TIME

Sarah Palin’s ‘The View’ With Rosie and Whoopi: The Script

Whoopi Goldberg, Rosie O'Donnell and Sarah Palin Getty Images (3)

With Rosie O'Donnell reportedly set to join Whoopi Goldberg on 'The View,' Sarah Palin has offered up herself as a “voice of reason” for the show. Let’s imagine what that might look like

Goldberg: Ok. Let’s talk about Prince Fielder on the cover of ESPN – it’s the body issue. He looks good, he’s a beautiful man. But he doesn’t have a six-pack.

O’Donnell: I think I know where you’re going with this, pal, and I like it!

Goldberg: And you gotta ask yourself, as a woman, would they ever, ever, put a woman with a little tummy, or a little extra junk in her trunk, on the cover of a magazine?

Palin: You know. I’d like to change the subject to something I think average Americans care about, which is not the size of someone’s booty. (Waits for applause.) I think Americans want to know, in the land of the free and the home of the brave, where we have elections, why are we putting a Prince on the cover of a magazine?

O’Donnell: Dear God in heaven.

Goldberg: Let’s talk about something else.

Palin: Great. Let’s talk about the Obama impeachment.

Goldberg: We can get to that. But maybe we ought to ramp up to it. Start with something a little simpler

O’Donnell: Like… Say… Tic Tac Toe. Sarah! Can you play Tic Tac Toe?

Palin: I believe the American people think illegal border crossings are pretty simple, Whoopi. Billions of Mexicans have crossed the border on Obama’s watch and just last week…

Goldberg: Ok, it isn’t billions. Billions – let me see if I can put this in terms you understand. Billions is how many people McDonald’s served. And also, recently, a lot of these people have come from Guatemala and Honduras, because there’s a humanitarian crisis in these places, and…

Palin: Whoopi, Mexico can change its name to whatever it wants. But a native-born American is a native-born American. Whether he eats at McDonald’s or not. I think real Americans—

Goldberg: —So! Moving on. Michelle Rodriguez from The Fast and The Furious. First, she’s with that pretty model girl. And then, all of a sudden, boom! She’s in Italy. Getting busy with Zac Efron!

O’Donnell: Yes! I like this topic, wonderful. Thank you! And you know, it’s interesting because there’s a trend, you know, with younger people, of not necessarily being monogamous, and…

Palin: Well. I am all for freedom, I just hope that young lady understands she’s going to get pregnant and have a lesbian kid. And who is going to take care of that kid?

Goldberg: Sarah, with all due respect, Michelle Rodriguez is a movie star. Whether she has a kid, lesbian or not, she can probably take care if it herself.

O’Donnell: I saw a lesbian taking care of a kid once. It was amazing. Really something else.

Palin: Well. I certainly hope so. Is that her, cavorting on that boat there? You know, that boat that she’s on getting pregnant with her lesbian baby, well, it’s taking up space where we could be drilling for oil. And you know, come to think of it, that boat would be real handy in the Rio Grande, looking for people coming here to take our jobs.

Goldberg: Can you drive a boat, Sarah? Because it seems like that would be a great job for you.

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