally and metaphorically. Then they make out in the private pool in the Fantasy Suite.
Chris: After two all-nighters in the Fantasy Suites, some evil producer decided that Andi’s third date should involve horseback riding, even though she is very clear about the fact that she doesn’t like horses or horseback riding or even Chris all that much. She mentions several times that she’s not sure she’s at the Fantasy Suite point in her relationship with Chris (which is sad because I have a great “why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free” farming adage all teed up). While he is the sweetest and most romantic contestant, with the sneaky secret-admirer business he pulled off, sweet gestures and general charm, he does have one big turnoff: Iowa. Iowa is preventing Chris from … um, explaining animal husbandry with Andi in the Fantasy Suite. 4H didn’t prepare him for this. After the producers decide they have enough footage of Andi on horseback, they let her have a picnic under a tree with Chris and play yet another rousing round of his family’s favorite pastime, Ghosts in the Graveyard, which is basically hide and seek with a creepier name (hide and eek?).
After lunch, they have dinner at yet another romantic resort and talk about Iowa. A lot. It soon becomes apparent that Andi is not so much an Iowa fan as just trying to delay telling Chris that she’s just not that into him. She finally breaks it to him that it’s not Iowa, it’s you. She’s just not feeling it, because he is nice and sane and open and kind and operates on a reasonable plane of human emotion. Farmer Chris fights back tears as he is sent home to tend his crops and sow the seeds of love with a different woman, one who doesn’t mind living in a town the size of a grapefruit. (Fine, pomelo.) As a farmer, Chris knows a thing or two about the circle of life and how it’s sometimes necessary to thin a herd. He can think about it on his tractor or while he shreds the “Chris Loves Andi” banner in his thresher. It’s hard to believe Andi turned down the lifetime of free babysitting that Chris’ mom offered as part of the deal. She will undoubtedly regret it. Or not…
The Rose Ceremony: Despite the fact that there are only two contestants left and two roses to hand, the show must kill time with a Rose Ceremony ostensibly staged to prove post–Fantasy Suite that the men are really committed to finding love with Andi. Shockingly, they both are. Nick says their love is “amazing” while Josh is 100% certain that she’s going to be engaged to him next week.
Best Reason to Come Back Next Week: Andi’s scary father Hy is making his return to television!