Welcome to The Bachelorette, where the love is real, but the tans are not. This season, proven smart woman (she dumped Juan Pablo) and actual lawyer Andi Dorfman will be looking for love by dating 25 men simultaneously on national prime-time television, instead of skimming Tinder in the bathroom stall during work. Hide your daughters, because they don’t need to see this.
Here’s what happened on The Bachelorette:
Spoiler alert: In this season of The Bachelorette, Andi’s search for love will be overshadowed by the fact that one of the men competing for her love, Eric Hill, passed away in a tragic accident after filming concluded. He didn’t wind up with Andi, but rumor (which is what we’re calling Reality Steve these days) has it that Eric gets fairly far into the process, which means we will be watching a vibrant young man in his last throes of life. And spending every Monday night with a ghost is just going to be depressing.
Most telling moment: Andi pulls her law-school diploma and Georgia Bar certificate off the wall of her office and heads off to find love on reality television. The message being that she may have a JD, but she doesn’t have an MRS. That said, it might bode well for the legal system if the nation’s DAs can’t simultaneously be contestants on The Bachelorette.
Best reminder that Desiree still exists: Much like The Highlander (ask your weird uncle, kiddos) there can be only one Bachelorette, but while it’s currently Andi’s reign, Desiree Hartsock is determined to remind the world that she still exists and is planning to wed rhyming poet and fleece aficionado Chris Siegfried on national television. But before she can be feted, she must be properly product-placed and cross-promoted. To wit, weird Suave ads.
Biggest time waster: For some reason, a solid 10 minutes of the evening is spent with Andi and her sister giggling and trying on dresses to impress the men. They settle on a low-cut gold sparkly number, which Andi promptly changes out of before meeting the herd of eligible breeders. Good use of airtime, ABC.
First out of the limo: A man named Marcus in a suit with no tie and serious lack of hair gel. What the heck kind of season is this?
Best job: According to his chyron, JJ is a “pantspreneur.” Naturally he’s wearing a bow tie and brought Andi a sample of his wares, which are, of course, pants.
First goofy music treatment: Cody, a personal trainer with a popped collar on his sportcoat, a Vaselined smile and Tintin hair was the first to get the Music of Impending Stupidity. He showed up pushing the limo, which he claimed broke down, but was just an excuse to show off his neck girth.
Worst mnemonic device ever: Emil, a helicopter pilot, who tells Andi that the best way to remember his name is this: “It’s anal with an M.” He may have better luck with that line on Grindr.
Worst prop: Brett, a hairstylist with a semimullet and a whole heap of other bad ideas, takes his dressing tips from Bill Nye and advice from his mom, who told him to never arrive empty-handed. So he brought Andi a lamp from the hotel. Chalk this one up to: it seemed like a good idea at the time.
The men: There’s an opera singer with a poorly tied tie, a strangely endearing guy who gives her his phone number and a slightly crazy-eyed former pro baseball player, who also lives in Atlanta, so Andi will be able to get a regular restraining order (and not a plus-size one) when the relationship goes south. There’s Tasos with a faux hawk and a lock in his pocket and Steven who is “stoked” to be here. Rudie an attorney and amateur scrapbooker who spent some time in his craft cubicle and made her a legal contract out of construction paper. There’s Jason, a doctor who diagnoses Andi with a fever ’cause she’s smoking hot. Also in the mix is Eric, an explorer who gives her some dolls given to him by a young girl in Peru. He’s sweet, charming and, sadly, not long for this world. Sniffle.
Biggest lie: Andi walks into the house with a cocktail in hand and a First Impression Rose on a silver platter and tells the gathered men that she believes in the process and knows that the process works. She is convinced that the love of her life is standing in that house. Or so she says until it’s 4 a.m. ex post Fantasy Suite and he’s saying “Ees O.K., ees O.K.” over and over again.
Best use of transfats: Marquel woos Andi with a cookie-tasting flight. He purposefully hands her a black-and-white cookie, which she enjoys despite the undercurrents of symbolism.
Least thrilling drama: Crazy-eyed Chris — one of Bachelorette Emily’s discarded options — shows up at the mansion with a bouquet of roses, a dash of derring-do and a soupçon of desperation. He is left to stew in the staging area while Chris Harrison goes to talk to Andi about the party crasher. Andi says no to the man lurking in the bushes, because she is smart, already has her hands full with 25 guys, and thanks to her job as a DA can probably spot the mentally unstable at a distance. Chris Harrison tells Chris to leave, so he does. Pretty flaccid drama there, Bachelorette.
Biggest missed opportunity: “Tell me about the family farm,” says Andi to Chris, before immediately drifting off and daydreaming of the penal code at the first mention of the fields of corn and soy. Sadly, surprisingly, FarmersOnly.com didn’t parachute in a rapid response team to airlift that guy right out of there and deposit him in a sprawling field in close proximity to a handsome and stalwart farmer’s daughter who would be thrilled to talk about corn and soy crops.
First Impression Rose: Andi creeps into the room to steal the First Impression Rose off the table and hands
The Rose Ceremony: JJ, the pantspreneur gets the first rose. Cue the violins. Eric gets the second rose. Marquel goes third. Then a bunch of men in suits: Craig, pseudo-faux-mohawk Tazos, pro baseball player Josh M., Brian, Bradley the opera singer, Polish speaker Marcus, social-media manager Andrew, some other guy named Carl, a man named Ron, some guy named Chris, Dylan who dresses like an extra from American Psycho, Brett the hairstylist, a guy named Patrick and rounding it out is some dude named Nick S.
The longest goodbye: Strangely, Anal With an M didn’t get a rose, even though it seems unlikely that Andi forgot his name. Also leaving is Rudie, the attorney, who is going home despite the fact “everyone in his life” said he and Andi “were going to get married and have kids.” Jason, the physician with Bachelor Ben’s hairstyle, takes a moment to reflect on his shortcomings, which are mostly just his haircut. Josh B. curses a lot because he was going to meet his wife and instead ended up just embarrassing the bleep out of himself. How will we explain this to his parents? Whom he lives with?
Bachelorette milestone: Andi didn’t say “fairytale” once. It’s very confusing.