--- title: Where to Find Love — Or Lust description: When readers email me about the research behind relationships and sex the most common question is always the same: Where? Where should they meet that... canonical: https://time.com/2973639/where-to-find-love-or-lust/ author: Eric Barker article:opinion: true article:content_tier: free article:published_time: 2014-07-14T04:01:38.000Z article:modified_time: 2026-08-04T07:45:33.594Z article:section: Ideas og:title: Where to Find Love — Or Lust og:description: You probably don’t want to meet a serious partner at work – those relationships don’t seem to last og:url: https://time.com/2973639/where-to-find-love-or-lust/ og:site_name: TIME og:image: https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/bltb3e9f2a03a2ee401/69869b33f983e7695904ec00/166000368.jpg?branch=production&width=1200&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=16:9 og:image:width: 5184 og:image:height: 2916 og:image:alt: Where To Find Love — Or Lust: og:type: article twitter:card: summary_large_image twitter:title: Where to Find Love — Or Lust twitter:description: You probably don’t want to meet a serious partner at work – those relationships don’t seem to last twitter:image: https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/bltb3e9f2a03a2ee401/69869b33f983e7695904ec00/166000368.jpg?branch=production&width=1200&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=16:9 ---  # Where to Find Love — Or Lust > Sponsored content. 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A paid TIME subscription is separate and available at time.com/subscribe-agent. ## Video: 4 Secrets to Mastering Your Gmail Inbox [Watch (HLS stream): 4 Secrets to Mastering Your Gmail Inbox](https://cdn.jwplayer.com/manifests/54U4Cpjl.m3u8) (1:31)  _Published 2016-01-27_ by [Eric Barker](https://time.com/author/eric-barker/) ## Eric Barker Jul 14, 2014 4:01 AM UTC  heart on the sand heart on the sand adam smigielski—Getty Images by [Eric Barker](https://time.com/author/eric-barker/) ## Eric Barker Jul 14, 2014 4:01 AM UTC When readers [email me](mailto:ebarker@ucla.edu) about the research behind [relationships](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2012/09/what-6-things-can-improve-your-relationship/) and [sex](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2013/11/science-of-sexy/) the most common question is always the same: **_Where?_** Where should they meet that special someone? Bars? Online? Through friends? Book clubs? Terrorist cells? Religious cults…? **_What works?_** Yes, science has info. But the answers depend on what you’re looking for. **Looking For Love** **Want to settle down? Ask a family member if they know anyone.** People meet all kinds of partners through friends. But you’re far more likely to meet your future spouse via a family member. Via [Connected: The Surprising Power of Our Social Networks and How They Shape Our Lives — How Your Friends’ Friends’ Friends Affect Everything You Feel, Think, and Do](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0316036137/ref=as%5Fli%5Fss%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=0316036137&linkCode=as2&tag=barking-20): _While friends were a source of introduction for all kinds of sexual partnerships at roughly the same rate (35– 40%),_ **_family members were much more likely to introduce people to their future spouses than to future one-night stands._** **In fact, any sort of organized group is a good bet.** 60% of those surveyed met their future spouse through school, work, church, etc. Via [Connected: The Surprising Power of Our Social Networks and How They Shape Our Lives — How Your Friends’ Friends’ Friends Affect Everything You Feel, Think, and Do](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0316036137/ref=as%5Fli%5Fss%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=0316036137&linkCode=as2&tag=barking-20): _…the Chicago Sex Survey also collected data on where Americans met their partners._ **_Sixty percent of the people in the study met their spouses at places like school, work, a private party, church, or a social club_**_— all of which tend to involve people who share characteristics._ **But you probably don’t want to meet a** [**serious partner at work**](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2011/06/are-men-or-women-more-likely-to-have-sexual-r/) **– those relationships don’t seem to last:** _The vast majority of these relationships have not lasted, especially for older workers. For workers who are over 50, 77% of those sexual relationships have ended. Younger people appear to have had more luck with 58% of people in the 18-24 age group reporting that they are still in their relationship. But perhaps that is just because they have been in the workplace such a short period of time the relationships are still new._ (And about half of people who cheat on their spouse [met their lover at work](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2012/01/5-things-you-didnt-know-about-infidelity/).) **Only 10% of people found wedded bliss in a bar.** Via [Connected: The Surprising Power of Our Social Networks and How They Shape Our Lives — How Your Friends’ Friends’ Friends Affect Everything You Feel, Think, and Do](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0316036137/ref=as%5Fli%5Fss%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=0316036137&linkCode=as2&tag=barking-20): _Ten percent met their spouses at a bar, through a personal ad, or at a vacation spot, where there is more diversity but still a limited range of types of people who might be available to become future spouses._ **Online dating is probably a better choice than the booze hall.** **17% of people who have dated online met a spouse or long-term relationship partner there.** And these stats are from 2006 — that number is likely to have grown and will probably continue to grow. Via [Connected: The Surprising Power of Our Social Networks and How They Shape Our Lives — How Your Friends’ Friends’ Friends Affect Everything You Feel, Think, and Do](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0316036137/ref=as%5Fli%5Fss%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=0316036137&linkCode=as2&tag=barking-20): _Of these “online daters,” 43 percent— or nearly seven million adults— have gone on actual, real-life dates with people they met online, and_ **_17 percent of them— nearly three million adults— have entered long-term relationships or married their online dating partners, according to a systematic national survey._** **So once you’re talking to prospective partners, what do you want to be looking for?** [**Conscientiousness**](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2012/01/what-personality-trait-should-you-seek-in-a-s/) **is the personality trait correlated with happy marriages:** _…our findings suggest that conscientiousness is the trait most broadly associated with marital satisfaction in this sample of long-wed couples._ In fact, it’s correlated with a lot of good things including [better health, longer lives, and greater success](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2012/08/what-personality-trait-is-associated-with-lon/). **How do you detect conscientiousness? Look for** [**formality of dress**](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2012/02/what-body-language-signals-motivation-social/) **and signs of someone who is** [**neat and organized**](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2012/02/can-you-tell-a-conservative-from-a-liberal-by/)**.** **More often than not you can get a feeling for how conscientious someone is** [**just by looking at their face**](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2010/02/what-can-you-accurately-tell-about-a-person-j/)**.** (Here’s [what to talk about on that first date](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2013/08/first-date-conversation/) and the [best things to ask to bond with your partner](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2011/08/is-there-a-shortcut-to-bonding-with-a-romanti/).) **Looking For Lust** Some of the answers here should be a bit more obvious now. **Bars and clubs are good. Friends are fine and meeting through family members is probably a bad idea.** In fact, you’re also more likely to have sex with someone _sooner_ if you met through friends or at a club and not through a family member. **Meet through a family member and there’s only a 24% chance you’ll have sex within a month. Meeting at a nightclub doubles that.** Via [Connected: The Surprising Power of Our Social Networks and How They Shape Our Lives — How Your Friends’ Friends’ Friends Affect Everything You Feel, Think, and Do](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0316036137/ref=as%5Fli%5Fss%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=0316036137&linkCode=as2&tag=barking-20): _And how people meet is also relevant to how quickly they have sex. In the Chicago study, those who met their partners through their friends were slightly more likely to have sex within a month of meeting than those who met through family members. A similar study conducted in France found that couples who met at a nightclub were much more likely to have sex within a month (45 percent) than those who met at, say, a family gathering (24 percent), which is not surprising since one typically does not have sex in mind at family events._ Which [countries are most promiscuous](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2011/06/which-countries-are-the-most-promiscuous/)? Try Finland or New Zealand. Most [promiscuous US states](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2011/09/which-us-states-are-the-most-promiscuous/)? Nevada, Arkansas and Rhode Island. **College is generally a good place for a fling — unless you go to Harvard.** Via [The Happiness Advantage: The Seven Principles of Positive Psychology That Fuel Success and Performance at Work](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0307591549/ref=as%5Fli%5Fss%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&tag=spacforrent-20&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=0307591549): **_Based on my study of Harvard undergraduates, the average number of romantic relationships over four years is less than one._** _The average number of sexual partners, if you’re curious, is 0.5 per student. (I have no idea what 0.5 sexual partners means, but it sounds like the scientific equivalent of second base.) In my survey, I found that among these brilliant Harvard students, 24 percent are unaware if they are currently involved in any romantic relationship._ **While online dating gives you a better than average chance of meeting a future spouse, it’s also good for just getting it on.** **30% of women using online dating** [**have had sex on the first date**](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2011/01/what-percentage-of-women-have-sex-on-a-first/)**:** _Thirty percent of respondents engaged in sexual activity on their first encounter. Seventy-seven percent of respondents who met an online partner did not use condoms for their first sexual encounter._ Why is this? **Researchers believe having all that profile info up front along with email flirting leads to “**[**accelerated intimacy**](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2011/01/what-percentage-of-women-have-sex-on-a-first/)**” upon first meeting:** _“Online dating can lead to feelings of accelerated intimacy,” says Paige Padgett, PhD, the author of the study and a research associate in the UT School of Public Health’s Division of Epidemiology and Disease Control. “_ **_You are able to disclose deeply personal information faster than you would if you were just meeting face to face for the first time_**_,” she explains… Because all of the nitty-gritty preliminaries are out of the way before you actually meet the person,_ **_Padgett believes that this may foster a sense of relationship before there is an actual relationship._** (And if you’re going to go the online route, here’s how to [make yourself most appealing](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2013/05/how-to-be-more-attractive-okcupid/).) So the dual use of online dating sites raises a question: **What should you talk about if you’re on the hunt for something less-than-serious and want to see if your partner’s on the same page?** OkCupid found that a “yes” answer to [**_“Do you like the taste of beer?”_**](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2013/08/first-date-conversation/) **is the best indicator of who has sex on the first date.** **Or simply joke about sex.** Research shows the people who laugh are less likely to be focused on long-term relationships. Via [Mating Intelligence Unleashed: The Role of the Mind in Sex, Dating, and Love](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00BK396CY/ref=as%5Fli%5Fss%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B00BK396CY&linkCode=as2&tag=barking-20): _…in one observational study at a bar where male humorous sexual remarks ran rampant, it was noted that_ **_the women who laughed at such jokes did indeed seem sexually interested in the men_**_, whereas (obviously) the women who didn’t laugh were not sexually interested._ **_These humorous sexually loaded attempts could be conceptualized as a test to gauge interest and receptivity to a sexual encounter._** So alcohol and double entendres work for [James Bond](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2012/05/10-ways-science-explains-why-james-bond-is-so/) and they can work for you. (And one might note that 007 never ended up with one of the Bond Girls because he asked his aunt if she could set him up with someone nice.) **What’s Next?** Other posts you should read on sex, marriage, and love: * [Science Of Sexy: 5 Things That Can Make You Irresistible](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2013/11/science-of-sexy/) * [How To Have A Happy Family – 7 Tips Backed By Research](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2013/10/how-to-have-a-happy-family/) * [What 6 things can improve your relationship?](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2012/09/what-6-things-can-improve-your-relationship/) * [How To Be A Good Kisser](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2013/08/how-to-be-a-good-kisser/) * [Recipe For A Happy Marriage: The 7 Scientific Secrets](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2013/10/recipe-for-a-happy-marriage-2/) * [How To Flirt — Backed By Scientific Research](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2013/10/how-to-flirt-scientifically/) **Join 45K+ readers.** Get a free weekly update via email [here](http://eepurl.com/o6uAD). _This piece originally appeared on_ [_Barking Up the Wrong Tree_](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/)_._ ```json [{"@context":"https://schema.org","@type":"OpinionNewsArticle","@id":"https://time.com/2973639/where-to-find-love-or-lust/","mainEntityOfPage":{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https://time.com/2973639/where-to-find-love-or-lust/"},"headline":"Where to Find Love — Or Lust","datePublished":"2014-07-14T04:01:38.000Z","dateModified":"2026-08-04T07:45:33.594Z","description":"When readers email me about the research behind relationships and sex the most common question is always the same: Where? 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